Heather London: The Hardest Part

For months, I shut down and closed myself off from everyone. In the beginning, Jake was understanding and sweet, but then things began to change. That’s when things got really bad.

"SO, DO you feel more empowered?" Lexi asked as we pushed open the glass double doors, allowing the chilly fall air to swirl around us.

"Yeah, I think the classes really help," I said as we jogged across the street toward a coffee shop on the corner. "How about you?"

She shrugged as we hit the sidewalk on the other side. "I guess they do help a little. I just don't know how good I'd be if I ever had to use the moves during an actual attack, you know. I'd probably just freeze and shut down like last time."

"That's why we practice." I glanced over at her. My heart ached as I scanned the scars that covered the entire right side of her face, ran down her neck, and finally disappeared under her shirt. I looked away when I realized I was staring. "That's why we do the moves over and over, and if we're ever put in a situation when we need to use them, they'll become instinctual."

Listen to me; I sounded like an instructor. I'd been to so many self-defense classes over the last few months that I probably could've taught one by now.

"Yeah," Lexi said, nodding. "I guess that makes sense."

We ordered two coffees and took a seat in the corner booth near the window. Lexi glanced over her shoulder and gave a small wave to the two men leaning up against a large black suburban. My eyes cut over to the men and then back to her. I’d asked about her two bodyguards one time and she gave me a simple logical answer, stating they were for her protection. Her brother hired them for her, and they made her feel safe. She didn't explain it any further, and I didn't ask any more questions. Lexi was really good about not prying or asking questions about me or my past, so I took it as a hint that she didn't want to talk about hers.

"So is your job getting any better?" Lexi asked. Just hearing the word job made my stomach turn.

When I arrived in New York, I landed a job working for a small event planning firm. I'd found it through a temp agency and the job was only supposed to last a day, but then it turned into two, and now a month later, I was still working there. Only problem was that I was sure that every day I went to work would be my last.

"It's going." I fidgeted in my seat. "I'm still employed."

"That has to be a good thing, though, right?"

"Yeah, I guess it's good, or maybe they just forgot I'm still there." I forced a smile.

"I have a feeling it's a good sign. You must be better than you think." She smiled back at me.

"How are things with you and Brandon?" I asked, trying to shift the focus. Last week Lexi was freaking out because things were beginning to get serious between the two of them. She wasn't sure she was ready to get close to someone yet. Even though I didn't understand the reasoning behind her reluctance or why she was afraid to let someone in, I tried to be sympathetic and understanding.

"It's getting better." She paused, hesitating. "I used to be so good at dating. I never had problems with guys… but now…" She paused again and swallowed hard. "It's hard to believe they could actually like me… for me."

Even though I knew it was rude, I couldn't help it. My eyes moved across the scars on her face again. Sure, I was curious to know what or who caused them or what caused her to be even more skittish than me, but I never asked her about them. I knew what it was like to want to keep things buried. I knew what it was like to keep your past behind you and try like hell to move forward. I knew what it was like to have someone touch you or startle you and feel like your heart was going to burst out of your chest.

Jake's face popped into my head. He was staring at me with those cold, dark eyes that used to send fear rippling throughout my body. His voice was loud in my ears.

Look at you. You're pathetic. No one else will love you the way I love you. No one else will take care of you like I do. You have no one except for me. So the next time you think about leaving me, think about that. Think about being homeless or all alone. And if you do ever leave me again, I'll find you. And I swear, Emily, I'll kill you.

"Emily." Lexi waved her hand in front of my face. "Where did you go just now?"

I blinked away my thoughts and looked over at her. She looked back at me with knowing, sympathetic eyes. "Is everything okay with you?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking about work," I lied.

"Okay, if you're sure you're all right."

"Fine." I took in a deep breath.

"Well, I hate to cut it short, but I guess I better go. Looks like Hercules and the Hulk are getting anxious." She laughed a little, something I’d only seen her do on a few occasions.

I glanced over her shoulder, seeing the two men staring in our direction.

"Do you have plans tomorrow?" she asked as she stood up.

"Um, I don't think so…"

"Maybe we could meet up for dinner or something. It's been nice to get out of the condo lately. I'm enjoying the fresh air."

That was another mystery with Lexi. Apparently, before a couple months ago, she rarely left her apartment. Or that's what the gossip was on the first day she came to class.

"Dinner would be good." I smiled up at her. It was nice to have her as a friend.

"I'll text you tomorrow." She turned to walk away and I watched her as she crossed the street, toward the two men at the suburban. One of the men, the one that always wore black slacks and a black collared shirt, opened the back door for her while the other man, the one who was usually dressed more causal in khakis and a polo shirt, jumped in the driver's seat.

As I watched the suburban drive away, I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever find out what happened to her.

THE NEXT morning my alarm clock rang out, but it didn't wake me; my eyes were already open. In the few months I had been in New York, there were only a few nights when I slept the entire night without waking from a nightmare.

Throwing off the covers, I got up and jumped in the shower, eager to get to work. Actually, the best part of my day was knowing I had a job to go to. I wanted to cherish the feeling as long as I could.

"Morning, Isabel." I smiled at our receptionist as I walked in the front door of our small office. Her jet-black hair was pulled to the right side, braided, and hung over her right shoulder. Her brilliant white teeth stood out against her dark olive skin and striking green eyes. She was not only beautiful and exotic looking, she was also really sweet and my favorite person in the office.

"It is a good morning." She smiled back at me. "Have you heard who's coming in this morning?"

I shook my head. "No, who?"

"Oh, just wait. You'll see." She smiled wider and gave me a wink as I walked past her.

Confused, I made my way back to my office, the one I shared with Christine—the girl who, for some reason, had hated me since the day I started working there. It was only a few days ago that she even spoke to me when I asked her a question. Before, it was like I didn’t even exist. She was a couple years older than me, maybe twenty-five or so. The strangest thing was that we looked so similar she could have been my sister. Our hair color was the same except hers was cut to her shoulders while mine hung closer to the middle of my back. Our builds were similar, although she was a lot more endowed in the chest area than me.

When I walked in, Christine was sitting in her chair facing me as she talked on the phone. She gave me a quick, wry smile before turning around to her computer. Her degree from New York University hung on the wall above her monitor along with many other awards and accomplishments. At least we had separate desks. Christine faced the wall and I faced the door, having a clear view of the lobby and Isabel's desk. I think I got the better deal out of the two spots. I couldn't imagine staring at a wall all day.