Kendall Ryan - When I Surrender

“I, um, came onto Knox.”

My eyes widened. “What? When?” I fought to control my voice. I couldn’t go sounding like a jealous girlfriend right now. As hard as it was, I needed to be objective and professional. Amanda was opening up to me as part of her own treatment.

“In a moment of weakness…it was stupid, I know. He’d given me his phone number and I knew I supposed to use it to call him about recovery and kid-related questions, but one night I was sitting around feeling lonely and sorry for myself and I called him up and asked if he wanted to hang out and have a little grown up fun.”

I nearly choked getting my next words out. “And did he?” If he’d lied to me about hooking up Amanda, so help me God, I’d lose it. I wasn’t a violent person, but the wrath I’d rain down on him would rival the apocalypse.

She chewed on her lip. “No, he said he was trying to be done with random hookups and made it sound there was someone special in his life.”

Wow. I knew I should respond, but I was rendered speechless.

“You’re not mad, are you?”

It took me almost a full minute to realize she wasn’t asking because she knew that Knox were sort of together, she was asking because she was supposed to be in recovery. My twisted emotions were going to blow this whole thing if I wasn’t careful. “No, I’m not mad. I won’t ever be mad for you opening up and sharing with me.” I took her hand. “I’m actually proud of you, Amanda. You’re growing. You might have slipped up a little, but you recognized that your actions were wrong.” Her confession to me proved that. I released her hand and a smile blossomed across her mouth.

Amanda turned back to her magazine and tore out a coupon for baby formula, stuffing it into her purse. I decided then and there that I liked her. I was glad Belinda had asked me to help. Amanda was actually a sweet girl underneath her layers of hurt and despair. She was burdened by dark secrets just like me. I felt a sort of familiarity being with her, waiting here with her just so that she could have some company and not feel quite so alone.

As I looked around the waiting room, I couldn’t help but notice the numerous posters plastered on the walls about birth control options. I’d never had to think about things like birth control, but as I sat there, my mind wandered to Knox, and I found myself thinking about birth control pills and condoms. I didn’t know if or when anything might happen between us, or when Knox would be ready to take our physical relationship further, but I made a mental note to call and schedule an appointment with my gynecologist soon. Nerves danced in my belly at the thought of being intimate with him, but I knew I wanted him to be my first. Cold dread shivered down my spine. God, what would Belinda say? I shuddered at the thought. I was planning to have sex with one of our group members. Nothing about this situation was normal, but I didn’t care because it felt right. And I was tired of being too careful, barely living these last few years. I wanted to be with Knox. Plain and simple. And I thought he wanted to be with me, too, as resistant as he’d been about taking our relationship further. We were making real progress and I wouldn’t stop things now. And I’d need to make sure we were prepared so I didn’t find myself in a situation like Amanda, with an unplanned pregnancy. Knox had enough mouths to feed. I wouldn’t add a baby to mix.

I hadn’t expected to go into the exam room with her, but when the nurse called her name, Amanda looked at me expectantly and waited for me to rise from my seat and join her. I could read the indecision in her eyes. She didn’t want to be alone, and I couldn’t blame her.

I held her hand while they performed an ultrasound and tears leaked from the corners of her eyes as she seen the tiny image of a baby inside her for the first time. The steady thump of the baby’s heart was sure and strong.

The nurse estimated the baby to almost five months along, based on her measurements, which surprised Amanda. Her own calculations had been off. She was due in the spring.

“There’s only one in there, right?” she asked the nurse, her voice high and almost panicked.

The nurse and I both smiled. “Yes, there’s just one baby. And he or she looks to be growing just fine. Did you want to know the sex?”

“Yes, please,” Amanda said.

“You’re having a girl.”

I held her hand while she cried, her eyes fixed on the screen. It seemed Amanda wouldn’t be alone any longer.

Helpful deed done for the day, I dropped Amanda off at home and texted Knox as I sat on the bus alone. Being around someone even more alone and lonely than myself all day had inspired a visit. I missed him.

When I arrived at Knox’s place, Tucker had already gone to bed, but Knox, Jaxon, and Luke all sat together in the living room. While they were normally so good-natured, tonight the mood felt tense. I toed off my shoes at the welcome mat and ventured in to see what they were discussing.

Luke sat on the sofa with his head hanging in his hands. Jaxon and Knox were perched in the arm chairs facing him, all of their expressions sour.

“Do you want to talk about it or are you going to keep moping around like someone kicked you in the balls?” Jaxon asked, looking squarely at Luke.

“Cool it, Jax,” Knox warned. “Luke? You wanna talk?”

Luke peered up, his eyes wandering over to mine and then back to his brothers. I sat down next to him. “Everything okay?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Just girl problems,” he said, releasing a heavy sigh. “Mollie broke up with me.”

I hadn’t known that he had a girlfriend, but perhaps this was the reason he’d once asked me about how to make a girl’s first time special. I still got a happy little feeling remembering how he’d opened up to me. “I’m sorry.” I squeezed his hand.

“If Knox has taught us anything, it’s that there are plenty of girls to go around. There’s no sense getting your panties in a twist over this one. So pull your tampon out and man up,” Jaxon said, rising from the chair. “And on that note, I’m going to bed. You guys are depressing.”

Knox frowned, watching Jaxon retreat up the stairs. “Ignore him, Luke. Jax is an asshole.”

Luke’s twisted expression relaxed slightly. “How do you know when you’re in love?” he asked Knox.

This should be interesting. I waited, breathless, to hear his answer.

Knox’s brows drew together. “You just do.” He hesitated for a few seconds, running his hand over the back of his neck, looking deep in thought, like he was trying to put into words whatever was churning inside his head. “I guess you know when you want to spend time with the girl, protect her, and take care of her.”

My heart melted at hearing his description of love. We might not be there yet, but I hoped we were on our way.

“Like you are with McKenna?” Luke asked.

Knox’s dark eyes met mine, and all the oxygen was ripped from my lungs. He didn’t say anything else, he just watched me for several long moments while my heart pounded steadily. The warmth of hot adrenaline pushed through my veins. He was looking at me like he wanted to do unspeakable things to me and I was staring back at him, challenging him to take whatever he wanted. He already had my heart.

“Knox?” I asked, breaking the heavy silence. “Will you give us a minute?” I tipped my head toward Luke. I wanted to talk to him alone and I might spontaneously combust if Knox kept looking at me like that, all dark and hungry.

“Sure.” Knox rose from the arm chair. “I’ll just go check on Tuck.”

Luke released a heavy sigh full of sorrow. I scooted closer to him on the couch. “You okay, bud?”