Gabrielle Zevin - In the Age of Love and Chocolate

“What did he do when you tried to kiss him?”

“He pushed me away, and said he didn’t think of me like that. And I said I was seventeen, and that was hardly a child. And he said in fact it was. And I said you met Anya when you were sixteen. And he said that was different because he’d been young then, too. And then he said that he loved me like a friend and like a brother and that he would always be there for me. But then I pushed him away. I told him I didn’t want to be loved that way. I can’t even stand to look at him anymore.”

She sobbed with her entire body—her shoulders, her stomach, her mouth, and all her other parts were aligned in a unified display of misery.

“Oh Natty, please don’t cry.”

“Why shouldn’t I? I told him what you said at the beginning of the summer. I told him that you said that you would never get back together with him, but I think maybe he still has hope. Maybe if he knew there wasn’t any hope, he could love me instead. We’re not so different.”

“My darling Natty, would you honestly want some boy to love you because he thought you were like me?”

“I don’t care why. I wouldn’t even care! That’s how much I love him.”

“I don’t think Win thinks that we’re getting back together. But do you want me to try to talk to him?” I wanted her happiness more than my own.

“Would you?” Those eyes were wet and hopeful.

“I will make sure he understands,” I said. “And before summer is over, too.”

After dinner, I asked Win if he would go on a walk with me.

We wandered into the orchard, where the last peaches of summer were dropping from the trees. Win found one still on the branch and picked it. His torso was long and lean as he extended his arm to reach it. He offered me the peach, but I declined.

“I want to talk to you about something,” I said.

“What is it?” He took a bite of the peach.

“My sister,” I said.

“Yes, I thought that subject might come up.”

“She has the idea that if you knew that I didn’t think we were ever getting back together that you might be more open to … I’m sorry, this is awkward.”

“Perhaps I can help. She thinks that the reason I don’t want to start a relationship with her is because I still have feelings for you. And to answer your query, she’s wrong. I think she’s smart and adorable and everything a girl should be, but even if there were no Anya, Natty would not be for me. Are you sure you don’t want a peach? They’re very sweet this time of year.”

“Then why have you spent so much time with her? You can understand why she might have gotten the wrong idea.”

“Because you asked me to. Or have you forgotten that you did? Three years ago, you dispatched me to Sacred Heart.”

“Win.”

“I did it because it was something I could do for you. You so rarely, even when we were dating, asked me for help. Even though our relationship had ended badly, I was happy to do something for you.”

“Why are you so good?”

“Because I have nice parents, who loved me as best they could. That’s probably why.”

“Even your dad.”

“Yes, even my father. He wants to do big things, like you, and that isn’t easy. He did his best. I’m older now, and I see that. He was adamant that I come stay here for the summer, by the way.”

“What do you mean?”

“He said that you had been very injured and that you and your sister would be staying at the house. He said that he had grown very fond of you and wanted you to spend your summer among young people and friends. I, in his estimation, was both.”

“He told me with absolute authority that you wouldn’t be here. Do you know that?”

“That’s Dad.

“I almost wish I could love your sister,” Win said. “She looks like you, except she’s taller and her hair is straighter. She’s less moody than you, and pretty good company, too. But even if she weren’t seventeen years old, I couldn’t. She is not you.

“But back to what you should tell Natty,” he said. “You may tell her that I feel bad if she misunderstood what my feelings were for her. I understand how she may have been misled. Though I never thought of her as anything but a friend, I loved her in her sister’s place for three years. I was eager to see her above anyone else because I wanted to hear all her sister’s news.

“You may tell her that I was already aware, even before I got on the train to Niskayuna, that there was very little chance of her sister and me getting back together. I know that her sister is too stubborn and probably won’t ever forgive me for not supporting her when the club was opening. I know her sister sees impediments that don’t exist, like the fact that she has been through some physical traumas. I wish her sister knew how much I admired her, how much I regret not standing by her, how much I could love her still if someday, when she is feeling herself again, she might let me. You may tell her that when it comes to her sister, I have not much in the way of self-preservation instincts or dignity. She could marry ten other men, and it wouldn’t matter.”

“You shouldn’t wait for me, Win. I can’t right now. I wish I could, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

I did not expect him to smile at me, but that is what he did. He smiled at me and he wiped a tear from my cheek. “I thought you might say that. So here’s the deal and it’s a very simple one. I will love you forever. And in return, you can decide if you want to do anything with that love at some point down the road. But know there is no other girl for me but you. Not your sister. Or anyone else. My lot is to be the boy who loves Anya Balanchine. I made the wrong choice once upon a time and I think I’ve paid for it.” He took my chin in his hand. “And the good thing about my not being your boyfriend or your husband is that you don’t get to tell me what to do,” he said. “So I will wait, because I would rather wait for you than waste my time with someone who isn’t you. And I will focus on the long game. As they say in baseball, losing game one and even game two is no reason to give up on the whole series. When you’re ready, if you’re ever ready, give me the word.”

I looked at the peaches dying on the orchard ground. I watched the sun as it set. I saw the river streaming past. I heard him breathing, softly, and felt my own heart beating, beating. The world became still, and I tried to picture myself in the future. In the future, I was strong and I could run again and I was alone. “What’s the word?” I said softly. “In case I am ever ready. You know I’m not good with these things. What do I say?”

“I’ll make it easy for you, then. All you have to do is tell me to walk you home.”

As the planning for his mayoral campaign had kept him in the city, Mr. Delacroix had been around only intermittently that summer. He came back the day before Natty and I were to leave to help Win’s mother close up the house. I had gone to pick a bag of apples to bring back to the city, and I was taking them into the house when I saw him crossing the lawn toward me.

“You’re looking awfully robust,” he said. “I am feeling pleased with myself for having sent you here.”

“You are always pleased with yourself,” I said.

We went to sit on the deck. He took out the chess set and arranged it on the table.

“Win is gone, I see,” he said.

“Yes.”

“My plan was a complete failure, then?”

I didn’t reply.

“Well, I cannot be blamed. I’ve never tried to play matchmaker before.”

“What a strange man you are. You break something up only to try to put it back together years later.”