Paula Stokes - The Art of Lainey

They stare back. Grinning. Laughing at me.

Her eyes light up. “I’ve got it. Where’s your book?”

“ The Art of War ? I didn’t exactly think I would need that at Jason’s.” I wasn’t even planning on needing the muffins. I seriously thought after almost a whole week apart that Jay would miss me. Dude, who is this Alex girl and what does she have that I don’t?

“I knew you were going to say that. Which is why I downloaded a copy onto my phone.” Bianca pulls out her cell and starts swiping the screen.

“I’m not sure I’m up for ancient Chinese literature right now.” I sink even farther down in my chair.

“Come on, Lainey. I know you. Strategizing will make you feel better.”

“Maybe.” I’m not convinced, but if I go home I’ll end up face-down on my bed crying, which definitely won’t make me feel better. “Okay, but I’m going to need ice cream for this.” Pushing back my chair, I head through the back dining area and around to the front. I slide behind the counter and help myself to a big scoop of Caramel Meltaway, loading it down with whipped cream and chocolate-covered espresso beans. I grab a spoon and head back to the table.

Bianca frowns at my monster-sized dessert. “Are you expecting company?”

I down a big spoonful of nothing but whipped cream. The airy consistency makes me cough. “Obviously not,” I say. “I’ll probably be alone forever.”

Instead of responding, Bee opens The Art of War , scrolls to Part IX, and sets her phone down in front of me.

“ ‘The Army on the March’ ?” I scoff. I skim a few passages. “So I’m not supposed to attack Jason in a river or a salt marsh?”

“Keep going.”

“Or from the bottom of a mountain?” I take a bite of ice cream.

“Exactly,” she says.

“Exactly what?”

“This whole section is basically saying you have to be on even ground to fight. Or better yet, you want to be the girl on the mountaintop. Think of it like in soccer. If the field isn’t level, it’s easier to score when moving downhill.”

“Oh, I get it. Jason is dating someone new so he has the upper hand, the better position.”

“All we have to do is find you a guy to date and you’ll be back on level ground.” She smiles. “Then Jason will see you, get jealous, and voilá —you’ll be the one on top.”

“A guy to date,” I repeat slowly. I feel like eating my way to the bottom of this bowl of ice cream and then getting a refill. I feel like crawling into bed, pulling my covers up over my head, and crying myself to sleep. What I don’t feel like is finding a guy to date.

“Yes.” Bianca peers around Denali as if one of the college kids bent over their laptops is just going to turn around and volunteer.

“Wait,” I say. “What if the guy falls for me and gets all stalkerish, like when the Swedish exchange student got a crush on Kendall sophomore year?” I’m actually thinking more along the lines of what if I flirt with a guy and he blows me off and I get to experience that crushing rejection feeling all over again.

Bee slides the ice cream toward her, out of my reach.

“Get your own,” I whine, grabbing for the bowl.

“No. You are not doing this,” she informs me, her hand wrapped firmly around the base of the dish. “I’m not going to let you drown yourself in ice cream. Gaining ten pounds will not make you feel better.”

“Neither will dating some other guy,” I say. “Let me finish reading the book. Maybe it’ll give me a better idea.”

“All right,” Bee says. “You work tomorrow, right? We can talk more then.” She tucks her phone back into her purse and then gives me another quick hug. “Let’s get out of here before your dad puts us to work.”

As we head out the front door, Micah and the new guy, Leo, are strolling over from the parking lot. They look weird walking together: Micah and his mohawk, Leo and his baseball cap and polo shirt. Micah raises one hand in a half wave, and Leo mutters something that sounds like “Hiya.” They’re both smiling at Bee. Neither one of them even glances in my direction. Normally it would not faze me that I’m being ignored by kitchen weirdos.

Today it does.

“Nice to know my Invisible Woman costume still works,” I mumble. I can’t remember the last time I felt this alone.

The next day, Bianca and I grab the table by the bookshelf again after we finish our shift.

“I ordered us a barbecued chicken pizza,” she says as I settle into the chair across from her. “I figured we could go through The Art of War together, break it down, make a list.” She’s already got the book open on her phone.

I slide up a third chair and prop my feet on it. “Show me the way, Warlord Woman.” I pull The Art of War out of my purse. “I read the second half last night. The part about exploiting enemy weaknesses made sense, but then there was some stuff about spies and alliances that doesn’t seem as helpful.”

“All right. Let’s brainstorm strategies,” she says.

I flip through several dog-eared pages, reading certain passages as Bianca makes notes.

I’m on Part VII, Maneuvering, when Ebony strolls out of the back with our barbecued chicken pizza. She’s wearing camo pants, a black sleeveless tee, and a studded leather necklace that looks like a dog collar. I resist the urge to tell her that her head is looking particularly shiny today. She frowns at my feet as she sets the pizza and two plates in the middle of the table. “Try not to make a mess, okay?” Without waiting for a response she disappears into the back.

Snatching a chunk of chicken from the slice of pizza nearest to me, I flip to Part VIII, Variation in Tactics. “‘There are five dangerous faults which may affect a general , ’” I say. “‘Recklessness, cowardice, a hasty temper.’” I pause. “‘A delicacy of honor? Over-solicitude’?”

“Pride and excessive worry,” Bianca translates, helping herself to a slice of pizza. “Maybe not exactly what Sun Tzu was thinking, but close enough for our purposes. So we need to make sure you avoid all of those feelings while you’re utilizing the rest of these strategies.”

I nibble on another piece of chicken. “Those feelings probably make up 85 percent of any given day for me, especially lately.”

Bee blots her lips on her napkin. “No one ever said war was easy.”

We finish going through the last few parts and then I slide around to Bianca’s side of the table so I can see the list she’s compiled.

1. Plan your attack

2. Know your enemy

3. Be flexible, unpredictable, deceptive, decisive

4. Seize opportunities as they present themselves

5. Attack from a position of power

6. Attack directly and indirectly

7. Don’t be too aggressive

8. Exploit enemy weaknesses

9. Divide and conquer

10. Utilize spies and allies

“It’s like a top ten list,” she says proudly. “Top ten ways to win back your ex-boyfriend.”

I read through the list again. “So what does all this mean for me and Jason?”

Bee takes a bite of pizza before answering. “We’re obviously planning your attack right now. Number two: Know your enemy. You know enough about Jason, but we need to learn more about this EMT girl.”

“EMT Girl. It’s like she’s a superhero. How am I supposed to compete with that?”

“What’s her name again?” Bee asks.