Susan Pfeffer - This World We Live In

So I’d tell him. I’d hand him his walking papers.

Nothing lasts except fear, hunger, and darkness. Five weeks ago I wouldn’t have been able to imagine what I would feel loving, truly loving, a boy. I’d had feelings. I’d had fantasies. But nothing like what I’ve felt for the past five weeks. It would have been like picturing a color you’ve never seen.

Five weeks. Maybe I’ll live five more years, or five more weeks, or only five more days. But I’ve been given the gift of those five weeks, and I shouldn’t be greedy for more.

Once I accepted that, it was a matter of waiting until morning. I’m pretty sure I fell back asleep, but the dreams were gone.

I walked over to Dad’s after breakfast. Alex and Julie were in the parlor praying. I thought, I have the answer to their prayers, but of course I don’t know what their prayers are.

When they finished, I let them know I was there. “I need to talk to you,” I said to Alex, but there was still a part of me that thought I didn’t have to tell him.

He waited for me.

“Outside,” I said. “Let’s go for a walk.”

I didn’t give Alex a chance to ask any questions. If I hesitated, I might not have gone through with it. We weren’t ten feet from the house before I handed him the sheets of paper. “Syl says there’s a safe town there,” I said. “At Sexton University.”

Alex stared at the pages. “Has she seen it?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “She heard about it from someone who was there when they turned it into one. She didn’t know where it was and I lied about why I asked. I went to town, to the library. This is what I found.”

Alex read the write-up of Sexton. Then he reached over and kissed me. “We’ll go tomorrow,” he said.

“It’s Saturday,” I said. “Wait until Tuesday.”

“I hate waiting,” he said. “If we wait much longer, Julie won’t make it.”

“It’s just a cough,” I said.

“There’s no such thing as just a cough,” he said.

I held him and we kissed again.

“You’ll come with us,” he said. There was no question in his voice, just the assurance that I would.

“Alex, I don’t know,” I said.

“No,” he said. “You have to. Now that it’s real, that Julie has a place to go, I can make plans for us.”

“I’m not a Catholic,” I said. “I can’t convert for you.”

“I’m not asking you to,” he said. “I don’t love you for what you believe. I love you in spite of what you believe.”

“I believe in family,” I said. “And so do you.”

He nodded. “I thought the passes were the only thing I had of value. But you’re what I value. I’ll give Lisa two of the passes, for her and Gabriel. Julie can live with them in the safe town. Hal and you and I will live outside of town. Charlie, too, if he wants. They’re bound to need workers, people to farm and clean and keep the town running. Miranda, we can do it.”

I thought about it as much as I could think with Alex’s body so close to mine. I knew the journey would be hard, but it would be harder a month from now, a year from now, whenever the food ran out and we’d have to leave here. And I wouldn’t have Alex.

If I left now, Mom would still have Jon and Matt and Syl. She couldn’t object if I went with Dad. Even if she did object, she couldn’t stop me.

“Yes,” I said. “Oh, Alex, yes.”

It was one thing to tell Alex that I would go with him. It was a whole other thing to tell Mom.

I knew I had to. I couldn’t vanish. I’d asked Alex to hold off telling Dad and Lisa until today, but once they knew, they’d come over to talk about plans.

It would be even worse if Julie told Jon and Jon told Mom before I had.

But it was Sunday, and Mom politely declined when Syl asked if she wanted to join them for their prayer service. I declined just as politely. Mom and I stood at the door and watched as Syl and Matt and Jon walked over to Dad’s. I was alone now with Mom. I had no choice.

“There’s something I have to tell you,” I said.

I could see Mom calculate how bad it was going to be. But she didn’t say anything, just gestured for me to sit by her side.

“Alex has some papers,” I said. “Three passes into a safe town.”

“What’s a safe town?” Mom asked.

“They’re towns that still work,” I said. “The government set them up. They have electricity, I guess. Hospitals, schools. They’re for important people to live in. People with connections.”

“How did Alex get the passes?” she asked. “Does his family have connections?”

“What difference does it make?” I said. “He has them.”

“It makes a lot of difference,” Mom said. “Because the next thing you’re going to tell me is you’re going off with him and Julie and the three of you will be fine and happy and I shouldn’t worry because you’ll be in a safe town, whatever that is. But if Alex stole the passes or worse, then I want to know.”

“I don’t know how he got them,” I said. “But I know Alex. He would never have stolen them.”

“All right,” Mom said. “Somehow these passes fell into his lap. It’s a miracle. Why hasn’t he taken Julie there already? What was all the business about the convent if there’s this lovely safe town waiting for them?”

“He didn’t know where one was,” I said. “They keep them hidden. I found out for him.”

“And how did you find out?” Mom asked.

“That doesn’t matter,” I said. “I found out. I told him. He and Julie and I will be leaving day after tomorrow. We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. Mom, he’s giving up everything for me.”

“You’re the one who’s giving everything up,” Mom said. “You’re giving up your home, your family.”

“No,” I said. “That’s what you don’t understand, Mom. Alex is giving two of the passes to Lisa, for her and Gabriel. He’ll let Julie live with them, and he and Dad and I will live together nearby. That’s what he’s giving up, Mom. Those passes are worth a lot. Alex could trade them for whatever he wants. But what he wants is me.”

“And where is this paradise on Earth?” Mom asked. “Where you’ll live just outside someplace with hospitals and schools.”

“Tennessee,” I said. “Sexton University, in McKinley, Tennessee. Alex says we’re sure to get work there. You can’t stop me, Mom, any more than you could stop Matt from falling in love. I’m going. I’ll be with Dad. I’ll be all right.”

“You’re not doing this to be with your father,” Mom said. “At least be honest about that.”

“I’m more honest than you ever were,” I said. “When you kept me from going with Dad last summer.”

“I had to make that decision for you,” Mom said. “You weren’t old enough to decide for yourself.”

“I’m old enough now,” I said. “And I’ve decided.”

“Does your father know?” Mom asked.

“Alex is telling him today,” I said.

“Well, he’ll be happy,” Mom said. “A safe place for Lisa and the baby. Will Charlie go with you?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I hope so.”

“I hope so, too,” Mom said. “Because you’re going to need all the help you can get, Miranda, when this blows up. You think you’re grown up but you’re not. You have no idea what love is. What you feel for Alex, it’s pity and desire, not love. Not the kind of love two people build a life on.”

“Maybe that’s what love is now,” I said. “Pity. Desire. Maybe I’m one of the lucky ones because I still have feelings. I don’t know. I just know I can’t bear the thought of losing Alex. This is my chance, maybe my only chance, to love somebody. I can’t worry about what we’ll build a life on. We have today. If we’re lucky, we’ll have tomorrow.”