Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

"I have to go," I said. I got up, but I couldn't take my eyes off the images. Tolk took a blow to the skull from an Imp sailing by on his wheeled board and went down howling. Bunny grabbed my arm.

"You can't," she said.

"Why not?"

"Because—because you've been banned from Perv. Remember?"

I groaned and sank back in my chair. It all came back to me now. The run-ins with the police, the long fruitless searches, the friend who turned questionable businessman and got me declared permanent persona non grata and blacklisted forever from a whole dimension.

There weren't too many people who could make a claim like that.

At the moment, I couldn't say I was grateful for the honor. I watched the fighting going, wishing that I could leap into the insubstantial images and take part in the action. The longer this mess went on, the greater the chance that one of my ill-prepared students was going to be pushed into a situation where he or she might be killed, and no lectures on teamwork or planning would make that any better.

"What can I do?" I demanded, stalking up and back. The more I watched, the more worried I became. "I've got to stop this now."

"Disguise spell," Tananda said promptly. "It's what you do best."

I waved away the suggestion. "A disguise spell is fine, but I can't pretend to be just anyone. I need to be impressive enough to step in on Perv and get people to do what I want them to. I need credentials. I can't just appear as a bystander and try to straighten things out."

"You have the perfect disguise," Tanda points out. "Aahz."

I stopped dead in my pacing. "I couldn't do that."

"Yes, you could," Tananda insisted. "Remember, I know more about him than you do. He's got an impressive record there. He was at the top of his class at MIP, and except for you, he's the most visible part of M.YT.H., Inc. What could be more perfect? Or Pervect?"

"He wouldn't go for it. I could really louse up his reputation."

Tananda came to put an arm around me. "Sure he would go for it, Tiger. Think about it—the story's gone around that he's lost his powers, but if you show up and toss a little magik around, they'll believe he's gotten them back. That won't harm his reputation, it'll enhance it. Let Aahz take it from there, if anyone is ever stupid enough to challenge him. But you need to get those kids out. They're out of their depth."

In the crystal, I watched Markie's nephew surrounded by a the entire contingent of Imps, raising their clubs to bludgeon him. Melvine started the elemental whirlwind, but they were prepared for him. A robed magician stepped in and waved his hands. Melvine stumbled to a halt, confusion turning to alarm as the Imps started swinging. Throwing his arms over his head, he began ducking and weaving between the wheeled menaces.

"Besides," Bunny said, "all this mess was Aahz's idea in the first place. He's the one who sent the Pervects to you."

"I'd better ask," I began weakly.

"I'll ask him, Tanda insisted, and BAMFed out before I could stop her. She was back in a twinkling.

"Go," she confirmed.

It took absolutely no time to assume my former mentor's face and form. The fact I was several inches taller than Aahz wouldn't make any difference in my carriage; Aahz's reputation for keeping strangers (and apprentices) at arm's length would help me maintain the subterfuge. I patted my cheeks, but I felt no difference, nor could I see any in the mirror.

"Perfect," Bunny said, walking around me to check the disguise. "Or, should I say, Pervect? Remember, don't smile. Aahz hardly ever smiles, unless he's really ticked off."

"I don't feel like smiling," I grunted.

"Gleep?" my pet asked plaintively. He sniffed me up and down, not able to reconcile my scent with Aahz's appearance. He and Aahz had never been fast friends.

"It's me," I confirmed, patting him on the head. "Don't worry, Gleep. This is for a good cause."

"I'd better go," I said impatiently.

"Not so fast, handsome," Tananda said, cuddling up close to me. "You don't think we're letting you go in there alone, do you?"

"I can't risk taking any of you with me," I said. "If they catch me, I could be locked up for years."

"They won't catch you," Tananda said. "But don't go in there without backup. It might take all of us to pull your students out of danger."

"What were you always telling those kids?" Bunny added, throwing a hand toward the image of the struggling team. "Team up and delegate?"

I groaned. "Don't throw my words back at me."

"Do you mean them, or don't you?" Bunny challenged me.

"Of course I do!"

"Then, it's settled." She nodded to Tananda and Markie.

BAMF!

Thanks to Bytina, we were able to pinpoint exactly where we needed to appear on Perv. Though the Arena was supposedly in a "secret location concealed deep in the mountains above a lonely valley visited by no living creature since time began," the magik the place was giving off, not to mention the triangulation provided from thousands of crystal balls dimensions-wide, made it a beacon to the naked eye, let alone to a sophisticated piece of technology.

We arrived on the lip of a natural ampitheater. Winds whistled around us, nipping the tips of my ears. I ignored the discomfort as I stalked down the aisle past thousands of cheering spectators enjoying the brawl happening on the vast round stage below. The hollow stone bowl magnified the sounds so I could hear every grunt, every yell, every cry of pain. I jogged down the endless staircase with the three women behind me.

Every hundred steps or so there was a landing. About the fifth one, an adolescent Pervect in a vest and bow tie stepped out.

"Sir, may I see your ticket?"

"Out of my way," I snarled.

"I'm afraid you can't go into the lower sections without a ticket."

I was not in a mood to argue. I threw him out of the way, using my levitation skills instead of the Pervish strength I lacked. He landed on top of several spectators. Blurting out apologies, he crawled out and hurried after us.

"Stop, sir. You have to stop."

Tananda wriggled up and attached herself firmly to my elbow, playing the part of Trollish eye candy.

"Don't you know who he is?" she asked the usher.

"No, I don't. And if he doesn't show me a ticket, I'm going to have him thrown out!"

I ignored him, but by that time we had attracted the attention of several other ushers, not to mention hundreds of paying customers. I kept them at bay with magik, intent on reaching my destination. Any minute now one of them was going to call security.

"Wave to the nice people," she murmured. "Make them think you're a celebrity. Aahz would."

The next time I made eye contact with an audience member, I put on a big fake smile and waved to her. When she poked her neighbor and pointed, I waved to him, too. Pretty soon the whole march down the aisle, ushers and all, looked like the arrival of a star. I prevented them from following me up onto the stage. Even the ushers seemed to be having doubts.

"Thanks for the escort, guys," I called as my small party scaled the sheer steps to the stage.

My students were still in the center. Pologne was now wrapped up in spider silk. Jinetta and Bee were up on top of the framework, trying to dislodge the barrel of water with magik and brute strength. I applied my own power, but it wouldn't budge. It wasn't meant to move! More cheating.

I grabbed the first person I saw, a young Deveel woman in a tight pink skirt and white blouse who clutched a clipboard to her chest.

"Who's in charge here?" I demanded.

She looked at me and my three companions and put her nose in the air.

"I'm sorry, sir, but this is a closed set." She spoke into her lapel, and several large Pervect males in uniforms appeared at her back.