Miranda Sawyer - Out of Time

4th Estate

An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.4thEstate.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by 4th Estate in 2016

Copyright © Miranda Sawyer 2016

Miranda Sawyer asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins

Source ISBN: 9780007521081

Ebook Edition © ISBN: 9780007509157

Version: 2017-04-11

For S, P and F

‘Death is the dark backing that a mirror needs if we are to see anything’

Humboldt’s Gift , Saul Bellow

‘You’re going to have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite’

Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of It

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright Copyright Copyright Dedication Epigraph 1. Is This It? 2. Adult-ish 3. Never Mind the 90s 4. Carry On 5. This is a Low 6. Jealous 7. Sex 8. Fitness 9. Looks 10. Routine 11. Out of It 12. Work 13. Anger vs. Dismay 14. Music 15. Playing to Win 16. Time 17. Long-term 18. Death 19. Generations 20. Now Acknowledgements Also by Miranda Sawyer About the Publisher 4th Estate An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.4thEstate.co.uk First published in Great Britain by 4th Estate in 2016 Copyright © Miranda Sawyer 2016 Miranda Sawyer asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins Source ISBN: 9780007521081 Ebook Edition © ISBN: 9780007509157 Version: 2017-04-11

Dedication Dedication Dedication Epigraph 1. Is This It? 2. Adult-ish 3. Never Mind the 90s 4. Carry On 5. This is a Low 6. Jealous 7. Sex 8. Fitness 9. Looks 10. Routine 11. Out of It 12. Work 13. Anger vs. Dismay 14. Music 15. Playing to Win 16. Time 17. Long-term 18. Death 19. Generations 20. Now Acknowledgements Also by Miranda Sawyer About the Publisher For S, P and F

Epigraph Epigraph Epigraph 1. Is This It? 2. Adult-ish 3. Never Mind the 90s 4. Carry On 5. This is a Low 6. Jealous 7. Sex 8. Fitness 9. Looks 10. Routine 11. Out of It 12. Work 13. Anger vs. Dismay 14. Music 15. Playing to Win 16. Time 17. Long-term 18. Death 19. Generations 20. Now Acknowledgements Also by Miranda Sawyer About the Publisher ‘Death is the dark backing that a mirror needs if we are to see anything’ Humboldt’s Gift , Saul Bellow ‘You’re going to have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite’ Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of It

1. Is This It?

2. Adult-ish

3. Never Mind the 90s

4. Carry On

5. This is a Low

6. Jealous

7. Sex

8. Fitness

9. Looks

10. Routine

11. Out of It

12. Work

13. Anger vs. Dismay

14. Music

15. Playing to Win

16. Time

17. Long-term

18. Death

19. Generations

20. Now

Acknowledgements

Also by Miranda Sawyer

About the Publisher

The start is always quiet. Even when the event is catastrophic, when it’s sudden and violent and crashes in, a meteor blazing from the sky to change everything you know – even then, what people say is: ‘It happened out of the blue. Everything was normal. Nothing seemed any different. It was a complete shock.’

When what is happening is gradual, when it seeps under the door, like water or smoke, then the start is even quieter. It’s silent. You don’t notice it at all.

Middle age is a time of settled status, when your achievements, your experience and your knowledge knit together to create sustenance and prestige, and you are taken seriously, valued as a high-contributing member of society.

‘You’re a smelly bum-bum,’ says F, my daughter. Her face is full of sneer and delight. ‘And when you die, I can have all of the sweeties that are in the tin up there. And I can go to Africa to see the funny cows that Miss telled us about. And I can have your shoes that are sparkly.’

We were talking about us not having a garden, about moving flat maybe, probably not. I was feeling frustrated.

‘But, you know, feelings aren’t facts,’ said my husband, S. He had been saying this a lot to me: ‘Feelings aren’t facts.’

What you feel is not what is actually happening here.

S is an emotional man, and he uses his mantras to reassure himself as much as me. He was right. The facts remained; they were unchanging. How I felt about them – how I feel about them – makes no difference. The sun rises, the day begins, the school opens, the children go out and then they come back, I work, ideas are sent off, plans are made, the plans succeed or they don’t, meals are eaten, and off to bed, and again, and again. Time passes, more quickly than you dare to think about.