Robin Alexander - Pitifully Ugly

Angela passed the story on. I wanted to laugh along with him,

but the Stanky Legs gave me one hell of a headache. Marvin ate

his breakfast quickly, eager to get down to the booth and see what

Angela had to say. I took her advice and stayed in the room.

I spent the morning reading and rereading the speech. I wasn’t

satisfied until I’d memorized the whole thing. I stood in front of

the bathroom mirror reciting it to my hungover reflection, trying

to look confident and composed. I failed miserably. Even alone I

couldn’t stop myself from fidgeting. I knew in front of a room full

of people, I’d be worse.

By the time lunch rolled around, I was ready to jump out

the window. Marvin brought me something to eat, but I couldn’t

force anything down. My stomach was a bundle of nerves.

“The massage was a good idea.” Marvin looked at me

compassionately. “If we pay a little extra, we might be able to get

someone up here on short notice. Want me to try?”

I nodded as I chewed at my nails. I’d never done it in my life

and wondered what the appeal was. I grabbed a pillow off the sofa

and tried to squeeze it to release some tension. That didn’t work,

either.

“Someone will be up within the hour,” Marvin said as he took

a seat next to me. “Angela didn’t say a thing about last night. I

waited all morning for her to bring it up, but she was tight-lipped.

12

Pitifully Ugly

I finally asked what happened in the bathroom, and she told me

that you put Zoe in her place.” Marvin threw back his head and

laughed. “That’s all she would say, but she sure had a funny look

on her face.”

I wanted to laugh, too, but I couldn’t. I felt a little bad for

what I’d done. I probably didn’t do Angela any favors with that

stunt, and I felt even more pressure to do well on the speech.

Marvin left me alone with the masseuse. She was a tall

woman with broad shoulders. I figured she’d wrench every kink

out of my body with a flick of her wrist. She kept telling me to

relax. At one point, she had to tap me on the shoulder to get me

to release the legs on the table so that she could work my arms.

When it was all said and done, I was no better off.

I soaked in the tub and sipped on the water that she told me I

had to drink. I was just about to call Marvin up to the room and

tell him that he’d have to give the presentation when I remembered

the Valium that Kalen had given me. I got out of the tub and dug

out the bottle with the two tiny pills. There was a V stamped in

the middle of each one, and I wondered how that wafer-thin tablet

was going to calm me down. Half of it was missing because of

the logo.

I looked at the clock and realized that I had less than two

hours to make a fool of myself and ruin Angela’s career. I popped

a pill in my mouth and swallowed it with what was left of my

water. Thirty minutes later, I didn’t feel any different, so I made

myself a strong Bloody Mary. As I showered, I felt a calmness

wash over me. I can do this, I thought.

Marvin commented on how relaxed I looked as he did my

hair and makeup. He thought it was the massage, and I didn’t

tell him about the wonder pill. After we were dressed, we went

downstairs to have a cocktail with Angela. I had another Bloody

Mary, and I was feeling good .

I leaned against the bar and listened to Marvin and Angela

chat about their day in the booth. I couldn’t keep from smiling,

even though they were talking about colors and rinses. It sounded

perfectly delightful.

1

Robin Alexander

“Shannon, do you have,” Marvin began as he turned and

looked at me. His jaw slid open and one eye began to twitch.

“Good God, you’re drooling.”

Angela had turned and begun talking to someone else. She

didn’t see Marvin usher me from the room. He held me by my

lapel and slapped at the elevator buttons. As the doors opened, he

shoved me inside. “Are you drunk?” he asked, looking horrified.

“No, I only had two Stanky Marys.”

Before we could get to the twenty-first floor, the elevator

stopped and a woman got on. She looked at me and smiled.

“Hey,” I said and liked the way it came out in a growl.

Marvin moved between us and began fussing with my face.

“Your lipstick is smeared, honey,” he said cheerfully, but his eyes

were huge. He held a finger to his lips.

“Are you shushing me?” I asked with a grin.

When we got back to our suite, he ran around the room for

a minute cussing and screaming. I just stood there giggling. He

was so funny.

He picked up his cell phone, then threw it down, picked it

up, and threw it again. “Okay, we need coffee.” He went to the

bar and pulled out the pot. I watched as he put two pre-measured

packets in the strainer. “Shannon, your pupils are huge. Are you

sure you only had two drinks?”

I held up four fingers. “Yep, only two. And I took one of

Kalen’s pills.”

Marvin stopped what he was doing and walked over to where

I was kind of standing. “What pills?”

“She gave me those pills with the little V carved in them.”

Marvin pulled me over to the couch and sat me down. He

went to the coffeepot and poured me a cup. “Have you ever taken

Valium before?” he asked when he returned.

“Yep, that’s what they’re called. And no, I’ve never taken one

before. I tell you what, though, I’m gonna take ’em all the time

now because I feel good! Let’s go downstairs, I’m ready!”

Marvin looked at his watch and whimpered. “Drink this,”

he said as he shoved the coffee cup into my hands. “Do you

remember any of the speech?”

14

Pitifully Ugly

I took a sip of the coffee; it tasted like burned oil. “I want

another Stanky Mary.” I shoved the cup back into his hands.

“Shannon, focus. Do you remember the speech?”

I cleared my throat and sat up straight. “Hello, motherfuckers,

it’s a pleasure to be with all of you fur jockeys tonight.”

“Oh, my God,” Marvin screamed and pulled at his carefully

coiffed hair. “Give me the speech, Shannon.”

“Hey,” I said smoothly as I pointed at my head. “It’s all in

here, no need to worry. You need a Stanky Mary.”

Marvin sank down onto his knees and looked at me

beseechingly. “You cannot rewrite Kalen’s speech. You cannot

call these people motherfuckers. Now, Shannon, please,” he said

as he took my hands into his. “Where is the speech?”

“I don’t know.”

Marvin jumped up and ran into my room. I could hear him

throwing things around. He ran back into the sitting area and

searched around the bar, then buried his face in his hands.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s an honor to be

among you tonight…”

“Yes! Yes, that’s it.” Marvin crossed the room and knelt in

front of me again. “Drink more of this.” He handed the coffee to

me, and I did as he asked because he was so damn funny with his

hair sticking out on all sides.

I had to pee three times before we left the room. Marvin

insisted that I drink every bit of the coffee he’d made. Though it

wasn’t a Stanky Mary, I still felt pretty damn good. As we rode

down in the elevator, I stood leaning against the wall calm as a

cucumber. Marvin stood in the corner praying aloud.

“Where have you been?” Angela asked when we met in the