Джорджетт Хейер: False Colours

Startled, he said: “I was only funning, Mama!”

She paid no heed to this, but embraced him warmly, saying: “I might have known you would come to the rescue! How could I be such a ninnyhammer as not to have thought of it myself? Dear Kit!”

Mr Fancot, realizing too late that he had committed an error of judgement, made haste to retrieve his position. “You didn’t think of it because it’s an absurdity. I said it only to make you laugh! Of course I couldn’t take Evelyn’s place!”

“But you could , Kit! Why, you have frequently done so!”

“When we were hey-go-mad boys, kicking up larks! Mama, you must surely perceive that this is a very different matter! Setting aside all other considerations, how could I hope to fob myself off as Evelyn at such a gathering?”

“But nothing could be easier!” she responded.

“Mama, do, pray, consider! I apprehend this party is to be composed of the various members of the family. Well, I know Stavely, admittedly, but not another soul should I recognize—least of all the girl to whom I should be supposed to be betrothed!”

She disposed unhesitatingly of this objection. “You will recognize Cressy, because she will receive you, with Stavely and his new wife. As for the rest, Evelyn doesn’t know them either.”

“And Miss Stavely herself?” he demanded. “Can you believe that she wouldn’t detect the imposture?”

“Oh, I am persuaded she won’t!” responded her ladyship blithely. “Recollect that she is not closely acquainted with Evelyn! The only occasion on which they have been alone together was when he proposed to her. Then, too, she doesn’t expect to see you instead of Evelyn. That is very important!”

“Of course she doesn’t expect it! But—”

“No, no, you don’t understand what I mean, dearest! It won’t occur to anyone that you are not Evelyn, because no one knows that you’ve come home. It would be a very different matter if you resided here, when people would be accustomed to find themselves talking to the wrong twin. You can’t have forgotten how it was before you went abroad! Why, persons who had known you from your cradles were used to say, when either of you came into the room: “Now, which of them is this?” Then there was always the possibility that the one who was thought to be Evelyn would presently be found to be you, so that people naturally stared very hard at you, trying to decide which of you it was. But you have been abroad now for three years, and no one wonders any more if Evelyn is really Evelyn. He couldn’t be you, because you are in Vienna. My dear, providence must have caused you to arrive at this ridiculous hour, and without a word of warning! Not a soul has the smallest suspicion that you are not still in Vienna!”

Mr Fancot was much inclined to think that not providence but his evil genius had been at work, but he kept this reflection to himself, applying his energies instead to the task of pointing out to his parent the various reasons which made her scheme impossible. He was singularly unsuccessful. The more Lady Denville dwelled on it the more enamoured of it did she become; and when Kit told her that it was fantastic, she said enthusiastically: “Yes, isn’t it? That’s what makes it so excellent! Nobody would ever dream we should dare do anything so out of the way!”

“Not out of the way! Outrageous!”

She looked at him with misgiving, and said: “You know, Kit, I never did quite like it when you joined the diplomatic service. I had the greatest dread that you might grow to be like Henry, and I was right! Dearest, I hate pinching at you, but I couldn’t bear it if you became prim and prosy!”

“Oh, dear!” said Kit, dismayed. “Am I prim and prosy? I’d no suspicion of it!”

“No, love,” she replied, patting his hand. “Naturally you had not, which is why I feel it to be my duty to drop a word of warning in your ear, so that you may overcome the tendency. You’re not like Henry yet , but when you said outrageous , in that condemning way, you did put me in mind of him. You didn’t care a rush about doing outrageous things before he pushed you into being a diplomat, and never would you have raised all the foolish objections!”

“I was three years younger then, Mama.”

“So was Evelyn, but he hasn’t changed! In your place he wouldn’t hesitate for a moment, or think about propriety, or be afraid to take a trifling risk or two! I can’t think what has come over you, Kit!”

“The diplomatic service, and a want of dash. Alas that you should have given birth to a pudding-heart, Mama!”

“That I would never believe!” she declared.

“Thank you, love! It pains me to disillusion you, but when I think of coolly walking into Stavely’s house, and palming myself off as Evelyn, I find myself shaking like a blanc-manger!”

She laughed. “Oh, no, Kit! That’s coming it too strong! You never did so in your life. I know very well you are not afraid, but you do seem to me to be sadly cautious!” She put up her hand to his cheek, compelling him to turn his head fully towards her. “Don’t banter me, but tell me the truth, wicked one! Do you think you couldn’t do it?”

He hesitated. Then he said bluntly: “No. For one evening, amongst a set of persons who are not well enough acquainted with Evelyn to know his mannerisms, I’m pretty confident I could do it. And, in certain circumstances, I’m not yet so prim and prosy that I shouldn’t enjoy doing it!”

“There!” she said triumphantly. “I knew you couldn’t have changed so very much!”

“No, Mama, but this isn’t a matter of playing a Canterbury trick on people who would think it a very good joke if they found me out. But to cut such a sham to gain an advantage is quite another pair of shoes. And only think, Mama, what a humiliating insult I should be offering to Miss Stavely!”

“I don’t see that, Kit. For one thing, she won’t know it; and, for another, she would be much more humiliated if you didn’t take Evelyn’s place. Do but consider! Can you conceive of anything more—more annihilating than to be obliged to tell all the relations who have been invited to meet one’s betrothed that he has excused himself from attending the party? For my part, I should be grateful for the masquerade!” She caught his hand, and pressed it. “Kit, for Evelyn’s sake! He would do it for you!”

That was undeniable. Evelyn would do it, and revel in it, thought his twin, with a gleam of amusement.

“Only for one day!” urged Lady Denville.

“If we could be sure of that! What if it should prove to be very much more than one day? I couldn’t maintain such an imposture: I should be bound to run against his cronies—some, perhaps, whom I shouldn’t even recognize!”

“Oh, if Evelyn doesn’t come back in a day or two, we shall say you are unwell, or have been obliged to leave town on business! But he will, Kit! Indeed, I have a feeling that he will return tomorrow.”

“I hope to God he does!” said Kit fervently.

“Yes, but we must be provident , dearest, and be ready to meet any mischance. And, do you know, I have suddenly thought that it might be a good thing if you should be obliged to go to the party in his stead! I very much fear that old Lady Stavely has heard tales about him which have made her suspect him of being rather wild—in fact, quite ramshackle, which is untrue, of course, or, at all events, grossly exaggerated! And although he means to behave with the greatest propriety I can’t help thinking that you would deal with her much better, through being a diplomat, and knowing how to look grave and sober at formal parties, which Evelyn hasn’t the least idea of. I won’t conceal from you, Kit, that if Cressy’s aunts and uncles and cousins are a set of dead bores, which is extremely likely—only consider one’s own relations!—I have the liveliest fear that Evelyn will say something outrageous, or excuse himself far too early in the evening, which would be fatal!”