Susan Pfeffer - This World We Live In

I felt like an idiot. It took me until then to realize why Alex was so determined to separate Jon and Julie. Jon’s almost fifteen; Julie’s almost fourteen. They’re not just talking about baseball.

But when we walked into the parlor, they weren’t talking about anything. Jon and Julie were reading textbooks, and Dad was looking straight at them.

I haven’t seen Jon since I got home. I didn’t know what to say to him. All I knew was I couldn’t cry and I couldn’t tell him how angry I was at Syl.

“Hi, Julie,” I said after I gave Dad a hello kiss. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” she said. “I think I had a cold, but I’ve been okay since we got back.”

“She’s been coughing a little,” Dad said. “But she’s feeling better.”

“Good,” I said. “Hi, Jon.”

Jon looked up at me. “I’m not going home,” he said. “I don’t care what you say.”

“I haven’t said anything,” I pointed out.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “I’m not going home. Not while she’s there.”

“Her name is Syl,” Dad said. “And you’re going to have to forgive her sometime.”

“I’m never going to forgive her,” Jon said. “You can’t make me.”

“Syl let Horton die,” Julie said, like this was going to be news to me. “Jon hates her for that.”

“Julie, shut up,” Alex said. “This isn’t our business.”

“Don’t talk to her that way!” Jon screamed.

“Jon,” Dad said. Gabriel howled in the background.

“No!” Jon yelled. “I hate all of you. Julie and I are going away. We’re going to a safe town. We’ll never see any of you again.”

“You’re not going anywhere, Jon,” Dad said. “You’re too young to travel on your own, and Alex won’t let Julie go. There’s no safe town in your future. You need connections to get passes. You can’t buy them like movie tickets.”

“We won’t have to buy them,” Jon said. “Alex has some. Julie told me. He’s not using them, so we will.”

I had no idea what Jon was talking about, but it was obvious Alex did. “You told him?” he said to Julie, sounding like he couldn’t possibly believe she had. But then he must have believed it because he started shouting at her in Spanish, and she yelled right back.

“Stop it!” Dad said. “All of you. Right now!”

It was like a game of frozen statues. None of us moved.

I’ve never seen Dad so angry. “You have passes for a safe town?” he asked Alex. “What are you planning to trade them for? A truck ride to Ohio while your sister coughs to death?”

Alex looked like Dad had punched him. Then he raced out of the room, out of the house. Julie jumped up and ran after him.

“Go home, Jon,” Dad said. “Go home with Miranda.”

“I won’t,” Jon said.

“Stop acting like a child,” Dad said. “I won’t have it anymore.”

“Please,” I said to Jon. “I need you. I hate it there without you.”

There was a moment when I didn’t know what he would do. Jon’s been so strong the past year. He’s grown up so much. But there’s a part of him that’s still a kid.

Jon nodded. He didn’t say anything more, but when we went outside, he ran to Julie. She took his hand, and after a moment’s hesitation they started toward our house.

Alex watched as they walked away. He didn’t move as I approached him.

“What’s all this about?” I asked. “You have passes to a safe town? Does that mean you and Julie could be living in one?”

“It doesn’t concern you,” he said.

“If it concerns you, it concerns me,” I said. “Honestly, Alex. What do I have to do to prove that to you?”

“I’m sorry,” he said. He reached out and held me tightly. When our lips met, I felt like I knew everything about him. But of course there’s so much I don’t know.

“The safe town,” I said, breaking away from him. “The passes.”

“I have three passes,” Alex said. “They’re for family members—wives, husbands, young children. I’m past the cutoff age.”

“But Julie isn’t,” I said. “Did Carlos know about the passes? When he decided she should go to the convent?”

“I told him everything,” Alex replied. “I hoped he’d know where a safe town was. They keep them guarded. Carlos tried to find out where one was but he couldn’t, so he told me to take Julie to the convent instead. Julie didn’t want to go and I took her side. But Carlos insisted. Julie had to be someplace where she’d be protected, someplace where he and I could find her.”

“You still have the passes?” I asked. “You held on to them all this time?”

“I kept them in reserve,” he said. “I would have bartered them for Julie if I’d had to. Then I thought I’d give them to the sisters, as payment for taking Julie. That way it wouldn’t be charity.”

“Julie’s lucky to have you,” I said.

“No one is lucky to have me,” he said. “Haven’t you figured that out yet?”

“I am,” I said. “I’m lucky.”

“Miranda,” he said, but I hushed him with a kiss.

Dad and Matt went into town today for our food. As far as I know, this is the first they’ve talked since before the trip to the convent.

After they left, Alex came over. “I was wondering if you wanted to go house hunting,” he asked me.

We got on the bikes and began riding. I led us in a new direction, and we prowled through a couple of houses, not finding much but not expecting to, either. We worked in silence, staying in the same rooms, but never touching.

“Miranda, I’ve been thinking,” Alex said at last.

“You think too much,” I said.

He grabbed me. Or maybe I grabbed him. It’s a little hazy. All I know is we were in each other’s arms, sharing a long, hard, hungry kiss.

“No,” he said, inching away. “This isn’t right.”

“You’re thinking again,” I said, pulling him back for another kiss. He wanted me as much as I wanted him.

“Come with us,” he said. “Julie and me. We’ll be a family.”

“What about the monastery?” I asked.

“That was a dream,” he said. “Like the safe town. Like the convent. But you’re real, Miranda. You and Julie and the world we’ve been handed. We can make it work. I know we can.”

“That’s what I want, too,” I said.

Alex hugged me. “You won’t regret it,” he said. “We’ll find a priest in Pittsburgh and get married there. I’ll get housing for you and Julie while I work in the coal mines. You won’t go hungry. I swear you won’t.”

“Married?” I said. “By a priest? Couldn’t we just exchange vows right now?”

“No,” Alex said. “We can’t keep on like this. It’s a sin. Either we get married in the eyes of God and the Church or we stop now.”

I reached out to him and grasped his hand. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I can’t say yes, I’ll marry you, and leave everybody I love behind. I love you and I want you, but I’m not ready for that yet. I don’t think it’s what you want, not really.”

“You have no idea what I want,” Alex said.

“So tell me,” I said. “What do you want, Alex? To be with me? To be a Franciscan? Make me understand what you want.”

He stood there so silent I could hear his heart beat. “I want to be good,” he said softly. “But I don’t know how.”

“Oh, Alex,” I said, longing to hold him and knowing he’d resist if I tried. “None of us know anymore.”

He nodded and then he wept, like a little boy who’d asked for the moon and been told he could never have it.

I used to love the Fourth of July. Hot weather. Fireworks.

Today was gloomy and 50 degrees.