Terry Pratchett - Guards! Guards!

"But just a small one. "

"Oook."

' 'And you 're paying.''

"Eeek. "

Vimes stopped and stared down at the big, mild face.

"Tell me," he said. "I've always wanted to know . . . is it better, being an ape?"

The Librarian thought about it. "Oook," he said.

"Oh. Really?" said Vimes.

It was the next day. The room was wall-to-wall with civic dignitaries. The Patrician sat on his severe chair, surrounded by the Council. Everyone present was wear­ing the shiny waxen grins of those bent on good works.

Lady Sybil Ramkin sat off to one side, wearing a few acres of black velvet. The Ramkin family jewels glittered on her fingers, neck and in the black curls of today's wig. The total effect was striking, like a globe of the heavens.

Vimes marched the rank to the centre of the hall and stamped to a halt with his helmet under his arm, as per regulations. He'd been amazed to see that even Nobby had made an effort - the suspicion of shiny metal could be seen here and there on his breastplate. And Colon was wearing an expression of almost con­stipated importance. Carrot's armour gleamed.

Colon ripped off a textbook salute for the first time in his life.

"All present and correct, sah!" he barked.

"Very good, Sergeant," said Vimes coldly. He turned to the Patrician and raised an eyebrow politely.

Lord Vetinari gave a little wave of his hand.

"Stand easy, or whatever it is you chaps do," he said. "I'm sure we needn't wait on ceremony here. What do you say, Captain?"

"Just as you like, sir," said Vimes.

"Now, men," said the Patrician, leaning forward, "we have heard some remarkable accounts of your magnificent efforts in defence of the city ..."

Vimes let his mind wander as the golden platitudes floated past. For a while he derived a certain amount of amusement from watching the faces of the Council. A whole sequence of expressions drifted across them as the Patrician spoke. It was, of course, vitally im­portant that there be a ceremony like this. Then the whole thing could be neat and settled. And forgotten. Just another chapter in the long and exciting history of eckcetra, eckcetra. Ankh-Morpork was good at starting new chapters.

His trawling gaze fell on Lady Ramkin. She winked. Vimes's eyes swivelled front again, his expression sud­denly as wooden as a plank.

"... token of our gratitude," the Patrician fin­ished, sitting back.

Vimes realized that everyone was looking at him.

"Pardon?" he said.

"I said, we have been trying to think of some suit­able recompense, Captain Vimes. Various public-spirited citizens…" the Patrician's eyes took in the Council and Lady Ramkin,"…and, of course, myself, feel that an appropriate reward is due."

Vimes still looked blank.

"Reward?" he said.

"It is customary for such heroic endeavour," said the Patrician, a little testily.

Vimes faced forward again. "Really haven't thought about it, sir," he said. "Can't speak for the men, of course."

There was an awkward pause. Out of the corner of his eye Vimes was aware of Nobby nudging the ser­geant in the ribs. Eventually Colon stumbled forward and ripped off another salute. "Permission to speak, sir," he muttered.

The Patrician nodded graciously.

The sergeant coughed. He removed his helmet and pulled out a scrap of paper.

"Er," he said. "The thing is, saving your honour's presence, we think, you know, what with saving the city and everything, or sort of, or, what I mean is ... we just had a go you see, man on the spot and that sort of thing ... the thing is, we reckon we're enti­tled. If you catch my drift."

The assembled company nodded. This was exactly how it should be.

"Do go on," said the Patrician.

"So we, like, put our heads together," said the ser­geant. "A bit of a cheek, I know ..."

"Please carry on, Sergeant," said the Patrician. "You needn't keep stopping. We are well aware of the magnitude of the matter."

"Right, sir. Well, sir. First, it's the wages."

"The wages?" said Lord Vetinari. He stared at Vimes, who stared at nothing.

The sergeant raised his head. His expression was the determined expression of a man who is going to see it through.

"Yes, sir," he said. "Thirty dollars a month. It's not right. We think," he licked his lips and glanced behind him at the other two, who were making vague encouraging motions,"we think a basic rate of, er, thirty-five dollars? A month?" He stared at the Patri­cian's stony expression. "With increments as per rank? We thought five dollars."

He licked his lips again, unnerved by the Patrician's expression. "We won't go below four," he said. "And that's flat. Sorry, your Highness, but there it is."

The Patrician glanced again at Vimes's impassive face, then looked back at the rank.

"That's it?"he said.

Nobby whispered in Colon's ear and then darted back. The sweating sergeant gripped his helmet as though it was the only real thing in the world.

"There was another thing, your reverence," he said.

"Ah." The Patrician smiled knowingly.

"There's the kettle. It wasn't much good anyway, and then Errol et it. It was nearly two dollars." He swallowed. "We could do with a new kettle, if it's all the same, your lordship.''

The Patrician leaned forward, gripping the arms of his chair.

"I want to be clear about this," he said coldly. "Are we to believe that you are asking for a petty wage increase and a domestic utensil?"

Carrot whispered in Colon's other ear.

Colon turned two bulging, watery-rimmed eyes to the dignitaries. The rim of his helmet was passing through his fingers like a mill wheel.

"Well," he began, "sometimes, we thought, you know, when we has our dinner break, or when it's quite, like, at the end of a watch as it may be, and we want to relax a bit, you know, wind down ..." His voice trailed away.

"Yes?"

Colon took a deep breath.

"I suppose a dartboard would be out of the ques­tion…?"

The thunderous silence that followed was broken by an erratic snorting.

Vimes's helmet dropped out of his shaking hand. His breastplate wobbled as the suppressed laughter of the years burst out in great uncontrollable eruptions. He turned his face to the row of councillors and laughed and laughed until the tears came.

Laughed at the way they got up, all confusion and outraged dignity.

Laughed at the Patrician's carefully immobile ex­pression.

Laughed for the world and the saving of souls.

Laughed and laughed, and laughed until the tears came.

Nobby craned up to reach Colon's ear.

"I told you," he hissed. "I said they'd never wear it. I knew a dartboard'd be pushing our luck. You've upset 'em all now."

Dear Mother and Father [wrote Carrot] You will never guess, I have been in the Watch only a few weeks and, already I am to be a full Constable. Captain Vimes said, the Patrician himself said I was to be One, and that also he hoped I should have a long and successful career in the Watch as well and, he would follow it with special interest. Also my wages are to go up by ten dollars and we had a special bonus of twenty dol­lars that Captain Vimes paid for out of his own pocket,

Sgt Colon said. Please find money enclosed. I am keep­ing a little bit by though because I went to see Reel and Mrs Palm said all the girls had been following my ca­reer with Great Interest as well and I am to come to dinner on my night off. Sgt Colon has been telling me about how to start courting, which is very interesting and not at all complicated it appears. I arrested a dragon but it got away. I hope Mr Varneshi is well.

I am as happy as anyone can be in the whole world.

Your son, Carrot.

Vimes knocked on the door.

An effort had been made to spruce up the Ramkin man­sion, he noticed. The encroaching shrubbery had been pitilessly hacked back. An elderly workman atop a ladder was nailing the stucco back on the walls while another, with a spade, was rather arbitrarily defining the line where the lawn ended and the old flower beds had begun.