Susane Colasanti - Now and Forever

“What did you think?” Ethan asks breathlessly. Sweat pours down his face. The last song had some hardcore choreo.

I could confront him. Tell him I know he had a girl in his room. But that would be admitting what’s happening. If my world shatters any more than it already has, I don’t know how I’ll pick up the pieces.

“Awesome,” I say. “You were awesome.”

Of course this is happening on the last night of the Forever Tour. The irony has not been lost on me. All those promises Ethan made that we’d be together forever were such a joke.

Ethan rushes back out onstage. The crowd goes ballistic.

I get a flash of missing him already.

Like he’s already gone.

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When photos of Ethan kissing another girl go viral, I’m not even surprised.

I knew it. I don’t know how I knew it. But I did.

She’s pretty. Of course she’s pretty. She’s blonde and skinny with sharp features. Not curvy like me. Her cheekbones are ridiculous.

People are saying she’s a fan.

Everyone knows how much love Ethan has for his fans. Still, I wasn’t expecting him to hook up with one. Ethan Cross and Taylor Swift? Totally. Ethan Cross and Random Fangirl? Not so much.

It’s weird that I’m not crying. I should be crying. Instead, I’m just numb. I reach for the phone.

Damien picks up right away.

“Hey,” he says.

“Have you heard?”

“Yeah. I’m so sorry.”

“Who is she?”

“I don’t know. Some fan?”

“But how could he hook up with a fan?”

“You know how these girls are.”

He’s right. Being with the rock star they worship is every fangirl’s fantasy. That thing where you’re so obsessed with someone famous you think you actually have a chance with them. You really believe that if they just meet you once, that will be all it takes for them to feel the same way about you. That it would be love at first sight. Even if they’re the biggest rock star in the world. Even if they already have a girlfriend. It’s a fantasy that’s never become reality.

Until now.

I wish Damien were here. He can soothe me in a way no one else can.

“Do you want me to come over?” Damien says. He’s good at reading my mind.

“Yeah, but . . .”

“But what?”

“Aren’t you staying with friends in New York?”

“Exactly. I can drive over.”

“That’s kind of a long drive.”

“Sterling. I’d drive anywhere for you. Don’t you know that?”

“Are you sure you’re not too busy?”

“Busy waiting around for the next gig to start? It’s not until next weekend. What’s your address?”

While I’m waiting for Damien to get here, I think about how amazing he is. He’s been my rock all along. Listening to me vent about problems with Ethan. Hanging out with me backstage before shows. Sharing his quirky theories and stories with me.

Becoming a good friend when I didn’t even realize it was happening.

My phone has been blowing up all morning. Ethan won’t stop texting me. Plus he left me a bunch of messages. I refuse to read or listen to anything he has to say. Pictures don’t lie. Unlike him.

My heart pounds at the sound of Damien’s car pulling into the driveway. Mom is away on a business trip, so it has to be him. I can’t believe Damien is really here. That he’ll be in my home in a few seconds. In my room.

The doorbell rings.

I take a deep breath. I open the door.

“Hey,” Damien says. His eyes crinkle in that warm way when he smiles.

“Hey,” I say. I open the door wider to let him in.

“Nice place,” he says. “It’s so clean.”

“Thanks. My mom is into design. Or she tries to be designy. This place is easy to keep clean. It’s not like we have a whole house or anything.” Why am I rambling like a rambling idiot? “Was it a crazy drive?”

“Not at all.”

I want to hug him. I want to say, “I’m so happy you’re here.” Instead, I say, “Would you like something to drink?”

“Water would be great. Thanks.”

We go into the kitchen. I almost trip over a bar stool. It’s absurd how jittery I am. There’s no reason to be nervous. This is Damien. I’ve hung out with him a bunch of times. He’s always made me feel completely relaxed.

So why is my stomach fluttering with butterflies?

I remember where the glasses are. I get the water pitcher out of the refrigerator. I manage not to drop it. Damien sits at the counter on the stool I almost tripped over.

“You really do love to cook,” he says. “All these kitchen toys are awesome. Is that a Calphalon pan set? High-end, girl.”

“How do you know they’re Calphalon?”

“My mom had the same set.”

Damien never talks about his family. I want to ask more about them, but I don’t want to stress him out.

I sit across from Damien at the bar. We sip our waters.

“Nice touch.” Damien indicates the lime wedge in his water.

“I’m fancy like that. Oh, and the water is infused with lemon and strawberries. So I’m extra fancy.”

Damien looks like he’s about to say something, but he’s trying to find the right words. “How are you doing?” he asks.

“Horrible. It doesn’t feel real. Even though I knew it before today.”

“You knew?”

“Not for sure. But I had a feeling he was . . . something didn’t feel right.”

“He’s mental to get with anyone else. You can do better. Way better.”

“So I’ve been told.”

Our eyes lock. My heart pounds.

“He said we’d always be together,” I murmur. “He said I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. How could he say those things if he didn’t mean them?”

“They do that. Guys. They say one thing and do another.” Damien rubs his hands over his face. “Kill me if I ever turn into my dad.”

“What do you mean?”

Damien looks at me. “My dad made the same promises to my mom. Then he started working late. Making excuses for not being around on weekends. My mom thought everything was fine. At least, she acted like she did.” Damien rubs his finger up and down the condensation on the side of his glass. “There was this girl at my school. I really liked her. She was a senior when I was a junior. It took me months to get up the courage to ask her out. She came over a few times. My dad was always home when she was over. One night they started talking. My dad’s not that funny, but she was laughing at everything he said.”

Please tell me this is not going where I think it’s going.

“We weren’t together that long. If we were ever officially together. She told me she had feelings for someone else. Guess who?”

I shake my head.

“When I found out my dad was cheating on my mom with an eighteen-year-old girl—who I really liked—I knew I could never forgive him.”

“That’s horrible.”

“Oh, it gets worse. My mom took my dad back like nothing happened. She wanted to stay married, like nothing was wrong. Like everything was still the picture-perfect image they’d been fooling their friends with for years. I was disgusted at my dad for cheating with the girl I wanted to be my girlfriend. I was disgusted with my mom for pretending like it never happened. I couldn’t live with hypocrites. The life my parents are living is a lie. No way was I going to be a part of that. I just had to get out of there. I dropped out of school. Packed a bag and left. That was three years ago and I’ve never looked back.”

And I thought I was having a bad day. What Damien went through was so much worse. The perspective does make me feel a little better about Ethan. Of course it hurts like hell that he cheated on me. But what’s it like to have your husband cheat on you? After all those years together? Damien’s mom must have been dying inside.