Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

Not like this.

We stood high on a hilltop overlooking a landscape consisting mainly of stone and clay. The hot wind whipped around us, flicking dust into our eyes and nostrils. Scrubby plants hugged the hillside in between rivers of pebbles. Clusters of depressed-looking moss-colored bushes studded with finger-long thorns huddled here and there, not brightening fields of windblown grass. A shallow stream ran downhill, the gurgle of peat-colored water doing nothing to lift the ambience. The sun hovered near the horizon, flinging pale orange rays upward in hopes of raising some cheer on the landscape. It didn't succeed.

"Welcome to Sear," I announced. "This is where we're going to have our first lesson."

"What a dump," Pologne said.

I wanted to offer some kind of sour rejoinder. I had hardly gotten any sleep the night before, getting everything set up. Her attitude dimmed a little of my excitement over this teaching assignment. My former pupil Massha had always been grateful for the time we had spent together, and I had come to appreciate how much she valued my instruction—when I hadn't ducked out on the responsibility. I took a moment to wonder why I had been so reluctant to teach her, and why I had jumped so readily at this job, with not one, but six students, all of different temperaments.

"What are we doing here?" Melvine asked in a whiny voice. The big baby was bundled neck to heels in a pale-gray garment that only looked like a romper. The bottoms of the feet had very solid, ridged soles, and I realized there were multiple openings for pockets. He wore a cute little cap on his nearly bald head. "I hate sleeping outside. Can't we go back to the inn?"

"No," I said. "I wanted to get out in the field. It'll be more of a challenge this way."

I'd told my students to get ready for camping outdoors, but gave no other details. The Pervects had dressed for the occasion in form-fitting t-shirt and short sets: Freezia in melon, Pologne in pale green, and Jinetta in what my fashion expert Bunny had defined for me as lemon sorbet.' Their talons, both finger and toe, had been freshly pedicured, and their polish matched their outfits. They also carried color-coordinated backpacks.

Bee, dressed in his Possiltum army uniform, leather skirt and breastplate over a long tunic, puffed up the hill behind us, hauling a huge pack that must have weighed about the same as he did.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Well, sir," Bee began, stopping to gulp for breath, "the army always taught us to be prepared. Sgt. Swatter also impressed it on me pretty persuasively. I don't want to end up without something I'm gonna need to fulfill any task you set me."

"This is intended to test your magikal solutions," Jinetta said with a sneer.

"With respect, ma'am, my magik is a lot more basic than I'd like it to be," Bee replied, his freckled cheeks red from exertion or embarrassment, or both. "I've got to find a physical answer sometimes. I just thought you oughtta know that, since you may end up counting on me one day."

"Thanks," the tallest Pervect said coldly, "but I doubt it."

"That's your first wrong answer of the day," I stated calmly. Jinetta looked shocked. "You're all going to work together. None of you succeed unless all of you do. That's one of the most practical things I ever learned, working with M.Y.T.H., Inc., and I'd be remiss if I didn't pass it along to you."

By contrast, Tolk had his possessions in a paper bag that had a rip down one side. The Pervects regarded him with the same distaste they would have given a stain on their immaculate outfits. Tolk took no notice as he gazed at his surroundings.

"Where are the trees?" he asked forlornly.

"Oh, I think there are some out there someplace," I said nonchalantly. "We'll find plenty of firewood for our camp tonight. If not, we can always burn dried animal dung."

"And smell up my outfit?" Freezia asked. "Not a chance. This is haute couture? "If it's not hot haute" I said, "you might welcome the warmth when the sun goes down. You're here for lessons in practical survival, right? It doesn't get much more basic than Sear. Nothing fancy, but you can find what you need."

"But what are we doing here?" Melvine asked in his perpetual whine.

"Today's lesson is finding simple solutions to problems," I informed them. "You're going on a scavenger hunt. I came here last night and hid a bunch of items on the landscape. By the end of tomorrow I want all of the items assembled at land's end." I pointed downhill toward the silver sparkle of the distant sea that hugged this continent. "You'll find all the objects on this little shopping list. Oops!" I let go of the parchment, which I had conveniently torn into six pieces before we left Klah. The students leaped after them, jumping in front of one another, nearly racing up one another's backs to get at the swirling squares of paper. I groaned. They weren't thinking. They had all responded out of instinct, not intelligence.

"Hold it!" I said. The students all stopped and turned back to stare at me.

"What?" Pologne demanded. "They're going to get lost!"

"Not if you're smart. One of you, get all those pieces. Now!"

Tolk, quick as a wyvern, leaped into the air and snatched one with his mouth as the wind carried the fragment by. He jumped for another. The first one fluttered out of his mouth. Tolk snapped at the first one and lost the second. He turned this way and that, trying to decide which one to go for. One fluttered close. He leaped for it, but Freezia reached for it at the same time. They collided. Freezia jumped back with a shriek. Tolk landed on his back, and scrambled up.

"Gosh, I'm sorry!" he yelped. "Sorry sorry sorry!"

"Stop it!" she said, brushing hairs off her outfit. "I'm all right. Gack, you smell like dog!"

"That's good, right?" Tolk asked, puzzled.

The slip of parchment whirled up and away, untouched.

"I'll get 'em," Bee said, dumping his pack. A section of the list had settled for a moment in one of the thornbushes about a dozen yards from us. Bee pelted down the hill, just in time for a wisp of wind to flick it out of reach. He stretched out a hand, and the paper edged toward him. The next gust took it away. I realized he didn't have much of a command of basic magik. That'd have to be handled over the coming weeks.

Ignoring him, the three Pervects went into a poised huddle.

"What do you think, Jinetta?" Pologne asked, her finger to her lips. "Should we try Morton's Retrieval Spell?"

"This is too small a volume of matter for that," Freezia said severely. "The fragments might be crushed out of existence.

"I think Obadiah's Reassembly Spell is the best way," Jinetta said.

"Come on! Obadiah's is soo-oooo last week!" Pologne scoffed.

"Don't you think that's what Professor Maguffin would have suggested?"

The name seemed to stop the other two, and they adopted a respectful air.

"I don't know," Freezia said thoughtfully. "I never heard him say that Obadiah's was for outdoor use."

"But he didn't say it wasn't—"

Pologne raised her finger. "We could use Petronius's Beard Charm—"

"We'd get a backlash. Think of the third law of Sorcerodynamics!"

"Not the third law, the second!"

"That wouldn't address the ambient power sources," Freezia chided her friends.

"Obadiah's it is, then." Jinetta took out a small alembic and a bright red stick from her backpack. Pologne uncorked a small bottle and poured a few drops of thick liquid into the container. Jinetta stirred it with the stick, and the volume increased to fill the alembic. Scarlet steam started to pour out of the narrow spout. A thread of it shot upward, tilted and began to turn in a circle as if looking around, then headed off toward the nearest shred. A gust of wind caught the red smoke and wound it upward in a spiral. It tried to break loose from the wind, darting almost desperately at the invisible sides of the eddy, until it simply dissipated. The Pervects stared in dismay.