Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

I had run into a situation like this on Perv, when I had inadvertantly offended a friend named Edvik by offering him cash as a tip in thanks for services rendered instead of as a gift between equals. It took some fancy talking to straighten things out, the results of which got me into so much trouble that I had been ejected from the dimension permanently as persona non grata.

That was it, I told myself. I might be their teacher, but courtesy needed to extend in both directions. I promised that I would be more careful about my students' pride in the future.

"It's like this," Bee explained for the eighth time as he pointed out the obstacle course he had designed in the inn's courtyard out of chairs, fire irons, a few pots, heaps of books and stones. "You concentrate on walking a perfectly smooth road, and when you've got it in your head, you think 'Can't trip.' Get it? 'Cantrip.'" He grinned at her. "You can't trip. But you say 'spoo.'"

"I get it," Jinetta said, studying her nails. She picked a fragment of scale off her cuticle then polished her fingertips against her blouse. "In fact, I got it the first time you said it, over a week ago, and every time since then. This is beginner stuff."

Bee reddened. "It came in awful handy in Humulus, Tolk said."

"I'm sure to a Canidian it looks very impressive."

"Look, how about you try it yourself?" Bee asked, very politely. I gave him points for keeping his temper. Jinetta was doing her best to provoke him into an outburst. "I'll help you all I can."

"Well, that's a fly-leg's worth of meat at a banquet," Jinetta observed.

"I didn't know Pervects ate flies," Bee said, but he kept his voice low. Jinetta snarled. One point to Bee.

Tolk wasn't faring much better with Pologne. She hadn't wanted to work with him, but she declared she wasn't going to work with Melvine. Tolk wasn't thrilled with the pairing, either. I ordered them to cooperate or go home.

"How do I know she's any good at teaching?" he asked.

"How do I know you could possibly understand anything I taught?" she countered.

After sitting and staring at one another for half an hour, Tolk started demonstrating a healing technique. Out of sheer boredom Pologne began to listen to him, but she nitpicked at everything he said.

"Don't you mean close the wound?" she asked. "'Seal' the wound sounds like you're just covering it over."

"I went through an eight-year apprenticeship to learn this," Tolk growled. "Words aren't as important as deeds."

"Professor Maguffin would wash your mouth out with soup for saying something like that," Pologne spat.

"Soup? I love soup!"

"Weirdo!"

"Pervert!"

I left them alone, hoping that they would eventually gain some kind of understanding, but I doubted it. They had frozen up, and nothing I did seemed to make an impression.

Melvine and Freezia had gotten into mutual snits over his whirlwind spell, and were shrieking at each other from opposite ends of the courtyard. That had started over technique. It seemed that one of Melvine's gestures was an obscenity on Perv. I didn't know that there was a symbol for sex with multiple small animals.

I was fed up with all of them. I had sat up all night trying to figure out a way to break the ice again, and now I was too tired to do anything but supervise. Once in a while I made the rounds, offering encouragement and breaking up petty arguments, but I spent most of the time in the shade on the sidelines, sipping a glass of wine. On purpose, I had not brought the bottle outside with me. It was too tempting to get soused out of sheer frustration. I'd hinted that I'd like to know what had changed the group from teammates into bitter rivals in the matter of seconds, but they all pretended they had no idea what I was talking about.

"Cantrip!" Jinetta shouted as she hopped up onto Bee's obstacle course for the fourth time. I felt the magik in the overhead force line surge slightly. Everyone turned her way as she sauntered seemingly over thin air. Her body stretched and contracted as her feet touched down lightly, but her head stayed at the same level. "Voila!"

"Hey, pretty good," Bee said grudgingly.

"It was very good," Jinetta insisted. "It only took me four tries." She glanced at me. "All right, my turn." She went to pick up her buttermilk-colored briefcase.

"Something useful," Bee said, looking over her shoulder. "Not like how to change the color of my nails."

Jinetta glared at him. "This IS useful, you hayseed. It's really easy." She opened her snap case and began to dig through it. "You only need a piece of paper big enough to wrap around your hand." She pulled out a spiral-bound notebook.

A loud jingle attracted all of us. I glanced down as Jinetta removed the pad and stared down at a leather bag underneath.

"I smell money," Tolk exclaimed. He trotted over to sniff as Jinetta opened the bag and poured the contents into her hand. I recognized them at the same time as everyone else.

"Those are from Humulus," Melvine said.

"No!" Jinetta protested. "It couldn't be."

"It is," Tolk insisted, sticking his wet black nose right into her palm. "It's got the same scent as the money we got from Master Flink."

The tall Pervect looked outraged.

"Who put this in my bag?"

"Well, since it locks by magik," Bee said, "I'm gonna have to assume it was you."

"You, Jinetta?" Freezia looked aghast. So did Pologne.

"You must have made a separate deal with Skeeve for pay," Tolk said. "Behind our backs!"

I sprang up.

"Hold it right there," I said, advancing on them.

"Just didn't want to be seen accepting money in front of us, huh?" Melvine smirked. "So much for keeping it a teacher-student relationship."

"Melvine!" I warned.

The Cupy looked up at me in horror. "It wasn't me, Teach. I swear. I didn't do it. Ask Long Tall Sally, here. Looks like she did."

"How dare you?" Jinetta gasped, reaching for him, nails out. He threw up a wall of fire, and she recoiled. "I did NOT put it in here. I didn't touch that money! Someone else must have sneaked it into my briefcase!"

"Yeah, sure."

Jinetta whipped a knuckle-sized globe out of her bag. "Take that back, Cupy!"

Melvine fanned out his fingers. "You make me, Pervert!"

Bunny started to get up from her spot on the grass. I waved a hand to keep her from getting into the line of fire. Gleep automatically moved to protect her.

"Don't you threaten my friend!" Freezia shrieked, pointing a finger already beginning to generate sparks. Melvine cringed behind his wall of flame.

"Maybe she stole the money!" Tolk said, his brown eyes wide.

"You idiot! Her father owns the biggest carriage company on Perv," Pologne snapped.

"Who are you calling an idiot?" Bee asked. "You Pervects think you're so smart."

"We are smart, Klahd!"

I thrust myself in between them, feeling my eyebrows crisping from Melvine's spell. I dampened it with a heavy blanket of magik. "Stop it! I did not pay Jinetta anything. I didn't pay any of you anything. You turned me down, remember? Remember?"

Reluctantly, the six of them muttered, "Yes."

"Good," I said, firmly. "Now, go back to your exercise. You're making good progress. Keep it up."

"Will you swear to that?" Melvine asked.

I spun to face him. "Swear I didn't pay any of you or make a secret deal for compensation? Yes. I swear it."

His baby face seemed to crumple with disappointment. "Well, those coins are from Humulus, aren't they?"

"Bunny," I called. "Would you mind checking the strongbox and see if any of our reward money is missing?"

Bunny rose, and Gleep trotted after her, with a backward glance to make sure I didn't need him. No one moved while she was gone. When she returned, her face was grave. "Fifteen coins are missing," she reported.