Kendall Ryan - When I Surrender

He chuckled, dryly, his throat obviously raw. “I don’t think that.”

I met his eyes. “You act like it sometimes. Working hard, raising your brothers, trying to right your wrongs. You’re pretty amazing, you know that?” Something about seeing him this sick and miserable made me all sentimental.

“You think that, but it’s not true,” he said. I didn’t argue, didn’t want him to waste his energy debating his point. I knew he was amazing, despite what he thought. I just continued softly brushing back his hair, gazing down at him with reverence. “You’ve always thought that, haven’t you?” he continued. “You always believed in me. Even before I believed in myself.”

Of course I did. I was a counselor; I believed people could change, right down to my very being. I had to believe it. It needed to be true if I was ever going to be good enough to outdo the wrong that caused me to lose my parents. Or maybe I just wanted to believe that Knox could change because I’d felt such a pull to him right from the beginning. I’d wanted a little piece of this troubled man, even though it scared me. I needed him to be okay. So did his brothers. “Just rest. I’m going to go clean up a bit and run to the grocery store.”

He smiled weakly up at me. “Thank you. There’s some money in my top drawer.” He looked over at his dresser in the corner.

He worked hard for his money, but I knew he wasn’t any better off than me. If I could help out a little, I would. And there was enough in my bank account this week. I could afford bread and milk and basics for the boys. “Anything in particular sound good?”

He made a grimace, like food sounded awful. “Maybe just some soda.”

“You got it.” And perhaps some chicken noodle soup for once they all started feeling better. It was just what my mom would have made if I were sick. I’d get a big pot bubbling on the stove just in case. Fill the house with that yummy aroma in the hopes that would lift their spirits.

I headed downstairs and found Luke and Jaxon on the couch playing the least spirited game of Xbox I’d ever seen. They still looked glassy-eyed and pale, but they were out of bed and apparently well enough to sit and play, but not enough to engage in their usual banter and trash talking. “You guys feeling better?” I asked, slipping on my coat and shoes.

“Well enough to not be hugging the toilet anymore.” Jaxon smirked.

“That’s a good thing.” I winked. “I’m headed to the store and I’m gonna make some chicken noodle soup later, it’ll be ready whenever you feel up for eating.”

“Thanks, Kenna,” they both chimed in.

I would tackle the dishes and bathrooms when I returned. This house was in need of some serious TLC. After a week of four sick boys with no one cleaning up – it looked and smelled the part.

“McKenna?” Luke asked, glancing up from his game.

I paused, turning to face him. “Yeah?”

“Thanks for making our house feel like a home.” He flashed a perfectly straight white smile at me and my heart melted a tiny bit in my chest. Without a family of my own anymore, I’d been unwittingly making myself part of theirs.

When I got home from Knox’s place, I was exhausted. I felt like I hadn’t slept in a week. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and wrap myself up in the blankets, but first I wanted a nice hot shower. Brian wasn’t home, thankfully, so I didn’t have to field any questions about where I’d been all day. I knew he wasn’t happy about me cancelling our plans to go and see Knox.

Under the steaming spray of water, I washed myself thoroughly, scrubbing away any lingering germs, though I’d been careful at Knox’s, washing my hands and disinfecting everything I’d touched over there. Drying myself with an oversized towel, I padded into my bedroom and dressed in pajamas. I didn’t care that it was only late afternoon. I felt like going to bed.

Crawling under the covers, I was asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow.

When my texts and phone calls to McKenna went unanswered, I decided to drive over to her apartment to see for myself what was going on. Just as I suspected, she’d come down with the flu. After an unpleasant exchange with Brian, I found her in her bed, curled into a tight little ball.

“McKenna?” I whispered.

Her eyes opened slowly, taking several moments to focus on mine. “Knox?”

“You caught it, didn’t you?” I smiled down at her, brushing her hair back from her face.

“Uh huh,” she nodded.

I knew there’d been no way she could have hung around me and the boys, as sick as we all were for four days straight, and not catch this nasty flu. Something tugged inside my chest seeing her so pale and listless. I wished there was something I could do, but unfortunately I knew this thing had to run its course. “Can I get you anything?”

She pulled the blankets up higher toward her chin. “I’m cold. Maybe an extra blanket.” She tipped her chin toward the chair in the corner where a fluffy throw blanket was folded.

I arranged the blanket over her and then crawled into bed beside her. “Here.” I opened my arms. “I’ll warm you up.”

She snuggled into my chest. “Mmm. My own personal space heater.”

McKenna dozed in and out of sleep while I lay there holding her. She stopped shivering after about ten minutes and soon her skin was growing damp with perspiration.

Now that my strength had returned and all the boys were healthy again, I’d returned to work. But if need be, I would stay here and care for McKenna, just like she’d done for us.

After a brief knock, Brian pushed open the door. Shooting him a scowl, I wondered if he invaded McKenna’s privacy like this often. Dickhead . “Need something?” I asked. McKenna’s eyelids fluttered, but she remained curled against my side.

“I’d prefer the door to stay open if you’re going to be in her room with her.”

Was he fucking serious? “Are you her father?”

Opening her eyes, McKenna looked up at me and frowned. My choice of words hit me at that exact moment. Fuck . “I’m sorry. I’ll be right back.”

I climbed from her bed and met Brian in the hallway, softly closing the bedroom door behind me. “What’s your problem with me? Or is it with any man being with her that isn’t you?”

“McKenna may trust you, but I don’t. And I certainly don’t trust you alone in a bed with her.”

“She’s sick. Do you really think I’m going to try something?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know how you work – what you’re capable of.”

“I have issues, I’ll be the first to admit it, but I’m not a fucking rapist. Christ.” I shuddered. It made me wonder what McKenna had told him about me. Did he actually think I’d make her do anything she wasn’t ready for? The truth was, McKenna had been the one driving the physical aspects of our relationship this entire time. Not that I’d give good old Brian the satisfaction of knowing that.

“She hasn’t told you, has she?” Brian smirked.

“Told me what?”

“McKenna’s still a virgin. At least I’m pretty sure she is.”

All the air was ripped from my lungs. McKenna was untouched? That piece of information made me both deliriously happy and pissed off. How could she not have told me? What if I’d let things go too far the other night? “That’s her business,” I said, recovering.

Brian narrowed his eyes. If he wanted to believe I was the bad guy, that I was dangerous for her – too fucking bad. McKenna brought out new sides in me, made me feel things I’d never felt before. And I wouldn’t hurt her, would never force her. He could think whatever he wanted to about me. I had zero problem knocking him on his ass again if the occasion called for it. And the way my blood was currently coursing through my veins, stirring up anger and resentment inside me, I wondered if now was that occasion. Instead, I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down. “If we’re through here, I have a sick girl in there to take care of.” I headed into her room and closed the door behind me, signaling that she was mine to care for, not his.