Фил Фоглио - Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg

“It is only temporary. Boris, I will want a list of all of the units still trapped inside Mechanicsburg.”

“Oh, that’s easy, Herr Baron, soon there shouldn’t be any.”

Klaus stopped. “What? But the thorn wall . . . ”

“There is still an open gap before the southern gates, and it appears that all of our troops still in the city are being herded towards them. The ones already leaving are doing so unmolested.”

“AND SHE COULD HAVE CRUSHED THEM ALL,” Doktor Choutй cried. “TRULY WE ARE WITNESSING THE BIZARRE, TWISTED KINDNESS OF THE NEWLY FLEDGED DARK PRINCESS OF DOOM!”

“Ah, it is possible they are setting the stage for future diplomacy.”

“No.” Klaus dismissed this possibility. “This is Mechanicsburg. Nothing is ever as it seems, and everything is a sick joke!” He paused, and a look of frustration crossed his face. “Still . . . I must admit that the point of this particular joke eludes me.”

Meanwhile, down in Mechanicsburg, Airshipman Third Class Axel Higgs shuffled to a stop and stared as the thorn hedge appeared over the top of the encircling wall, the occasional bit of ordinance or soldier lodged within. “Been a while.” He made a slow circle in place and realized— “Huh. They left a gap in it. Wonder why?”

At that moment, a mob of retreating Wulfenbach troops roared around several corners and headed his way. A tall general standing atop a mechanical water buffalo waved his staff frantically. “Retreat,” he roared, his voice artificially amplified so that it boomed loud enough to be heard over the tumult. “Retreat towards the gap!” Without pause, Higgs pivoted smoothly and began running towards the aforementioned gap as well.

“Helllooo ‘Mister Higgs’ ”, the Castle called from a recessed drain.

“Ah,” Higgs grunted. “Should’ve known.”

“Oh, don’t be like that,” a drain spout whispered. “Look what I’ve brought you.”

The shouts of the crowd behind him grew louder. “Nice.”

“Indeed it is. Now go ahead and fight them. Fight them!”

“Don’t be stupid. Why would I

do that? I’m one of them, remember? Just another Wulfenbach man joining in the retreat.”

“Tch. You are nothing of the sort. Go on, toss a few of them around.”

“As if I’d blow my cover just so that you could have some pointless mischief.” A thought hit him and he stumbled and caught himself. “No. Wait . . . There’s always a point, isn’t there? What are you up to, you malevolent shed?”

“Why, I have a desire to see you fight! It’s always so inspiring!”

“Why would you . . . ” Higgs sighed. “Oh. She’s watching, isn’t she?”

“Hee-hee . . . Maybe!”

“Knew she wouldn’t stay in bed.”

“Why should a wild young lady like her listen to you? Ah, but if you showed her something that she respected . . . if you fought . . . even just a few of them, why, I believe she’d see a completely new and intriguing side of you.”

“Not listening!”

By now the Castle had to actually shout to be heard over the sounds of the approaching mob. “You’ll be trampled if you don’t.”

Higgs shrugged. “Been trampled before.” Indeed, he heard the sound of some large mechanical creature growing louder from directly behind him. He realized the shadow he saw enveloping his own meant it was directly upon him. He braced himself . . . but was still shocked when a hand shot down, snagged the back of his jacket and hauled him up and aboard the charging mechanism. “Whoo-hoo,” Zeetha sang out. “Come on, flyboy! Time to leave Crazy Town!”

Even dazed, Higgs noted how effortlessly she pulled him atop the shuddering automaton’s broad back. The only other thing there was a snug metal howdah-like structure. Its metal door swinging wildly as the machine galloped along. “Sorry about all this,” Zeetha said, as she deposited him by her side.

Higgs looked out at the mass of escaping military. “These guys? How is this your fault?”

“Well, the Castle asked if I wanted to see you fight.”

A large reptile adorned with a Wulfenbach captain’s hat clambered up the side of the running machine. “Mammals! General Siclee is requisitioning this mount! Depart! At once!”

Higgs’ foot caught it square on the snout. It fell back into the surging crowd, squealing. “Destroy them!”

“The Castle,” he said, annoyance beginning to creep into his voice. “So not only are you still injured and out of bed against doctor’s orders, but you’re also running around the streets listening to the Castle!”

Zeetha stomped her foot on the claws of another lizard soldier climbing towards her. “Well, I kind of wanted to see it, okay?”

Higgs refused to relinquish the larger conversational issue. “You are not treating your injuries seriously at all! This is not some kind of game!” More lizards showed up, and the airman relished taking some of his frustrations out on them.

Zeetha tsk-tsked as another lizard tried to grab her hair. She grabbed hold of Higgs’s sleeve to stabilize herself and delivered a double kick that sent it arcing off to the street below. Higgs nodded approvingly, but then frowned. “And don’t ‘tsk’ me! That’s what got a sword through you!”

Zeetha paused. A relevant point, but she had to admit whatever had been done to her at Mamma’s had been astonishingly recuperative. “Are you still going on about that?”

“You cannot be so cavalier about this,” Higgs snarled. “I’ve told you and told you, there are people here who . . . who need you!”

“I’ll be fine! Besides Agatha has got lots—”

Higgs whirled and grabbed her shoulders. Glaring furiously at her, his grip like iron, “ME,” he roared, his eyes locked onto hers. “Me! Not the Lady Heterodyne. Me! I want you!” He realized instantly what he had said. “I mean . . . I need you.” He looked surprised. “And, I want you, to . . . need . . . me.”

Zeetha stared up at him.

“Castle,” she yelled. “Are you still there?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t miss this for the world!”

“You’re sure that Agatha’s all right?”

“Oh yes, it’s all over but the mopping up at this point.”

“Good.” She jabbed a finger into Higgs’s chest. “Then we need to talk.” Higgs slumped like a man who’d had more than his share of “talks.”

Thus he was unprepared when Zeetha grabbed his shirt and slung him into the howdah, stepped in behind him, and locked the hatch. He started to say something and then discovered Zeetha’s mouth was in the way. He pulled himself free long enough to take a deep breath and saw Zeetha was already busy stripping off his clothing. “Ah, that kind of talk.” He began to reciprocate.

The Castle had no receptors that allowed it to observe or interact directly with the howdah or its inhabitants. So, after several rather dull minutes, as far it was concerned, it noted the clank, as well as the bulk of the soldiers, were even now passing out of the town gates. “Try to be back by midnight, at least,” it groused.

Atop the battlements of the Southern Gate, several notables watched the escaping army, unaware of the romantic activities taking place in its midst. “That’s the last of them,” Krosp observed with satisfaction.

Vanamonde took a deep breath and allowed himself to slump against the stonework. Another flurry of activity caught his eye. “With all the Jдgers in hot pursuit, I see.” He rubbed his temples. “It’ll be interesting having them openly around town from now on.”

Vidonia blinked and looked around, as if noticing that they were all still alive for the first time. “We really did it, didn’t we?”

Van smiled a smile that didn’t reach his tired eyes. “If by ‘we,’ you mean ‘she,’ then yes, she really did. She won.” He glanced out at the chaos before him, as the entire Wulfenbach army began to pull up stakes and exit the valley as quickly as possible. There’ll be some good salvage out there, he mused. “And by ‘won,’ I mean ‘didn’t get crushed by the empire—’ ”