Daphne Lamb - The Girl's Guide to the Apocalypse

He turned away and joined the rest of his tribe. He spoke impassioned, but in low tones that I couldn’t hear. I tried to lean in, but a few of the other bystanders gave me the side eye. I could tell I was not to be trusted, but they seemed to nod to whatever it was Darren said.

They broke into polite golf applause.

“We will be watching an interpretation of Friends episode 323. The One with Ross’ Thing, starring our very own accomplished thespian, Steve Harks.”

Darren returned to me with open arms and pulled me up to my feet. “As for you…”

He took the time to enjoy his dramatic pause, closing his eyes, gripping my hands tightly, and reached down and grabbed some fat around my waist. I jerked away, a little creeped out.

“You are full of everything we want,” he said.

“Am I?” I said. “Okay.”

He looked at me, his smile slightly went downturned.

“I mean,” I said quickly. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

The smile came back.

“It’s just been so long since I’ve heard a kind word,” I said earnestly. “No one’s arguing here.”

His hands went to my shoulders. He pressed down on them, seemingly feeling the muscles I had.

“Can I have a hug?” he asked.

I nodded, and he pulled me in. The rest of the group applauded. His hands went to my upper back where again he felt the muscles and fat around my bra.

I gently eased away from his embrace, and he let me go.

“You said you’re not alone?” he asked.

“Well, not technically,” I said. “I came with a group, but if I gave you a description of any family I have—”

“Never leave your friends behind,” he said. His voice was high and gentle, also weirdly consoling. “In these dark times, they’re all you really have.”

“But you have water,” I said. “You have Friends . The show. And the actual kind it looks like.”

“The world has a way of disposing of things that it doesn’t need anymore,” he said. “You let the universe deal with such silly things.”

I nodded. “You’re right,” I said. “You’re right in a weird way that I never thought about.”

“We have to give up the ways of thinking that we’ve gotten used to,” he said. He stared me down with his big eyes. “Now tell me. What can we do for you?”

I thought for a moment. “I would absolutely love a shower,” I said. “And a working toilet.”

He smiled. “Then you shall have one.”

He led me toward one of the RVs, where I bristled with excitement over having the first real shower in weeks. But there was a slight damper on it as I looked around at the rest of the group, which was only about thirty people. They had strange reddish markings on their face and vacant looks in their eyes.

“Smells great,” I said. “What’s for dinner?”

No one responded, so I kept moving on.

I pointed to the tribe cooking and setting out place settings for everyone.

“So nice to see civilization surviving,” I said.

“Sweetheart,” Darren said. “You are welcome to water and bread, but the rest is not for you.”

I nodded and allowed myself to be pushed inside the RV with a clean fluffy towel that had a green stripe and the Holiday Inn logo.

* * *

Later that night I crept back to the house, food and bottles of water in hand. I entered the back door quietly shutting it behind me before I noticed in the darkness there were two silhouettes sitting at the dilapidated kitchen table.

I was startled, jumped and dropped a bottle.

“Who is that?” I squinted, trying to identify the figures.

There was a deep sigh. “Ideally,” said Robert’s voice. “We would have switched on the light when you entered. It would have made a more dramatic presentation.”

“You can’t be dramatic without candles,” Bruce said. “Couldn’t find any, but whatever.”

“For what?” I asked.

“You broke your promise that you weren’t going to go out alone,” he said.

“I never promised,” I said. “You made your statement, and I never gave you a yes or no.”

“You can’t see this,” he said in the dark. “But I’m shaking a finger at you. Because what you’ve done is incredibly dangerous.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I went looking for drinkable water. And I found it.”

“Really?” Bruce’s voice broke out. “Is it Fiji or Voss? It better not be that Aquafina crap. That stuff hurts my teeth.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “When it’s offered, you don’t ask what’s on the label. And how does water hurt your teeth?”

“Wait,” Robert said. “Who offered it to you?”

“Why are we having this conversation in the dark?” I asked. “Can’t we at least sit in the living room or wait until morning?”

“Fine,” Robert said. “But as your employer—”

“Nope.” I shook my head. “If Mitchellwide doesn’t exist, then I am not your employee.”

“To keep you safe in all lands,” he said. “You can trust Mitchellwide hands. That’s just an ideal philosophy you should still be following!”

“Now is not the time to quote the company ad logo!” I said. “I did data entry and lied on my time card, so there’s no point in waving the corporate loyalty flag!”

“That’s disappointing to hear.” He stood, tripped over the fallen bottle, but recovered. “Son of a bitch!”

“Careful.”

“God, I miss electricity,” he said.

I set the rest of the things down. “I got a bag of chips,” I said. “The baked kind. Just for you.”

Bruce sighed heavily. “Who? Me or Robert?”

“You of course.”

“It’s late,” he said. “The last thing I wanted to do tonight was wait up, hoping you’d come back.” He stood, also tripped on the bottle. “Oh come on!”

His silhouette gained balance back by steadying himself on the doorway.

“Damn it,” he muttered, then disappeared into the living room. I listened to him fall into the makeshift bed. “Are you coming to bed or not?” he shouted.

I didn’t answer. I sat in the chair and rested my head on the table.

* * *

In the morning I woke up to find Debra face down in a bag of pretzels that I had snagged from the RV community.

“Did I fall asleep here?” I asked.

She lifted her head and stared at me hard. “You wouldn’t happen to have an extra pair of shoes, would you?”

I shook my head. “Sorry, I don’t,” I said. “I wish I did.”

She narrowed her eyes, but then sighed. “My feet are killing me. I don’t think I can go another day in those shoes.” Her voice became shaky as the tears welled up. “These were my favorites, but they’re killing my feet.”

“Maybe we can find some shoes somewhere.” I reached for the bag. “May I?”

She held the bag just out of my reach. “I’m used to being hungry, but I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

I held out my palm. “Can I have one?”

“Sorry,” she said. “I just ate this whole bag.”

“But I got them for us,” I said weakly.

“Next time get two.”

She stood, taking a long swig of water from the bottle. Robert entered.

“I hope you’ve thought long and hard about why you weren’t in bed,” he said to Debra sternly.

I snapped to. “That’s what she said!” I shouted. “That’s what she said!” I relaxed. “God that felt good to say.”

Debra raised her eyebrows at me. “Who’s she?”

I looked at Robert, but he stared at me with the same blank expression. “You guys have heard that joke, right? You hear something that could be vaguely sexual and say. ‘That’s what she said.’”

They were staring at me, and I felt both awkward in their judgment and thankful I had never pursued that career in standup comedy.