Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

"It's not my fault," Melvine grumbled.

"Oh, yes?" his aunt asked, curling her tiny fists on her hips. "Whose fault, then? Name me another guy anywhere in Cupid who is anywhere close to your height. Name one. I'm waiting." Melvine remained silent. Markie appealed to me again. "You see? He needs help."

"Why me?" I asked.

The corner of Markie's mouth quirked up in a tiny grin. "It's your own fault, really. You taught me about good character and honest evaluation. While I was here I saw how your reputation came to be based on those traits. My big fool of a nephew doesn't know how to do anything small. He has no control. As you could probably figure, that makes him even more unpopular than an Elemental School graduate usually is. Melvine has been through about eight tutors, and he's intimidated most of them into approving of everything he does just to keep from having to deal with the aftermath. He's too bright and too powerful for his own good. I know he's screwing up." My other apprentices gawked to hear such words falling from the childish lips. "You kept one of the tightest ships running I have ever seen. Your friends were loyal to you no matter what happened. I admired your integrity. You told people the truth even when it hurt you, but you never tried to hurt anyone's feelings deliberately. My problem comes from my profession: sometimes I don't know when to stop. Melvine needs someone with your fundamental honesty, not to praise him or to clobber him too much. He only needs a steady hand for a few weeks. He ought to get a handle by then."

"That's right," the pupil said, turning big blue eyes just like his aunt's up to mine. "After that, I'm on my own, I swear."

I could feel Bunny's eyes burning a message into my brain—over her dead body would she let any relative of Markie's share the roof over her head—but the foolish, ashamed grin on the boy's face touched me. I'd been there myself. If it hadn't been for Aahz and Chumley, and even Bunny, I'd probably have gotten myself into some really stupid situations with no way out.

"This has nothing to do with our common history," I told Markie. Her eyes shone, and she practically climbed up me to hug me and give me a hearty peck on the cheek.

"You are one in a million," she said happily. She caught Bunny's fierce expression and jumped down from my chest. "All right. I'm out of here. Melvine can make his own way home at the end of the session. Can he stay here, or does he need to commute from Cupid?"

"No, there's plenty of room," I assured her absently. Bunny paused for a moment then nodded her head in resignation. "But this doesn't come free."

"I figured," Markie said, nodding knowingly. "I've got plenty. How much would you like?"

"Not money," I said. "I don't need your money, and I don't want to take it, knowing how you earned it. No offense."

"None taken," Markie sighed. "That's why I'm here. So, what do you want?"

I gestured at the other students. "I want you to come back as a guest lecturer one week. You, too, Chumley."

"Not good," Chumley said, pulling his big shaggy brow down towards his eyes. "Crunch better fighter than teacher."

I raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure you'll think of something to challenge them. They want practical instruction. Isn't that right, ladies?"

"Yes," Jinetta said cautiously.

"Good!" I clapped my palms together and rubbed them. "Then it's settled."

"Thanks again, Skeeve," Markie said, turning large, blond-fringed eyes up to me. "I owe you. I owe you, too, Bunny."

"I will collect," Bunny assured her. "My Family never forgets a favor."

"I expect it," Markie said.

She waved a hand, and the BAMF of displaced air momentarily deafened all of us.

"Crunch go, too," Chumley announced, looking pointedly at me. "Go home to Trollia. Bye."

He didn't want to be seen doing magik in front of the students. I drew power out of the force lines that crossed above and beneath the inn, and sent the big Troll away with another loud bang.

I decided to grab the male bovine by the horns. I drew a breath and turned to my circle of apprentices.

"Ladies, Tolk and Bee, this is Melvine," I said.

I realized it wasn't the bull I had to worry about, it was the cows. The Pervects looked furious.

"Was this some sort of scam to jack up the price your business partner was charging, telling us how reclusive you are?" Freezia demanded. "It looks like you're taking in foundlings right and left, without asking for a dime!"

"Now, just a minute," Tolk began, a little defensively. "Who are you calling a foundling?"

"You don't like us?" Melvine whined, his lower lip pouted out.

"You really expect us to associate with remedial students like these?" Pologne asked me.

"What's a dime?" Bee asked.

"My aunt must have been out of her mind," Jinetta said, throwing her hands up in disgust. "You're overcommitting yourself, and we need intensive tutoring. I'm beginning to wonder if you're equal to it. We haven't got much time, and you're making other arrangements—"

"HOLD IT!" I bellowed, raising my hands. That was it. I might have to come to terms with my conscience over whether or not it was a good idea to do Markie a favor, but it was MY conscience. "Quiet, all of you. ONE: I'm in charge here. I decide who I will teach. Not you. If you don't want to continue as part of a group, then feel free to go back and ask my pa—partner for a refund. TWO: you weren't ever going to have one-on-one tutoring. There were three of you to start with! THREE: you'll be able to help each other out. I can use your assistance, too. As college graduates you will be handy to have as teaching aides. You probably already did some of that at MIP. I'm guessing that the guys won't have had as extensive a formal education as you. You can help them over the bumps, in exchange for advanced tutoring. They might even have something that they can teach YOU."

"Well," Pologne began, dubiously.

"The situation is not negotiable," I said flatly. "I don't plan to go easy on you in my lessons, so maybe you ought to make friends with your classmates. Otherwise, you're all out of here. Get it?"

The Pervects all rocked back on their heels. Melvine stood in the middle of the room, sniveling quietly to himself. Tolk dropped to all fours and trotted over to stand by him, a friendly and sympathetic look on his long face.

Bee broke the ice. He ambled over and offered a hand to each of the others in turn.

"Skeeve's right," the skinny soldier said. "I just got out of the army, and one of the most important things I learned is that you can't get by just on your own in a tough situation. How about it? Friends?"

"Temporarily," Freezia said, taking the hand gingerly.

"Good," I said, beaming. "Everybody go choose a room. Keep the curtains closed. Dinner's at sunset. Breakfast's at sunrise, local time, and we start classes first thing after that. Got it?"

All six pupils stopped arguing and gawked at me. Behind them, Gleep tipped me one huge, blue-eyed wink.

BAMF!

"…There yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Tolk yelped, over and over.

"Shut UP!" Freezia snarled.

"But are we there yet?" the doglike creature asked. He turned his big brown eyes to me.

"Yup," I said. "We're there." I clutched the D-hopper close to my chest so none of them could read the settings, and stuffed it into my belt pouch.

The students looked around curiously. The landscape was nothing to write home about. I had always thought of Klah as the bleakest place in the universe, but since I'd started magik lessons, first with Garkin, then with Aahz, I'd come to realize I had been born in a fairly decent place.