Susane Colasanti - Now and Forever

“My goodness.” Gram comes around from her chair on the other side of the coffee table and sits next to me on the couch. “What is it?”

This whole time I’ve been telling Gram all about the glamorous parts of being Ethan’s girlfriend. About the gloss and shine. About designers sending me fabulous clothes. About how amazing it is to travel with Ethan on tour and watch shows from backstage. I keep the fear and anxiety hidden. Partially because I don’t want to bother Gram with the negative side. Partially because I keep hoping the negative side will disappear.

Now I see that it never will.

I tell Gram everything. The nasty fan comments about me. The ways Ethan is changing. How he isn’t supporting my goals. How he said he couldn’t guarantee that we’ll be together forever. I still want to believe him when he promises forever. But it’s getting harder every day.

It’s so hard being apart from him all the time. Much harder than I thought it would be. Even when I get to see him on the road, it’s not the same. It almost feels like what we have isn’t real anymore. Somehow our relationship has turned into a spectacle. We’re a target for haters. The subject of rumors. A pop-culture debate topic. Will they stay together? Or will Ethan Cross take advantage of his superstar status to trade his high school sweetheart in for an upgrade?

“If you’re meant to be together, it will all work out,” Gram says. “But if you’re unhappy more than you’re happy . . . that doesn’t sound like much fun, does it?”

“Relationships aren’t always fun,” I protest.

“No, they’re not. They can be downright hard sometimes.” Gram rubs my back. “You’ll get through this. Just promise me that you’ll always be true to yourself. Promise that you’ll always follow your heart.”

“I promise.” I want to follow my heart. I really do. But what if your heart is leading you back to a boy who might not be your forever? What are you supposed to do then?

[19,325,180 FOLLOWERS]

Ethan breaks this news to me on the phone: “I can’t go to the prom.”

“What?”

“I can’t go. I’m really sorry, Sterling. I know how much the prom means to you. I hate disappointing you like this.”

There’s no way I’m hearing him right. We talked about this. Zeke was going to keep that night free so Ethan could take me to our senior prom. We were supposed to have that final classic high school experience together before it’s all over.

“But Zeke said you could go. He knew about the prom before your tour started.”

“Yeah, but he kind of forgot about the prom when he booked the Oprah interview. Oprah only does a few select interviews. It was complicated to schedule.”

Well. I can’t argue with Oprah.

“You’re mad,” Ethan says. “I totally understand. I suck.”

“No, I’m not mad. I’m sad. I was really looking forward to the prom.”

“I know. But this interview is important. It’ll bring a lot of crossover exposure. Zeke’s been working on expanding my twenty-five-to-thirty-four audience.”

“I miss you,” I say desperately.

“I miss you, too. We’ll see each other next week. Then the tour will be over and I’ll come home.”

“For how long?”

“We don’t know yet. I’ll be working on the second album all summer. I might have to stay in New York for a while.”

My stomach twists. Ethan’s been talking about getting an apartment in downtown Manhattan. The thought of him in his fancy New York apartment while I’m three hundred miles away at the University of Vermont is too depressing for words.

When did my boyfriend become just a voice on the phone?

I remember when Georgia and I were talking about how she broke up with Andy back in Oregon before she moved here. She totally did the right thing. Long-distance relationships don’t work. Unless you know you’ll be together again in the near future. But if it looks like that will never happen, then what’s the point?

I want to stay with Ethan. I can’t imagine not being with him. He makes me so happy. And I know I make him happy. Finding someone you not only love, but love being with isn’t easy.

There has to be a way to make this work.

“Did you see that fan video for ‘Night on Fire’?” Ethan asks.

“No.”

“She’s actually really good. You should check it out.”

After we get off the phone, I go to Ethan’s fan page. The fan video was retitled as “Burning with Desire.” The still shot of the video shows a pretty blonde girl sitting on a couch with a guitar. I click PLAY.

The fact that this girl wants Ethan isn’t surprising. What’s surprising is how blatant she is about it.

You’re with another girl now

but things change over time.

I can’t wait for how

one day you’ll be mine.

Watching this pretty blonde girl try to seduce my boyfriend makes me want to call Ethan again. But I’ve met my allotments of Whiny and Clingy for the day. For the year, actually. I need to stop being that pathetic planet orbiting the Ethan star. I need to focus on my own stuff. Planning the cooking videos. Doing more yoga. Cleaning out my closet. Shifting into college mode.

What I need is an attitude adjustment. I can’t let the fear of losing Ethan throw me into a panic. Desperation will only make me less attractive to him. I have to calm down. Be confident. Remember how much he loves me. And hope that he remembers, too.

[19,733,025 FOLLOWERS]

Alone in my room.

On my bed.

Trying to process what Mom just told me.

Gram died.

There was an aneurysm in her brain. It ruptured early this morning in her sleep. She died instantly.

But that doesn’t make sense. Gram was fine. She recovered from her surgery. She was back to her normal routine. She felt good.

She was fine .

I hate myself for not visiting her enough. I should have visited her more. What excuse do I have? She freaking lives down the street.

Lived.

I can’t believe it’s true. I can’t believe she’s gone. The only way this will remotely sink in is to see Gram’s empty house for myself.

Normally I’d go in through the back door that opens into the kitchen. Gram would see me out the window over the sink and wave. Then I’d go right in. Gram didn’t lock the back door during the day. But there’s nothing normal about this visit. This time, the door is locked.

I let myself in with my key. The house is eerily quiet. I want to call out, “Gram?” like I normally would. I want things to be the way they used to be.

I want my gram back.

Everything looks the same. Glasses upside down in the rubber dish drying rack next to the sink. Pillows cheerfully arranged on the couch in the living room. Her desk neat and organized in the den. I sit at her desk. I watched Gram sitting here so many times before. Writing letters. Paying bills. Making to-do lists of tasks that kept repeating themselves over and over, a cycle that would never end.

Until now.

I open the top left drawer. Stationery, envelopes, and stamps used to be in here. Now there’s just some kind of legal document, a ring box, and a note.

The note has my name on it.

I take everything out. The legal document turns out to be a copy of Gram’s will. Why would she empty out this drawer and . . .

Oh my god.

She knew. She knew about the aneurysm. She knew it could rupture at any second.

Gram knew she was going to die.

My hand shakes as I open the note.

Dear Sterling,

You’ll find my wedding ring in the box. The ring is for you. I hope you’ll cherish it as I’ve cherished you these past eighteen years.