Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

"Not by yourself, you didn't," Bee said. "I ate at least one bite of it."

"Tattletale!"

"Can you back up your accusation?" I asked Bee.

The rangy youth looked uneasy. "Yessir, I think so." He concentrated hard then pointed a finger upward. Unlike his previous weak attempts to channel magikal energy, this spell, or rather Dispell, packed some punch. Suddenly, we were caught in a rain of sticky globs as wriggling pieces of Pervish food fell out of the chandelier, off the ceiling, out of the gallery that ran around the upper level of the room. I brushed off a few of the crawlers, and bent the most disapproving eye I could on Melvine. The big baby cringed back into his chair.

"You said to use our imaginations," he offered feebly.

"I said to use your imagination to EAT the food, not hide it," I said. Using a wave of magik, I gathered up all the stray pieces and plopped them down in front of him. Melvine grimaced.

"Aw, come on, how can anyone eat this crap?"

"Aaggh!" Freezia cried, spitting out her mouthful of vegetables. "I tasted it! I tasted it! You—you idiot!" she shrieked at Bee, belaboring him with her spoon. "Your stupid spell took mine off, too! Ugh!" She reached for the pitcher of beer and downed it in three big gulps. She threw out her chin in defiance. "I'm done with this experiment, Skeeve. Fail me. I just can't stand it any more."

"You didn't fail at all, Freezia," I said. "You found a good solution to the problem I set. You don't have to finish the rest. See, Melvine, you can do it without cheating."

I put the forkful of food in my mouth.

"So, that was it?" Jinetta asked, her eyebrows rising as enlightenment dawned. "This is what you meant by finding more than one solution to the same problem?"

"Gah," I replied.

The Pervect frowned. "What? Forgive me, did I miss something?"

"Gaaa-aah," I repeated, with more conviction.

It was my own fault. I had been so intent on my lecture that it never occurred to me that Bee's Dispell not only got rid of Melvine's enchantment, and Freezia's, and Jinetta's, but mine, too. The swap spell had been interrupted, leaving me with a genuine piece of Pervect food on my fork. Which was now in my mouth, on its way to my stomach. It tasted worse than I had ever dreamed possible, a ragout of rotting hedgehog simmered lightly in skunk urine with a soupcon of Gleep's breath. To top it off, the creature felt as if it was growing as it went down my throat.

"Gaaa-uuuuh," I said.

Bunny gave me a funny look. "Skeeve, are you all right?"

"Igggaaaah," I stated a little more clearly, feeling my stomach rebel against the intruder, which seemed to have extended a pseudopod to explore my intestines. My abdomen contracted, pushing everything upward.

"Hoogh."

If I was lucky I might be able to run to the garbage heap outside the kitchen door before the morsel made its reappearance.

"Sguusme."

I sprang to my feet.

The next thing I knew, I was lying on my back, with the flickering flames of the dangling chandelier shooting around my vision like fireworks. The pain in my stomach was terrible. I thought my innards were ready to explode. I was about to die of Pervish cooking. I shut my eyes. Not like this, I prayed. Not like this.

"Clear!" Tolk's voice came. I opened my eyes in time to see the Canidian falling towards me, paws first. I goggled, and tried to roll away.

"Don't move!" Bunny commanded, grabbing my head. "You got a taste of your own medicine. Tolk's fixing it."

The canine landed on my belly with his weight on all four paws. I bent in the middle. The purple thing went flying out of my mouth. Pologne caught it neatly in one hand.

"A perfectly good smushlik, ruined," she said mournfully. "My mother would be heartbroken."

"Do you feel all right now?" Tolk asked, helping me to sit up.

The truth was, I did feel better. I should have been bruised from having him leap on me, but I felt a sensation of well-being radiating from my stomach.

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Dogtor magik," Tolk said modestly. "I'm a healer. That's my talent."

"That's great," I said as the others helped me to my feet. "Thank you. That food, er, just went down the wrong way."

He peered at me. "You shouldn't eat anything else this evening. You've had enough solids," he advised. "Tea, maybe."

"I'll make him some." Bunny bustled away to fill the kettle.

The others were gathered around me, most of them looking worried. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?" Bee asked.

"Yeah," Freezia added. "I hope you're not going to drop dead. I don't look forward to trying to negotiate a refund out of your business manager."

"Thanks for your concern," I said dryly. "I'm fine. Tolk was right. I just—overate."

"More than the rest of us did," Jinetta said.

"It was to make a point. Did I get it across?" I asked.

"We don't have to be led from A to B," Pologne said. "Yes, we get it. There's no one single solution to a problem."

"That's right. You all handled it in different ways," I said. "Isn't it best to choose the most expedient and practical way of getting a job done?"

"Hold on," Freezia said, flinging up her hands. "Maybe you were right once. I'm still not going to concede Professor Maguffin's method is wrong."

"Nor am I," Jinetta added. Pologne nodded her agreement.

"Okay," I sighed. "I'm not here to shoot him down. I'm just telling you what has worked for me in the real world. That's why you came here, isn't it?"

"Well, yes," Jinetta admitted.

"That's fine," I said. "For now, we'll agree to disagree."

"Say, I'm hungry," Pologne announced suddenly. "Anyone up for a snack? I know where I can get the best iodine sundaes on Perv."

A vein popped out on Bee's forehead as he strained to concentrate.

"Lift the feather," I ordered. "Levitation is not that hard. If I could learn to do it, anyone can."

The next day I had decided to do something about the wide gap in expertise between the students. Melvine and the Pervects had had basic training before they finished cutting their teeth—well, before Melvine had, anyhow. I believed that the Pervects were born with all their teeth. Bee's instruction had come from his village hedge-wizard and whatever the Possiltum Army's library of scrolls had stashed in between nudie pinups and manuals on how to strip down and repair crossbows, plus what he'd picked up from Massha. I could tell, that except for his handful of homegrown spells, all his progress in magik could be attributed to the latter.

"Good try," Bunny said encouragingly. She sat polishing her nails on a down-stuffed cushion beneath a pavilion, and offering the occasional compliment to my apprentices. Gleep and Buttercup chased one another around the inn, offering a noisy distraction that I warned them all to ignore.

"Huh," Melvine grunted. He hovered in the trees, picking leaves off and tearing them to pieces without touching them. "What good is trying? Magik is about succeeding."

I glared at him. "Don't show off, Melvine. Couldn't you try to help?"

"Fine," he said. "Look, Klahd, just lift the feather. There's enough magik floating around here to raise the Titanic. Use some of it."

"But I don't know when I'm putting enough magik into it," Bee said.

"All right, let's add a wrinkle. We'll give you resistance to work against. It'll be good practical experience for both of you."

"It's not practical experience," Jinetta insisted. "These are just exercises. We used to do them all the time."

"Everything's practical. Bee, you push up on the feather. Jinetta, you push down."

"There's nothing to that," Jinetta said.