Devon Hartford - Painless

Aside from Tammy, I liked these guys.

“Pull up a chair,” Justin said.

Me and Romeo sat down.

“So,” Justin said, “you guys remember those drawings of Samantha’s that I emailed everyone?”

“Yeah,” Keith nodded, grinning.

“Totally,” Micah chuckled.

“Funny stuff,” Alyssa smiled.

“They were okay,” Tammy shrugged. No surprise there. I think Tammy was going to take awhile to thaw out. Whatever.

“Well,” Justin continued, “I asked Samantha to work up some drawings for a new Wombat mascot.”

“We already have one,” Tammy said snidely.

Yeah, she was a bitch. I was now one hundred percent sure.

“But it’s just a plain old wombat,” Alyssa said. “It’s boring.”

“Did you bring some new drawings for us?” Keith asked me.

“I did,” I said and pulled out my sketchbook. I opened it up to the first wombat sketch and set it in the middle of the table.

The group started flipping through my drawings. There were at least a dozen. It didn’t take long before the group was grinning and laughing, except for Tammy, of course. Tammy mostly frowned at my art.

“That one looks constipated,” Micah smiled.

“Maybe he should drink more beer,” Alyssa quipped, “then he’d always have beer diarrhea like Keith.”

Everyone groaned.

“It wasn’t beer farts,” Keith said defensively while the group continued turning pages of my sketchbook, fascinated by my artwork.

I’d never experienced anything like it. I’d sort of expected them to nod politely and not say anything about my art at all, or maybe tell me I wasn’t very good, not be obviously entertained and amused.

“Have you ever seen a blunt so fat?” Micah marveled, referring to the giant joint in the next drawing. “That’s like an entire ounce of ganj.”

“The only time I see that much weed in one place is when I buy a fresh ounce that you haven’t gotten into yet, Micah,” Keith groused.

“Dude, that’s bullshit. You still owe me a bunch of blunts from over Christmas,” Micah scoffed.

Keith shook his head and scowl smiled at him.

They continued turning pages, and found something amusing about each drawing.

I really couldn’t believe it. I restrained the huge grin wanting to jump onto my face. They actually liked my art!

When they finished looking at the last drawing, Justin said, “Maybe we should take a vote on which one to use in the next edition of The Wombat as our official logo. What do you guys think?”

“I vote we don’t use any of them,” hipster glasses Tammy Lemons said. “I don’t like her drawings.”

Did Tammy not realize I was right here? Yeah, she was a Bitch with a capital Buttplug.

“Don’t worry, Samantha,” Alyssa smirked, “Tammy’s on the rag this week. She’s not usually this bitchy.”

I smiled at Alyssa, but couldn’t think of an appropriate response. For all I knew, they all loved Tammy like a BFF, despite her sour personality. I didn’t want to offend by saying the wrong thing.

“I thought I smelled iron,” Romeo said in response to Alyssa’s rag gag about Tammy. He absently examined his fingernails.

Alyssa grimaced and leaned forward. Her head bonked against the table top. She started chuckling heartily, rolling her forehead from side to side on the table.

Keith whipped out his phone. “If this turns into a cat fight, I’m filming it.” He pointed his phone at Tammy, who was scowling at Romeo.

“What?” Romeo said defensively to Tammy, “I have an acute sense of smell.”

Tammy flipped Romeo off.

“Is that what you use to plug it up?” Romeo asked. “No wonder it doesn’t work. Fingers aren’t very absorbent, and it won’t do any good if you don’t keep it in your hole.” He rolled his eyes dramatically. “Even I know that.”

Alyssa sat up abruptly, her eyes wide. “Oooohh, damn! No he didn’t!”

“Yes. I did,” Romeo insisted.

Keith and Micah both suppressed snickers.

“Settle down, guys,” Justin said. “No need for a grudge match with the new girl on her first day.”

I couldn’t tell if Justin was saying I was the new girl or Romeo was.

Alyssa leaned against Tammy and put a friendly arm around her. “Don’t worry Tammy, we still love you.”

Tammy shook her head and frowned. “You guys are dicks.”

“You started it, Tammy,” emo Micah chuckled.

“Whatever,” Tammy snorted.

Justin said pleasantly, “Why don’t we send these out to the rest of our artists, and have everyone vote in a few weeks? How does that sound?”

The group nodded agreement.

Justin continued, “And if any other artists want to do their own version of a wombat mascot, they can put their art in the mix. That includes you, Tammy.”

So Tammy Lemons the hipster bitch was an artist too. I was curious to see what she came up with. For all I knew, she could be way better than me, or worse. I didn’t really know.

“Agreed?” Justin asked.

Everyone said yes.

Justin took pics of my wombat sketches with his phone like before. “Samantha, I’ll email these to everyone, and put you on the CC list, so you can See See all the other entrants.”

“Did you just say ‘See See’?” Alyssa asked.

“Yeah, why?” Justin grinned.

“Because that’s Lame Lame,” she sneered.

“Do you have something against the crippled?” Keith asked, quick as a whip.

“The crippled?” Alyssa asked, confused.

“The lame?” Keith said suggestively. “The lame have feelings, too.”

Alyssa said sarcastically, “I twisted my ankle last week going down some stairs. Does that count?”

Keith shook his head, “Afraid not. The lame have feelings too, and your use of the term normalizes their struggles like they don’t matter.”

“Fine,” Alyssa sneered. “Then I meant to say the Dumb Dumb.”

Keith shook his head, “the intellectually challenged have feelings too.”

Alyssa frowned, “Well, then who the hell can I make fun of? Snails?”

Keith arched an eyebrow thoughtfully, “That would work. As far as I know, snails haven’t yet made any noises about fair and equitable treatment.”

“That’s because they don’t have any mouths,” Micah snickered.

“When did it get so politically correct around here?” Alyssa asked. She turned to Justin and said, “Justin, I want to apologize for saying that you were Lame Lame. I would like to retract that statement and change it to, ‘you are Snail Snail’.” She looked to Keith for approval, “Better, Keith?”

“Much,” Keith snickered.

“Ass,” Alyssa said offhandedly to him.

“I have a donkey, and he feels real bad right now,” Micah said, “his ears are totally burning.”

Alyssa wadded her napkin and threw it at Micah while he cackled.

“All right, you guys,” Justin said. “Samantha, when I email your drawings to everyone, I’ll put you on the Snail Snail list,” he quipped.

“Okay,” I smiled. I really liked these guys.

“Equal rights for snails!” Micah mocked, pumping his fist high overhead.

For the rest of the meeting, everyone discussed topics for the next issue of The Wombat. Well, except for Tammy Lemons who mostly sat sulking with her arms folded across her chest.

Romeo fit right in with the rest of the group and contributed lots of funny ideas. By the end, Justin was encouraging him to write a sample piece for the paper.

“Are you sure?” Romeo asked.

“Totally,” Justin said. “If you come up with something good, we’ll put it in the next ish.”

“Sam and I talked about doing a comic strip together,” Romeo said. “Can I do that?”

“Whatever you want,” Justin smiled at him. “It’s cool with me. Is it cool with you guys?” Justin asked the group.