Kendall Ryan - When I Break

When I headed back inside, I found the boys in the kitchen cleaning up and jumped in to lend a hand, welcoming the distraction from the thoughts swirling inside my brain.

“So, what’s McKenna doing back here? I thought she was just your counselor,” Jaxon asked, looking down as he washed a glass in the sink. It was how guys worked. Sometimes we found it easier to have conversations when our hands were busy.

I bumped his shoulder as I pushed my way in to rinse. “She is. She’s just my counselor. But she came to hang out too. That cool with you?”

“Sure. Why should I care?”

I could tell there was more to it than he was letting on. He’d brought it up for a reason. Maybe he was just curious about my having a normal relationship with a girl. Hell, I was too. I’d repeatedly told my brothers things weren’t like that between McKenna and me, but apparently they knew my history with women too well.

“I like her,” Luke said as he stuffed the paper plates into the overflowing trash can.

“Me too,” Tucker chimed in. “She’s nice.”

“She’s got a nice ass,” Jaxon said, smirking down into the dishwater.

Reaching back with a wet hand, I smacked the back of his head lightly. “Don’t talk about her ass, dude.”

Shit, he was right, though. Earlier when I’d watched her lift up onto her toes to reach the top shelf in the cupboard, her shirt had ridden up, revealing the milky skin of her lower back and a perfectly round ass I wanted to grip in my hands.

I’d fought the urge to walk up behind her and cage her in against the counter, and rub up against her like a dog in heat. It should be illegal to be that hot and be a sex addiction counselor. Seriously, they needed to outlaw that shit.

McKenna

The guys wouldn’t let me help clean up; apparently it was because they wanted to grill Knox about what my appearance here meant. Hearing him say I was just his counselor had stung. I was starting to wonder if I shouldn’t have come. Maybe my being here was confusing.

I sat on the couch and flipped on the TV, wondering what to do. I hadn’t felt like just his counselor. It had felt like hanging out with a friend. But apparently I needed to stop being delusional.

Soon the boys had finished their chores, and though Jaxon disappeared up the stairs, the others joined me in the living room. Before I knew it, I was surrounded on the couch by boys, Luke on one side and Tucker on the other. Tucker sat motionless, looking up at me in wonder. “You’re really pretty,” he said. “And you smell good. Like candy and soap.”

“Thank you.” I tousled his hair, running my fingers through the too-long strands. He was overdue for a haircut, but the look suited him.

He scooted his body closer and yawned. I patted my thigh and he laid his head down in my lap. My heart full, I reached down and pushed his hair back from his forehead, and he released a contented little sigh and closed his eyes. It seemed these boys were hungry for female attention, and it killed me to think they missed their mother so badly they were willing to accept attention from anyone. Even from me, someone they only met a couple of days ago.

After a little while, Knox went to help Tucker to change into his pajamas and brush his teeth, since it was clear he was wiped out from soccer. That left Luke and me still sitting together on the couch while the TV hummed quietly in the background.

Luke glanced over at me from his perch on the sofa, his expression all serious. “So, are you going to help my brother?”

“I’m trying to.” I didn’t know how much he knew about Knox’s addiction. He knew that Knox saw a counselor, but I wasn’t sure if he understood the full picture.

“Does that mean you’ll be here more often?”

“I hope so.”

“Me too.”

After several minutes of comfortable silence, Luke looked over at me again. He was always so thoughtful and calm, his scrunched brows and creased forehead had me wondering what was on his mind.

“McKenna? Can I ask you a question?”

I wondered if it was related to my sudden presence in Knox’s life. And how I would explain it. “Sure, what’s up?”

“It’s kind of a private… You know what, never mind. It’s stupid.”

Now I was even more curious. “You can ask me anything, Luke.” If they didn’t have regular access to a female in their lives, I wanted to fulfill the role in any way I could.

“Well, I was just wondering. How do you, um, make a girl’s first time special?”

Oh my God. He was not asking me this. How the hell would I know, with my utter lack of experience?

Knox had entered the room after putting Tucker to bed and he glanced over at us briefly, acting disinterested, but I could see the tension in his jaw as he plopped into the armchair and pretended not to listen.

My heartbeat ticked in my throat and I fought to maintain slow, even breaths. When I looked up again, I found Knox’s eyes locked on mine, looking straight into my soul. I met Luke’s gaze again, who was still waiting for an answer.

I gave him a little nod, as if I answered this type of question all the time. “For a girl, her first time is really important. Probably more so than a guy’s.” My voice was a little shaky and I cleared my throat, starting again. “It’s important to make sure she’s really ready and not just going along with it or feeling pressured.”

Luke nodded, hanging on my every word. I didn’t want to encourage him to have sex, but I also didn’t want to counsel him too harshly and pretend this type of stuff didn’t happen. He was a junior in high school, and many boys and girls his age were already sexually active. I couldn’t turn a blind eye to that fact. Just because I wasn’t getting any, didn’t mean that other people weren’t.

“Yeah, I get that,” he said. “It’s just, it’s a lot of pressure on the guy to make it perfect, ya know?”

I smiled at him. It was sweet that he was worried about making it good for the girl. “No one’s first time is perfect. Take your time, make sure you’re both enjoying yourselves, and have fun. That’s the best advice I can give you.” It was the only advice I could give him, considering my own first time was over before it even started. I was a twenty-one-year-old virgin. A fact I wasn’t necessarily proud of. Sometimes I felt like a freak.

“Okay, that makes sense.” The crease in his forehead disappeared.

“Just be yourself, Luke. You’re thoughtful and sweet. Oh, and make sure you have protection. And wear it.”

“Yes, ma’am.” His cheeks reddened slightly. “They give out condoms in health class.”

I nodded. Curious, I wanted to ask him who the special girl was, but I thought more questions might make this conversation awkward and I didn’t want to pry. “You can always ask me anything, I want you to know that.” I smiled at him and patted his knee, all the while mentally cursing myself for implying I’d be around more, when the truth was I had no idea.

“So you know a lot about this sex stuff, huh?”

“Professionally speaking, I suppose so, but I’m not discussing my private life with you.”

Luke’s face broke into a wide smile. “That’s okay, I don’t wanna hear about my brother’s sex life. Nasty.”

“Your brother and I aren’t—”

“I know.” He smiled. “He likes you, I can tell.” His eyes flashed on mine before he hopped up from the couch and retreated down the hallway.