Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

"A-one," Schlein began the count. All the players braced themselves, facing toward the haven they had to reach. "A-two. A-three. Go!"

Free-for-all was right. The chaos that ensued looked like Free Sample Day at the Bazaar. My students started out in the direction of their free space, only to be intercepted by the Gargoyle Girls. The stonefaced males and females matched every move the Apprentices made, dodging left and right, with big grins on their gray stone faces. Pologne's expression turned impatient, and she flung a hand upward. The Gargoyle nearest her went flying overhead. It landed on the back of the Dragonettes' dragon, who turned around with a roar, looking to see who had done that. The Apprentices scattered as the dragon charged them, followed by the Trolls.

My students didn't have the bulk or the strength, but they could move. Melvine took to the air and thumbed his nose in the dragon's face. It spewed out a hot jet of flame at him. Melvine easily ducked upward. The dragon spread its wings to follow him, and knocked half the Shock Jahks off their feet.

Sharkbait saw its opportunity. The whole school flitted neatly around the dragon's whipping tail and headed towards its glowing sign and freedom.

They had not reckoned with the Bald Guy with Muscles. Clambering up the She Spider's tower, he evaded her grasping legs easily, and leaped down on top of the two leading sharks. He rode them with one foot on each, punching at their sensitive gills. The rest of the school flew at him, mouths open to tear him to shreds. The Bald Guy merely smiled, as if this was what he had been waiting for all his life. He disappeared in a waving welter of tails and fins.

I caught sight of Melvine emerging in the middle of a circle of Pervects, their fangs gleaming as they moved in on him. He looked terrified. With a wild yell, Bee came swinging in on a rope and dropped into their midst, distracting the Pervects enough for Melvine to gather his wits.

BAMF! They vanished.

I just spotted the two of them as they appeared near the line separating the Sorcerer's Apprentices' free spot from the rest of the arena floor. Melvine staggered and shook his head.

"Oh, no, you don't," Schlein's voice chided him over the loud speaker. "No magiking your way to safety! Uh-oh, here come the Mutileers!"

Before Bee and Melvine could race over the line, several of the uniformed soldiers charged them. They retreated into the midst of the melee, where the Gargoyle Girls were duking it out with the Ogres. Freezia was in the middle, repelling blows with bursts of magik. She shrieked every time one of them got near her.

"Fresh meat!" a Gargoyle yelled.

Melvine turned and punched him in the face. The next moment he dropped to his knees, clutching his throbbing fist.

"Ooh," I groaned in sympathy.

"They always do that," the Geek observed.

"Haw, haw, haw," the Gargoyle laughed.

"Hey, ugly!" Bee taunted him. When the stone being turned to look at him, Bee stuck his thumbs in his ears and wiggled them. The Gargoyle lumbered after him. Bee ducked around the nearest Ogre. It seemed to shrink and become less hairy. I realized that Bee had thrown Datspell on both of them.

The Gargoyle grabbed the now disguised Ogre by the shoulder and spun it around. He landed one solid punch on the chin. "Bee" just staggered back half a pace then returned the roundhouse with interest. The two of them began to pound one another, to the delighted cheers from the audience, who had caught the whole transformation. Bee helped Freezia to her feet. Freezia tossed opponents out of their way as they ran to rejoin Melvine.

"Wheee-oop!"

On the other side of the She Spider, I spotted Jinetta running away from a trio of Imps on skateboards. She ducked around the stand of bows and arrows meant to disarm the spider, swung underneath the gigantic arachnid herself, and rolled. The spider noticed Jinetta and reached for her with one hefty claw. It just missed her ankle. The Imps swung their clubs at her. They whanged against the metal frame supporting the She Spider, making it ring. The spider whirled around on her silk thread and clawed at them.

Jinetta emerged from the other side, right into a mob of monkeys. They screamed and clambered up her body and perched on her head. She pulled one after another, throwing them at the irate spider. Distracted, she didn't see the Imps coming around the corner after her. They swung at her. Jinetta flung them back with a wave of magik. More Imps homed in on her. With a set jaw she started banging them into one another. They staggered and fell down. Within a moment, they were up again.

Pologne and Tolk had made it about halfway across the stage to the free space when a purple-clad Mutileer seemed to pop up right out of the stage. Tolk ducked underneath the soldier's sword, and grabbed the man's ankle in his teeth. Pologne ripped the soldier's helmet off his head and started belaboring him with it.

More Mutileers came out of the floor to the aid of their comrade. In no time Pologne and Tolk found themselves at bay, leaping back to avoid swinging swords and jabbing pikes. Pologne turned several of the weapons against their wielders, but she and Tolk were greatly outnumbered.

"Funny, it looks like the house champions are targeting my students," I said.

"No," Tananda reassured me. "They pick on everyone. Sergeant Pep-up likes to keep things moving."

"No, really," I said. "Look!"

The uniformed soldiers seemed to be everywhere. Several of them were in between Bee, Melvine and Freezia and the safe haven. Freezia was flagging, her arms no longer held as high as she fought to push the Mutileers out of their way. Bee looked tired, too. He was the weakest magikally, with only three really good spells at his command, none of which were much use in this onslaught. He had no other reserves than his muscular strength. Melvine helped keep both of them from getting hurt, but I saw sweat running off his little bald head. What's more, when one of my students did manage to score a hit on one of their opponents, it didn't seem to slow them down.

"Someone's protecting them magikally," I protested.

I heard a scream. Sergeant Pep-up himself had picked Pologne up in his arms. He dashed into the middle of the stage and heaved her into the waiting clutches of the She Spider. It bit her on the neck, and she went limp. The spider started wrapping her up in silk. I was furious.

A soldier raised his sword, and struck. Melvine went down with a bleeding gash on his head. The Mutileer threw the Cupy over his shoulder and headed toward the center dais.

Jinetta ran after them. She gasped as she saw her sorority sister in the spider's web, and dashed toward the rack of equipment.

"It's rigged," I announced as I saw a phalanx of uniforms surround the remaining Apprentices, now maneuvering them all toward the spider's lair. "They're all going to die. I have to get in there."

"You?" Markie asked. "You can't get involved. Those kids signed an agreement to participate."

"They didn't know it was going to be rigged," I argued. "Look!"

One after another bowstring broke as Jinetta tried to fit it onto a bow. She reached for another one. If she didn't manage to get the bow functional and shoot the arrow into the target, Pologne was going to be strangled by the giant spider.

"Maybe one," I said. "But I'll bet they are all frayed."

"They'll cope," Tananda said. "They have to."

Freezia grabbed a string out of Jinetta's hand and ran her hands along it.

"Attagirl," Bunny cheered. "She must be strengthening it."

Jinetta managed to get it onto the bow and notched an arrow. ZING! She hit the bull's eye over the spider, which ought to have released the deluge of water.

Nothing happened.

Jinetta looked around for an official. No one stopped the contest. Pologne's body was wound in nearly invisible threads from head to foot, and the spider was busily spinning more into the cocoon.