Zena Wynn: Reclaiming Angelica

A sound woke him. The door? Did someone leave?

Raul listened harder. A sob. Someone was crying.

He wasn’t supposed to get out of bed once Momma tucked him in, but who was crying? It didn’t sound like Momma.

Poppa?

He raised his hands and knuckled his eyes clear of the sleepiness. Grabbing his stuffed puppy—Momma said they couldn’t have a real dog, not in the apartment, and bought him Ruffy instead—he climbed out of bed and stepped lightly to the door. Maybe if he was really quiet, Momma wouldn’t catch him, and he could find out who was crying and hop back into bed before she noticed he’d gotten up.

Poppa told Momma to leave his door cracked so the light from the hall could shine inside because Raul didn’t like the dark. He was too old to be scared of the dark. Only babies were afraid of the dark, and he was a big boy. Momma said so because he was starting school next year.

Raul peeped through the door, but couldn’t see anything. It sounded like the noise was coming from the living room.

He eased down the carpeted hallway to the living room, his bare feet making no sound, dragging Ruffy by his tattered ears. Poppa knelt on the floor, his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking like they did when he laughed. This didn’t sound like laughter to him.

Raul glanced around but didn’t see Momma anywhere. Cautiously, he eased forward and laid a tentative hand on his poppa’s big shoulder. “Poppa?”

Poppa didn’t hear him.

Warily, he glanced around again. Where’s Momma? It wasn’t like Poppa to be alone.

Momma was always here, especially at night. She laughed and said Poppa didn’t like her going out after dark because he was scared something bad would happen to her. Raul didn’t think Poppa was scared of anything. He was so strong and so big, but Momma said there were different types of scared. That this scared was okay because it meant Poppa loved her and didn’t want anything bad happening to her.

Feeling a little scared, Raul patted Poppa’s shoulder, a bit insistently this time. “Poppa, where’s Momma?”

His father jerked and turned swiftly, startling Raul so bad he dropped Ruffy and staggered back before falling hard onto his bottom.

“Raul,” his Poppa said, not sounding like Poppa at all. His voice was jagged, his face wet with tears, and his skin red and blotchy.

Poppa reached out and grabbed him, pulling him into a hug. Poppa held him so tight it was hard to breathe. Not knowing what else to do, Raul patted Poppa on the head, the way Poppa sometimes did to him when he fell and hurt himself and cried.

Raul still wanted to know where Momma was, but Poppa’s big shoulders were shaking again, and the side of his neck where Poppa’s face was buried was wet.

After a long time, when it was all Raul could do not to wiggle his way free, Poppa’s shoulders finally stopped shaking. When Poppa finally lifted his head, he looked so sad, so unPoppa-like, that Raul’s chest hurt. “Poppa, where’s Momma?”

“She left.”

Raul’s forehead wrinkled. “She went to the store? But Momma said you don’t like for her to go out at night.”

A single tear leaked out of Poppa’s eye, trailed down his cheek to splash on Raul’s hand. “She’s not at the store, son. She’s gone.”

“Where did she go?” Raul asked curiously.

Poppa squeezed his eyes shut and breathed out so deeply his breath felt like a soft wind in Raul’s face.

Raul laid his hand on his Poppa’s bristly cheek. “Don’t be sad, Poppa. Momma will be home soon. Nothing bad happened to her.”

“Oh God! Oh God!” His Poppa hugged him tight again, rocking with him so that his feet left the carpet. Slowly Poppa lowered him to the floor and cupped both of Raul’s cheeks with his huge hands. “Raul, listen to me, son. Momma’s not coming back.”

Raul tried to understand. “Did Grammaw Pauline get sick again?”

Once when he was little, Momma went to stay with her momma because she was sick and didn’t have anyone to take care of her. Momma wouldn’t let Raul go with her because she said Grammaw Pauline needed lots and lots of attention. Raul was sad, but then Poppa took him to see his uncles, and he had lots of fun, running in the woods and playing with the dogs. That was the first time Raul had met Poppa’s brothers.

“No, son.” His Poppa swallowed hard, like he had something in his throat. “Your grandma’s not sick. Remember our secret?”

Raul thought. “The one when you became a big doggie?” he asked with wide eyes.

“Yes, that one. Momma found out and…” His Poppa’s voice made a squeaky sound, and he stopped, blinked a few times before continuing, “And—”

“Was she excited like me?” Raul interrupted. He’d been crying because Momma said he couldn’t have a dog, and he really, really, really wanted a puppy. They were so cute and fluffy, and they liked to lick your face. His friend Bobby had a puppy, and Raul wanted one too. Poppa had caught him crying and had shown him this really neat trick he could do, but he made him promise not to tell anyone , not even Momma. Which was really, really hard, but Poppa said it was important and that he was counting on him. That Momma wouldn’t love him anymore if she knew.

“No, son. She wasn’t excited. She was angry. Very, very angry. So angry she left us, and she’s not coming back.”

“But…” Raul didn’t understand. Mommas weren’t supposed to leave.

“She said she didn’t love me, didn’t love us anymore, because of our secret,” Poppa said.

“Not love us? Mommas always love their sons, and you, Poppa. No matter what. She said so,” Raul argued.

Poppa dropped his hands from Raul’s cheeks and closed his eyes again. “Dear God, how do I make him understand? He’s so young.” Poppa opened his eyes and laid a hand on Raul’s shoulder. “We’re special, Raul, you and I.”

“How Poppa?”

“You know how I can turn into a wolf?” his Poppa asked.

“The big doggie?” he asked, not sure what a wolf was.

His Poppa nodded. “My brothers, your uncles can too. And one day, when you’re older, you’ll be able to do it too.”

“ Really ?” Raul was awed, all thoughts of Momma temporarily forgotten.

“Yes. But Raul, some people, people like Momma, don’t like people who are special. They’re scared of them, of us, because we can do things they can’t,” his Poppa tried to explain.

Raul scrunched his face. “Momma’s not scared, Poppa.” Then his face brightened, and he smiled. “Maybe when Momma’s not mad anymore, she’ll come home.”

Poppa sometimes left when he got really angry. Momma always said Poppa was “cooling off.” Raul wasn’t sure what being hot had to do with anything, but maybe this time Momma was the one “cooling off.”

“Maybe, son.” Poppa didn’t sound like he believed it, but he’d see.

But Momma never did. Raul waited a long, long time. School started, and there was Halloween where he ate so much candy he got sick, and Thanksgiving where Poppa cooked a big turkey and his uncles came to visit.

When Christmas came, Poppa took Raul to his uncles’ home in the woods. Raul loved visiting his uncles, even though they didn’t look much like Poppa. His friend Bobby had a brother that was bigger than him, and they looked a lot a like.

Raul had asked Poppa how come. Poppa explained that his uncles were pack, not blood brothers like Bobby and his brother, but they loved each other like family and took care of each other. Poppa said he was the oldest, and biggest, but Uncle Max was big too, like the football players Poppa watched on TV. Uncle Max’s skin was dark, and he looked mean, but he made Raul laugh. Uncle Dillion had yellow hair and was really, really tall. Raul liked sitting up on his shoulders. It made him feel he was on top of the world. Uncle Joey, the youngest, was his favorite. His hair was black like Poppa’s, but his eyes were gray, not brown, and he could play a really long time.