Elizabeth Finn: Brother's Keeper

When he’s finished with my feet, he helps me gently down from the counter. He takes a deep breath, looking weary. “We can talk about this tomorrow. Get some sleep.”

I quietly pull off his fleece, handing it to him before slipping away to Sara’s warm bed, and I drift off quickly and dream. I can’t recall the dream exactly, but I’m running away into the dark. Terror grips my heart as I’m pursued by something awful and unknown. Perhaps it’s more a memory than a dream. I awaken in a start. I don’t even realize I’ve screamed out until Logan bursts into the room ready to attack. I quickly start apologizing as he catches his breath and lets his heartbeat return to normal. He doesn’t leave me for long, though, until I’ve woken him in another fit of nightmares. Again, he is in the room before I am even fully awake. This time, he stays.

Without a word, he slips into the bed next to me and pulls me into him. Pathetically, I’ve never laid this close to a man before, and even in my exhaustion, I have to admit it has its perks. He is warm, and I feel safe. His body is the most amazing replacement for his fleece pullover, and I’m held secure in his arms, breathing in the scent of his skin. I don’t wake again until late morning. There is a note on the bedside table from Logan saying he’s gone to the office for the morning and will be home shortly after noon. The note is also quite adamant about my not leaving the house. Apparently, he hasn’t forgotten about my promise of explanation.

I take a long hot bath that feels painfully good on my scratched and bruised feet. Most of my facial damage is limited to the inside of my mouth but still shows lightly on the corner of my mouth. It could be worse. That’s one small favor I suppose; I have to work this evening and the last thing I want is to draw any attention to myself. I anxiously await Logan’s arrival, still unsure what I am going to tell him.

When I hear his car pull up in the drive, my heart starts racing. I’m in Sara’s room making the bed, or perhaps just trying to look casual, when he comes in. He looks awful. Which is to say, he looks like some hysterical kid has woken him in the middle of the night when he’s had to be up early the next morning. He watches me intensely, waiting. How does he do that? His eyes drill holes through me until I get so nervous I sit down. He stands, leaning against the nearby dresser, waiting patiently and adamantly for my response.

Redirection and distraction having worked so poorly for me the night before, I decide to give it another go. “Are you hungry?” I look up to his dark eyes furtively.

“Please stop, Rowan. I just want to know what happened.”

I sit there contemplating for a very long moment before offering what I know is a terribly pathetic response. “I know, but I have to be at work at five. I really have to go home and change before then. I promise…”

“That’s hours from now. Call in sick for all I care. I just want answers. Now. I’ve been waiting all day to find out why I broke the law for you.”

I look at him, suddenly puzzled, until he elaborates, his irritation seeping around his words. “Oh, you weren’t aware it’s illegal for me to withhold this type of information? You just thought I was allowed to make these judgment calls on my own? So just because I’m not a lawyer yet, you think I can’t destroy my career by breaking the law for you? Don’t you get it? Believe it or not, there’s a whole department solely charged with investigating child abuse that should be handling this by now. But wait, you already know that.” The angry sarcasm is seething from his voice. I try to apologize, to assuage his anger at me, but he cuts me off. “I’m not looking for an apology, Rowan. I want answers. Damn it! This may be nothing new to you, getting the shit beat out of you in the middle of the night, but it’s real fucking new to me!” To say he's angry is an understatement. “After all of this, you’re just going to shut down and say nothing?”

I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified to speak. Not the fear of physical violence I get at home, but the fear of utterly disappointing him. I can’t bear the thought of him being upset at me, irritated at me, or worse yet, hating me. But that’s exactly the situation I’m in. And with an angry shake of his head, he turns and leaves the room, leaving me sitting there, feeling guilty and heartbroken. I start to cry. I know I have to talk to him. He deserves every last bit of the truth from me, but what will he think of me once he knows?

I don’t know why I got so angry with Rowan. The second I went into that room all I wanted was to be sleeping soundly next to her like the night before. But in daylight, you can see the slight swelling of her mouth, and the truth of what has happened to her can’t be ignored.

After leaving her staring stunned at me in Sara’s room, I escaped to my parent’s room, pulled off my shirt, and collapsed on the bed. My guilt eats into me as my weary body tries to sink into sleep, and I end up cursing myself for being so cruel to her. Her fear, her pain was so obvious on her delicate features as I railed against her, and I let my exhaustion and my selfish desire to invade her life control my actions. She doesn’t deserve my anger. She deserves my support and my compassion. I was an asshole, plain and simple. And as I continue to drift in half-sleep, loathing my behavior, I feel the soft movement of the bed and my opportunity to fix what I’ve done.

Rowan is sitting on the side of the bed. Her back is to me, and her head is down. God, I’m such a shit. I sit up behind her and reach my hand to the nape of her neck. I want to apologize but don’t know where to begin. Her hair is pulled back, and the skin of her neck is smooth and warm to the touch. It occurs to me that I am too close to her. I have never touched Rowan in this way. I have never had any interest in Rowan other than the familial. She is, after all, just a kid and far too young for me. But my desire to comfort her feels strangely, almost arousingly, intimate.

Rowan isn’t beautiful in the sultry curvaceous sense of the word, but she is beautiful. Her face is angelic and easy to look at. Her eyes are round and open, and every emotion she feels can be read there plainly. Her small size and slight feminine lines are nothing like what I am used to, but the way she looks sitting on the side of the bed makes me want to touch her all the same.

Her head is down, and as she feels my touch she responds by tilting her face toward me and apologizing. Apology not being my strong suit, I slowly and gently stroke the skin of her neck, wanting to assure her that everything’s going to be all right. After a few moments, she begins to tell me a story. It’s the story of a young girl who’s gone from a loving home to losing a mother to gaining a monster. I’ve always known Rowan’s story was a sad one, but I never dreamed it could be this overwhelming. Hearing her talk about the abuse she'd suffered from her father is agony.

As she relives the worst of it, I can’t help but match up the lies she told my family and everyone else to the injuries she is now relating to me. She talks about the times Social Services had been called. And I remember such an occasion. Sara was so worried and wanted desperately for Rowan to tell her it was all a big mistake, and Rowan obliged. We bought into her lies so willingly, not wanting to believe the alternative. I understand now why she spent so many nights with Sara, to avoid confrontations with him. It worked, or so she said, but then, I was looking into the eyes of a young woman who had blood running down her face just twelve hours ago. It hadn’t worked at all. She had just been temporarily lucky. He was a monster, and there was no way he would stop using her as his own private punching bag.