Kendall Ryan - When I Surrender

I’d lost my virginity last night to a man who was in sexual addiction recovery. I could lose my counseling license. I could lose everything I’d worked hard for – and for what? While I was falling deeper and deeper, I had no idea what it would lead to. Did Knox even love me? He’d told me time and again he wasn’t capable of love. I was finally starting to see the ramifications of that. The risks I was taking for him could all be for nothing. My chest felt tight as I watched him take a seat across the room without so much as acknowledging me.

That week’s group was the most awkward experience of my life. Each member shared the number of days since their last sexual encounter and when Knox said one – my cheeks flamed as memories of me unabashedly grinding against him in his bed last night came flooding back. I didn’t know how to reconcile these two halves of myself – the counselor helping him heal and the girl who wanted to fall into his arms and give in to the pleasure of the moment.

It seemed like I’d lived a lifetime of new experiences since I’d first watched him saunter through that door just a few short months ago. So much had changed and yet nothing really had. I had Knox in my life now – but the threat of his past still threatened our future, I still had Brian playing the overprotective and slightly possessive big brother, and I’d yet to face my own past. Dread churned inside me. I had a strange feeling everything I held dear was about to collide.

There were times I thought we could really do this – forge a real relationship built on honesty and trust. Like when I’d been neck deep in bubbles last night, feeling pampered and cherished. Other times, like this moment sitting in sex addicts anonymous, or when Knox hadn’t returned my I love you I realized I was living in a fantasy land and that this relationship had far more complications than I gave it credit for.

As the weeks passed, I became less and less sure about what I was doing. My life was spinning out of control further by the day. It made me miss my mother and her pragmatic advice more than ever. I was falling deeper and deeper for a man with an inability to love me back and my weekly group sessions were becoming something I dreaded. They were heavy and intense and I felt like a complete hypocrite.

Everything I did felt like a burden I could just barely carry the weight of and by the end of the day, I collapsed heavily into bed alone, my chest an aching hole. I thought I could do it, be with Knox on his terms, wait for him to come around and continue leading SAA, but I was quickly beginning to realize it was too much for me. I was emotionally invested in both – loving Knox and helping with his recovery – and I didn’t even know where we stood.

I’d kept myself busy with work and volunteering in an attempt to give him a bit of space. I’d met up with Amanda a few times and we’d been scouring resale shops for pink baby clothes. Even Knox’s neighbor Nikki had helped out – sending a big bag of Bailee’s old clothes home with me for Amanda. But none of my distractions helped. I was consumed by my growing love for Knox and the undeniable guilt about the relationship we were carrying on.

Knox was picking me up from my apartment tonight since he’d become increasingly difficult about me taking the bus. I had my backpack slung over my shoulder with pajamas, a few toiletries, and clothes for tomorrow since heaven forbid I leave a few things over at his place. I didn’t want to freak him out. I was sharing his bed, but I knew I wasn’t occupying the space I really wanted to – his heart.

Brian watched me from the corner of his eye, disapproval written all over his face.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I murmured, stuffing my keys in my coat pocket.

“That lawyer called again.”

Crap . I chewed on my lip, avoiding his eyes.

“You ever gonna deal with that?” he asked.

Not if I don’t have to. “I will, Bri. Soon,” I promised. Spotting the headlights of Knox’s Jeep from the front window, I headed out the door.

“Hi,” I murmured, climbing inside the darkened interior of the Jeep. The scent of warm leather and Knox’s unique masculine scent of sandalwood washed over me and calmed me in an instant. Maybe things would all work out. I just needed to have patience.

“Hi, beautiful.” He kissed my forehead before pulling out onto the road. “The guys have missed you.”

Reading between the lines, I wondered if he had missed me and that was his way of letting me know. I craved his affection, craved honesty and realness from him, but I sensed he was still holding himself back from me. “I missed them, too.”

When we arrived home I was accosted by Tucker, who seemed to grow an inch every time I saw him. “Hey buddy.” I rumpled his hair. “How’s school?”

“Good. Will you read to me tonight?”

“Sure.” Casting a quick glance at Knox, I let Tucker take my hand and pull me upstairs to his bedroom.

After three books and a sleepy goodnight hug, I pulled the blankets up around Tucker and met Knox in his attic bedroom. He was sprawled out across his bed with his sketchbook balanced on his chest. “Tucker get settled in okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah, he’s out cold.”

He studied me for a second, watching the way I stood in the center of his bedroom, my eyes sweeping over the room. “What’s on your mind?” he asked, patting the bed bedside him.

Take your pick. That letter I’d yet to open from the lawyer in Indiana concerning my parents’ estate, Knox’s failure to fully commit, my guilt over sleeping with a sex addict in recovery, or Brian’s recent admission that he wanted to be with me. I felt dizzy just thinking about it all.

I couldn’t dump all of that on Knox right now. Releasing a heavy sigh, I decided to tell him the least painful part. “Brian asked a few weeks ago if he had a shot with me. He said it’s what my parents would have wanted.”

“And what did you say?” His face was impassive, but I hoped that maybe this would push him into action. I wasn’t going to be happy with our arrangement forever. I wanted a real commitment, love, a relationship that I knew could eventually grow into something more.

“I couldn’t say anything. My parents loved him.”

“I see.” I wondered if that was a twinge of disappointment or fear that flashed in his chocolate brown eyes. Before I could decide, his expression had turned stoic.

With Knox’s cool demeanor – he was neither pushing me away, nor drawing me closer. I wondered if it was time to go back to Indiana and deal with my past once and for all.

“I don’t know what this is, but you know how I feel about you, right?” I asked.

He nodded, but gave me no indication he shared those feelings. I wanted to push him for answers – to ask him to explain – but I feared hearing his answer, so instead I sat on his bed, quietly picking at the hem of my sweater.

“Tell me what else is on your mind. There’s something more than just Brian’s infatuation bugging you.”

“This is too much for me. I thought I could do it – be with you and lead SAA, but I can’t.” The heavy sigh weighing on my chest ripped free. “I’m emotionally invested in both and I don’t even know where we stand.”

“That’s fair,” he said quietly, looking down at his sketchbook.

I hated how calm and cool he was about it all. What did he mean? What was happening to us? Whoever said sex changed everything between a man and a woman was right.

“I need to go back to Indiana. There’s something I need to take care of. And I’m going to ask Brian to come with me.”

He nodded. Piercing brown eyes gazed up at me, making my chest ache. “When are you leaving?”