Виктория Холт - The Judas kiss

"We'll find him."

We sprang apart suddenly, for the door had opened. Tatiana was standing there.

"I heard that you were here, Baron," she said. She was in her riding habit and had clearly just come in. "You must forgive us. It was most remiss of us not to be here when you called. What are you thinking of us?"

Conrad had stepped forward, taken her hand and kissed it as a short while ago he had kissed mine.

"My dear Countess," he said, "I beg of you do not ask my pardon. It is I who should ask yours for calling at such an inopportune time."

"The schloss is always at your disposal," she said. She was flushed and looking rather pretty. "It is unforgivable that there should be no one here to receive you."

"Fraulein Ayres has been doing the honours of the household." He turned to smile at me and I wondered whether Tatiana would notice the somewhat mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

"It was good of you, Fraulein," said Tatiana. "I dare say you have a great deal to do."

I knew what she meant. Dismissal. I bowed and went to the door.

"I sought the opportunity to improve my English," said Conrad.

"It is always so useful," murmured Tatiana.

As I went out I caught a glimpse of Conrad smiling at her.

I felt angry—ridiculously so. I seemed to forget that I was, after all, only the English governess.

I went up to my room. My euphoria of the last days had evaporated. The enquiries had come to nothing and Tatiana had made me realize how invidious was my position here.

It must have been an hour later when I saw him leave. I looked out of my window. Tatiana was with him. They walked together to the stables and seemed to be engaged in very amusing conversation.

I did not have an opportunity of seeing him again before he left for his week's trip. There was obviously no news or he would have found a way of telling me.

There was, however, a letter delivered to me on the day of his departure. It was the usual tender note, telling me that he was longing to be back with me and when he did return I must be with him. The Marmorsaal was waiting and there must be no further delay. He was having enquiries pursued in what he called Our Little Matter, and if anything came to light he would let me know at once.

A day passed and then another. Freya was absentminded. She was extremely lively at one moment and the next seemed to be plunged in perplexity. I wondered how I could ever tell her about myself and Conrad. The more I tried to reason with myself, the more despicable my situation seemed. How could I say, "I am in love with your future husband. We are already lovers and plan to continue so, even after your marriage."

I should never have believed that I could have fallen into such a situation. I wished that there were someone in whom I could confide. I had been to see Daisy now and then and I was always made welcome and enjoyed playing with little Hans.

The day after Conrad left I did confide in her to a certain extent, because I felt that Daisy was the sort of person who had a natural gift for picking up information and for fitting it together to make the picture complete. She liked to hear snippets of gossip about the reigning family and although she was not on the spot, she did know what the people in the streets were saying, and it seemed a fact that all sorts of information seeped out to them and that they sometimes had a clearer picture than those of us who lived more closely to events.

So I found comfort in talking to Daisy. I had not told her about the recovery of the sheet from the register. I felt it was too dangerous to tell even her, but I did mention that I had met Katia, who looked after Francine's grave.

"That was a tragedy what turned out to have a happy ending," commented Daisy. "Poor girl ... raped in the woods ... and then blamed by that old father of hers. Really, some of these men want teaching a lesson or two."

"Did you know her, Daisy?"

"I've seen her once or twice at Gisela's. But people did hear about her."

"One would have thought she might have lost the child after such an experience."

"Well, the child saved her sanity, they say. When she got him, she changed. It was like it was all worthwhile ... to get him. She's been a devoted mother ever since."

Hans showed me his toys, among them a troll similar to the one I had seen with Rudi.

I asked him about it.

"My trolly," he said.

"Do you take him to bed with you every night?" I asked.

He shook his head. He was a bad troll, he told me. He had to sleep by himself in a dark cupboard. He took his dog to bed ... if he was good.

Daisy surveyed him with wonder. Her little Hansie! She could understand how Katia felt about her Rudi.

"Little 'uns," she said, "I dunno. They plague you a bit, mind you. Into everything, that's our Hansie. But we wouldn't be without him for the world. Hans says so too. Well, after all, Hansie was the reason he made an honest woman of me. Talking of weddings, I reckon before the year's out we'll be having the wedding of the year. Things'll change for you then, Miss Pip."

"Yes, they will. I shall have to have made my decision by then."

"That's a fact you will. I hope you don't leave us. We've got used to having you around. I like to think of you up at the slosh. Hans says they think such a lot of you there. Well, Miss Freya does. I reckon she'll stay with the Graf and the Grafin until the wedding. It don't seem right she should be under the same roof with her husband to be—even such a roof. Goodness knows there's enough of it! I wonder when that marriage will take place. There's talk, you know. They say Sigmund's got his eyes on someone else."

I felt myself flushing and I looked down and picked up one of Hansie's toys. "Oh ... ?" I said faintly.

"Well, Freya's not much more than a child, is she? What can you expect?"

"Did you ... say ... there was talk in the town?"

"Oh yes. Quite a bit of it. Well, he sees a lot of her and human nature being what it is—"

"Tell me what they are saying, Daisy?"

"Well, it's the Countess Tatiana. It seems he sees a good deal of her. People have seen them together. Very friendly. If it wasn't for this contract he's got with Countess Freya ... You see what I mean."

"Yes," I said quietly. "I do."

"Whether there's anything in it is another matter. I reckon the wedding will go through all right. It has to. Politics and all that. We don't want no trouble about a thing like that. Sigmund would be the first to see it. I reckon whatever he feels about Tatiana, it will be Freya he marries. You seem very absorbed in that rabbit of Hansie's."

"It's pretty," I said.

"I think it's an ugly little beast. No accounting for tastes, as the saying goes. Hansie likes it, though."

I took my leave soon after that. I felt bewildered and deeply disturbed.

When I returned to the schloss Freya was not there. It occurred to me that during the last few days I had been so concerned with my own affairs that I had thought very little of her. Fraulein Kratz, however, felt the same. I told her that we must remember that Freya was now growing away from the schoolroom and we must expect her to evade her lessons now and then.

"It is certainly since the Baron returned and we moved to this schloss that she has changed."

"It is all very natural," I insisted.

My conscience worried me. Perhaps I should attempt to talk to Freya. Sometimes I wondered how much she knew concerning the gossip about Tatiana.

I saw her in the early morning, when she greeted me somewhat absent mindedly.

I said to her: "Freya, is anything troubling you?"

"Troubling me?" she asked sharply. "What could be troubling me?"

"I just wondered. You seemed a little ..."

"A little what?" She spoke sharply again.