Lyra Parish - Weak Without Him

I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. Anger filled me, then sadness, then anger again. I should have grabbed Jesse by her hair and forced her out of his office, then beat the shit out of her. But that was assault, and I wasn't a violent person, as much as she made me want to fight.

I pulled over on the side of the road, ran my fingers through my hair, and leaned my head against the steering wheel. Control, I had to find it before I got lost in a mind spin of rage.

My phone rang again. I picked it up, but before I rejected it, I saw that it was Luke. My heart dropped, and for a moment I thought about not answering, but... fuck it. What did I really have to lose?

"Hi," I said with a shaky, small voice.

"Jennifer, I wanted to… wait, is everything okay?"

When I sucked in a breath, my nose burned and I thought the tears would come, but instead I masked my feelings from him.

"No."

"Where are you?"

"I don't know. On the side of the road somewhere."

"Do you need help?"

Silence lingered.

"You can't help me. Everything is fine. Just a little upset."

"Well meet me somewhere. We need to talk."

"I can't, Luke. Really, I need time alone."

"Come to my house. I won't take very much of your time. I promise."

"Alright." I hung up the phone, made a U-turn, and headed toward Luke's house in the Valley. Honestly, I wasn't sure what I would say when I got there. The emptiness in the pit of my stomach swelled. The thoughts of Finn and Jesse sickened me.

When I saw Luke's house in the distance, my nerves went haywire. The last time I saw him, he was running away from me. Now here I was, running to him.

I sat outside for a few minutes and tried to recoup, to swallow it all down. Put on that pretty face and hide the sadness that lurked in the shadows. After I took a deep breath, I looked over and saw Luke walking toward me in loose fitting jeans and a t-shirt with the sleeves shoved to his elbows. Paint splatters covered his hands and shirt. He must have been working.

I stepped out of the car and he drew me into his arms and hugged me. I didn't know if the tears would stay at bay. I knew once they started, they wouldn't stop.

"I'm sorry for treating you the way I did the other day."

I took in his familiar smell of summer, paint, and creativity. He pulled back and searched my face.

"What's wrong? I can tell something isn't right."

I swallowed. "I deserve to be treated badly by you. I'm a horrible person, and I'm sorry."

"You're not. You can't help who you love."

I laughed sarcastically. If he only knew how much that statement rang true. We can't choose who we love, and if we could, I'm sure half the people in America wouldn't get divorced or be in toxic relationships. It isn't easy to stop loving someone, even if they are bad for business.

"You must be cold. Let’s go inside."

Luke put his arm over my shoulder and led me in. Everything was clean and in place except for newspapers and pieces of mail scattered across the bar. He could find inspiration in anything.

"Are you going to tell me now?"

"I went to visit Finnley." I hesitated, then continued. "And when I walked into his office, Jesse was topless. And I was so shocked I left. I just left. I couldn't handle it."

"It hurts when the person you love is with someone else." Now he laughed sarcastically, and I heard the pain in his voice. I closed my eyes and pushed my face into my hands. That's when the tears came. It wasn't always easy to be strong. Sometimes even the strongest bridges collapsed, warships were decommissioned, and armies destroyed. I was no different.

Luke was by my side, forcing me to stand. He placed his arms around me, calmed me, and coaxed me to let it all out. The build of emotions came but I refused to cry over Finn, Luke, my parents, Abbie, and everything that I had bottled up for the past few months. I stood deflated and swallowed it back, again . After I had made a complete and utter puss out of myself, I wiped my watering eyes, and hoped the tears would stay away. I seriously hated the way I looked when I cried. It was something that needed to be done alone. I didn't want pity from anyone, especially Luke.

He lifted my chin and forced me to look into his blue eyes. "I forgive you. I'm leaving tomorrow for Paris, and I wanted you to know that I'm not mad at you. As much as I want to hate you and my brother, I can't."

"You're leaving tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I decided to arrive a week early to get started on that project, and I found a flat that's fully furnished. Might as well get away. There's something that I want to show you before I leave." Then he smiled that boyish grin that overtook his whole face, and I couldn't help but smile back. "Come on." He patted my back, and we were climbing up the stairs.

Starry Night said hello, along with the pictures that Luke had painted of us. The guilt consumed me. The door to his studio was open, and we stepped inside. The canvases were almost in the same exact spot they were when I took my private tour, but there were more sketches along the walls. White sheets and plastic were draped across the floor, with paintbrushes and paint scattered by the eight foot canvas. He stood by his work of art with a huge smile on his face.

Paris. A lighted Eiffel Tower with flecks of snow falling around it filled the space. At the bottom was a couple holding hands, looking up at the masterpiece. The painting looked so realistic that I felt like I was there. I moved closer and admired each stroke of paint, every small fleck of snow, and the realism.

"Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful. You're so talented." We stood shoulder to shoulder staring at it.

"It's got a few imperfections, but for the most part, I'm happy with it."

I turned and looked at him. "Everything has imperfections. I feel like I am standing right there. Seriously, I think it's perfect the way it is."

"I think you're perfect."

I swallowed, and my breath caught in my chest. I tried to focus and get lost within its colors.

"I wish I could see this in real life."

"You do know I've still got your plane ticket." He smiled, and I brushed the hair from my shoulder. I turned and looked at him, but he continued to stare at the painting, holding back a grin. I contemplated the next few words that would come from my mouth.

"I'm going with you."

"What would Finnley say about that?"

"He's not the boss of me, and I would be honored to go with you, Luke. Just as friends, but still, we had plans. I want to travel. I want to see the world. And I need time away to figure out some things in my life."

"I won't stop you from coming because of selfish reasons but dodging your problems won't solve them."

"I'm not dodging anything. I think getting away will do me good, and I can do whatever I want."

"That's true. You're a grown woman and can make your own decisions."

"Wow, today has turned out different than I expected."

"I hope in a good way. Oh, and if you're coming along"—Luke grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles, then looked into my eyes—"better get to packing, yeah?"

Paris: the city of love. Tomorrow, I would be there, walking the streets, drinking the wine, and taking in the scenery that I so desperately wanted to see.

A part of me felt guilty for going, and wondered what Finnley would do or how he would react, but the truth of the matter was I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and with who I wanted. If Finn wanted true control over me, he would give me a title, like his girlfriend. Until that happened, I had no reason to obey his commands.

Luke walked me out and leaned against the doorframe as I walked away. When I turned around to take one last look at him, he smiled, and I returned it.