Kendall Ryan - When I Break

I had stayed at Knox’s far longer than I’d intended, nearly five hours. The time had flown by, laughing and eating with him and his brothers. I hadn’t felt this relaxed and happy in a long time.

By the time darkness fell, it was pouring down rain outside. I was going to be soaked through by the time I made it home, but I had to suck it up. Somehow I knew calling Brian for a ride would be a bad idea. He’d never approve of my being at Knox’s.

Reluctantly, I stood up. “I guess I should get going.”

“All right.” Knox stood next to me and crossed his arms over his chest. “Are you parked out front? I can walk you out.” Before I could answer, he grabbed an umbrella from a closet by the front door.

I slowly turned to face him. “No, I don’t have a car. I took the bus here.”

A crease appeared between Knox’s brows. “You took the city bus here?”

I nodded.

“Guys, I’ll be back soon,” he said, turning to address his brothers. “Come on, I’m driving you home. There’s no way I’m letting you ride the bus after dark.”

Letting me? He had a commanding way with words, but it had been a long time since I felt concern as genuine as Knox’s seemed to be. Even if it was unexpected, it was nice.

The interior of Knox’s Jeep smelled like him—sandalwood and warm leather. We rode the few miles to my apartment building while I pointed out the directions. I liked watching him drive. His long fingers curled around the wheel as his denim-covered thighs stretched out before him, drawing my eyes.

When Knox pulled to a stop outside the building, I wasn’t ready to go. Reading my hesitation, he turned to face me. “Should I walk you up? Make sure everything’s safe?”

“No, that’s okay. Brian’s home.” I pointed to the black sedan parked three spaces down.

“Brian’s that guy who came to your meeting to pick you up?”

I nodded.

“You live with him.”

It wasn’t a question, but I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. “Yes, but he’s just a friend, my roommate.”

“Are you fucking him?”

“N-no,” I choked out. Suddenly I felt hot and uncomfortable in the small, dark space with Knox, off-balance at the abrupt change in his tone. Why would he care if I was sleeping with Brian or not? “Do you have a date tonight?” I asked.

“I don’t date.”

I swallowed. “Fine. Will you be requiring company later?”

“Yes.” His dark gazed pierced mine, looking hungry and full of desire. “I can’t be expected to watch you parade around in your tight jeans all night and not need a release.”

It was the first time he’d mentioned that my physical appearance had an effect on him. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. God, what was wrong with me? He needed help, not another girl throwing herself at him. Besides, I should feel disgusted; he had just admitted he was going out looking for sex after spending the evening with me.

“Good night, McKenna,” he said, his tone final and dismissive.

“Good night.” I climbed from the Jeep, sliding from the seat until both feet touched the ground. Without looking back I headed inside, the cool rain a balm against my warm, flushed face.

McKenna

It had been a week since I’d seen Knox. Never in my life had I looked forward to my Saturday morning group so much.

All week I replayed in my mind the time we spent together at his house. I had felt a pull inside me, an indescribable urge to get closer to him. There were so many layers to his personality, so many sides to him. I wanted to know each one, to turn him like a crystal in the light, to inspect his many facets.

Knox entered the room and a slow smile tugged at my mouth. With his messy dark hair sticking up in several directions, he looked like he’d just rolled out of bed. He was dressed in jeans, work boots left unlaced, and a plain white T-shirt with a gray wool jacket slung over his arm. He looked rugged and beautiful. His eyes cut straight to mine. The way he looked at me was overwhelming; I could feel that penetrating gaze deep inside my body. And I liked it way too much.

I all but collapsed into my chair, needing to sit to steady my nerves. That week’s group session was about making amends for your past wrongs. Basically it was about getting right with yourself and others in order to move forward.

We spent much of the hour talking about sexually transmitted diseases, how to notify past lovers of bad news, and the courage that took. A few people already had recent tests completed, and spoke about how nerve-wracking it was to get their results. Most of the others agreed to get testing done, and we agreed to talk next time about how to handle whatever their outcomes might be. I had the contact information for an AIDS/HIV support group at my desk, but I hoped I didn’t need it. Thinking like that was probably juvenile, though. These people had exposed themselves and others to serious risk, and I feared theirs might not all be good news.

Throughout the entire conversation, Knox was quiet and contemplative as always. I wondered about his status and if he’d also pursue the testing this week. Something told me probably not. At least, not without a little shove.

I ended the group by passing out information on the local clinics that offered free testing. Knox took the flyer, but stuffed it inside his jacket pocket without reading it.

After everyone else had filtered out of the room, Knox stood and stretched, his arms lifting above his head. The movement lifted his T-shirt several inches to expose firm, sculpted abs. A bolt of heat raced through me. I really needed to have this thermostat checked.

I wandered over to where he stood, summoning my courage. “Have you been tested?”

His eyes flashed on mine, seemingly surprised I’d questioned him so directly. “I always use condoms.”

I felt a small measure of comfort knowing that information. Of course it wasn’t enough, but it was something. “Condoms can break. You should be tested.”

“I have no weird symptoms. No burning sensation when I pee. I’m good.” He smiled, trying to turn this into something lighthearted, but I stood my ground.

“You have your brothers to think about, Knox. Do it for them.” It might have been an unfair move, playing his brothers against him, but I knew that would get through.

He pulled the rumpled flyer from his pocket and looked down at it. “Come with me?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Of course.”

His eyes lifted to meet mine. “Now?”

I hesitated, then relented. “Okay.”

We waited at the clinic almost an hour before they could see Knox. They were busy on Saturdays, but still, I was glad we were here. I worried that if we postponed this, he’d never come back. He’d tried to encourage me to get tested too, handing me a clipboard when we checked in, but I’d refused. Little did Knox know, my sexual past was all but nonexistent. We were quite opposites in that way.

When he emerged from the doctor’s office fifteen minutes later, his expression was sour, and his posture tense. “Let’s go.” He didn’t bother stopping to wait for me to put my coat back on, so I jogged after him, stuffing my arms into the jacket as I tried to catch up.

“What happened?”

He turned to face me once we’d reached his Jeep in the parking lot. “I did it, all right?”