Lux Zakari - Secretly More

“It sounds like you’re what’s high. Are you being serious?”

“Listen. Dane is who he is.”

“And you hate who he is.”

“No, I just haven’t learned to accept him as he is.” She chucked her stick aside. “I wanted him to fit the ideal boyfriend mold I have in my head, but maybe that’s not realistic.”

“What does the ideal boyfriend do, call you? Take you out? Want to spend time with you? Find a way to make things better when he fucks it up? Make you feel like you matter?”

She shrugged, feeling as weak as her collapsing argument. “Well, yeah, of course.”

“And you didn’t get any of that from Dane at all. Do you realize that even the dumbest fucking people in the world know how to show the ones they care about that they, in fact, care? It isn’t hard and it isn’t an inconvenience. I can’t even believe this is up for debate.”

“Neither can I.” Tears pricked Kimber’s eyes as she thought of all the hurt she’d endured, thinking it would somehow be worth it in the end. It hadn’t been, and it also could’ve been easily avoided-she didn’t know which was more disappointing. She gave a watery sigh. “You know what’s so fucking sad to me? After all Dane and I have been through, he’s just going to turn into a story of mine, never anything more.”

Jay heaved a giant breath of his own. “You don’t have to look at it that way. You’re just choosing to make yourself sad now.”

“Because the whole thing is sad.” Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Maybe it is, but I don’t want you to be sad, too. You need to get pissed. Like, really pissed. Think of all the times he screwed you over. I’ll help you.” He held up a finger. “First, remember last year? He threw that party without inviting you and you later found out they’d all been playing Spin the Bottle. Then he made you feel like you had no reason to be pissed because they were all friends, just trading little pecks. Hate to break to you, but that’s not normal. Someone who really loved you would never have done that, let alone played.”

“Mmm-hmm.” A new wave of anger regarding an old crime washed over Kimber.

“I also recall he got mad at you when you wouldn’t come over to his place at three in the morning after a bad gig and an even worse after party, so he burned himself with a cigarette so he’d always be reminded of the time you betrayed him.”

Kimber gritted her teeth, too furious to refute what she knew was true.

“Then there was the time he got drunk and threw a plate of instant rice through his last neighbor’s upstairs window.”

“That was a dark time for him. He was depressed after getting kicked out of school.”

“Which brings me to that whole fiasco. Remember how hard he tried to appeal to the dean’s decision?”

“No. He barely tried at all.” Confused, Kimber glanced at Jay, who slanted her a look.

“Exactly my point. And what was the alternative to trying? Being unemployed and living with his parents for an entire year. Now he finally has a job, and what is it? Working at a car wash, doing Jesus Christ knows what, considering machines do all the work.” Jay shook his head. “I could list a thousand more reasons, but I’ll skip to the most recent one. Namely, you broke up with him, and he’s done nothing to convince you not to or win you back. If he wanted to call, he would’ve called. If he wanted to move in with you, he would’ve. If he wanted to be with you, he would be, or he’d at least make the effort to be with you, even if you were getting hitched to another guy on some Hawaiian mountaintop. He’d crash the wedding and threaten to fling himself off the cliff if you didn’t choose him instead. He’d do anything he possibly could, and then some.”

“I told him not to call me back,” she said, knowing her excuse was as weak as her voice.

“Trust me, that wouldn’t stop anyone who really didn’t want to let someone go.”

Kimber worried her bottom lip with her teeth for a moment before heaving a sigh of resignation. “Jesus. You’re so right. What have I been thinking?” She stopped walking and pressed her fingertips to her temples. “How could I have forgiven all that? How could I have let any of that slide?”

“Don’t do that.” Jay stopped in front of her and grabbed her shoulders, stooping slightly so they were eye level. “You feeling shitty about your decisions wasn’t the point of that exercise. The point was for you to recognize how much better off you are without him. Kim, think about it-you will never, ever have to deal with any of that again. The worst is over, and you lived through it and dealt with it. You should be proud of yourself.”

Kimber dropped her hands to her sides and stared at Jay and the determined look in his eyes. “Yeah. That’s true.” She growled and slapped a palm to her forehead. “I can’t believe I’m even talking about this. It’s nonsense.”

“I agree. You’re too hot to have these problems.”

She laughed and gave his shoulder a push. “And yet I do. Why’s it so hard to find a guy?”

“It’s easy to find a guy. We do make up about half the world’s population, you know.”

“I mean, a cool guy. A soul mate or whatever.”

“Soul mates. Pff. Soul mates are for the Dr. Phil, eHarmony-type. At this point in the game, all you can do is try to find someone you can stand to be around, and someone who can stand to be around you. If you got that, I think you’re pretty lucky.”

“That seems too simple, too callous. I want to think there’s something more magical than that. I want a Moan.”

“What the hell is a Moan?”

“It’s a term I made up for a person of your preferred gender who embodies absolute romantic ecstasy for you, enough to make you moan with pleasure. He or she is so moanlicious that he or she is powerful enough to give you a physical, emotional, and spiritual orgasm.”

“A spiritual orgasm? What’s that? I want one.”

“Join the club.”

“So is Dane your Moan?”

“No, I guess not. And you finally helped me see that.” She sighed, feeling a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. “I’m so glad you’re on my side.”

“Always. Now come here, you.” He wrapped his arms around her and she sank into his embrace, squeezing his waist with all her might until he gasped. “Easy now. You’re supposed to be giving me a hug, not cracking my rib.”

“Sorry.” Kimber giggled as she loosened her grip. She rested her face against his chest and relaxed, feeling comforted and safe. What had she done before Jay came along? What would she ever do without him? It was an unfathomable question; Jay had been one of the only constants in her life, and for that she was grateful. “You know, you always give the best hugs, and I like how you don’t let go until I do. I guess the tutorial I gave you in high school really left its impression on you.”

“I didn’t just remember the lesson. It’s that I never really want to let go.”

Kimber’s brain numbed at his words, which she couldn’t be sure she truly understood.

“You know,” he continued, his voice low, “I’m really trying to resist the urge to kiss you right now.”

She laughed, trying to break the unusual, awkward atmosphere falling over what she’d thought was a friendly embrace. “Right. Because I’m so irresistible today, crying all over you.”

“I want you all over me.”

Too stunned to reply, Kimber froze as Jay lowered his head and kissed her softly but firmly. He caught her upper lip between his and gave it a gentle tug, warmth creeping through her despite the warning bells in her head. She closed her eyes as he kissed her again, this time with a little more urgency, a little more need. That small escalation shocked Kimber back into her senses and she turned her head, giving him her cheek. “Jay, no. We can’t.”