Robert Asprin - Class Dis-Mythed

"See," I said, as I chewed. "Nothing to it." I swallowed hastily. "So, how was your day, Bunny?"

"Er, fine, Skeeve. Did you see anything interesting on Sear?"

"Not much," I admitted, 'enchanting' another piece of meat. "You've seen one arid desert landscape, you've seen them all."

Bunny pursed her lips in a little smile. "I only like sandy terrain when it's close to the ocean. Don't you, Tolk?"

She distracted the Terrier from his stalking of the corned beef. He was winning the contest, but just barely. "Grrrrr— Uh, yeah! I like to run in the waves. Good smells! Good smells! Yip!" He bit into a cluster of broccabbage, and it squirted butter all over his face. "It sprayed me! I must spray it back." He clambered up onto the bench, and prepared to raise his leg.

"No!" I burst out, levitating out of my chair and pulling him down. "It's good. Really. Just calm down. Look, you almost spilled the beer. Just sit down." I patted him on the head. The vegetable lay inert where he had dropped it. "See? It didn't mean any harm. Go on."

The canine shot several looks of distrust at the vegetables, but he returned to his seat. "Okay. You're the boss."

The Pervects snickered to themselves and shot meaningful glances at one another. Their expressions changed as they returned their attention to the food. Pologne looked like she might faint. Jinetta wore a skeptical expression. Freezia seemed so hopeless I thought she was going to give up and leave the table.

Bee had taken my instructions literally. After watching in astonishment that turned inevitably into horrified disgust at the attempted escape of his entree, he thwacked each bite of Pervish food firmly with the heavy end of his spoon. Then, with his eyes squeezed firmly shut, he gulped down the mouthful.

"How are you doing, Bee?" I asked.

"Okay, sir," he gasped out, cracking one eye. "Sometimes we got food as bad as this in mess, sir!"

"Carry on, then."

"Yes, sir!"

"I saw a prediction of bad weather in the crystal ball today," Bunny said, taking a delicate forkful of food. "It's supposed to hail tomorrow in the middle of the afternoon over most of western Klah."

"We'll work inside, then," I said. "Did you see anything else interesting?"

Tolk gulped the rest of his meal down in five bites, then gazed over his empty bowl at everyone in turn with big, sad, puppy-dog eyes. I didn't know if he was hoping for leftovers, or he had a bellyache from eating the strange food. No question about Melvine; he was in a full-scale sulk, peering down at the squirming objects in his bowl. He had only eaten one of them. I could tell that he was trying to figure out a way to persuade me not to make him eat the others. I calmly beamed another 'bite' from the kitchen and went on with my meal. Bunny and I went on with our conversation, doing our best to include our visitors.

"Oh, yes, I did see something fun, Skeeve! The semi-final of Sink or Swim: Imper was on the Crystal Ball Network last night," Bunny said gleefully. "Five full-grown Imps knocked on their fannies by one itty bitty female Gremlin. They were all disqualified at once. They should never underestimate girl power. Right, Freezia?" she asked, turning to the Pervect on my right.

The medium-sized student didn't reply.

"I'd have said, don't underestimate Gremlins," I chuckled, picking up the verbal ball and running with it. "I'm surprised she was visible for the crystal ball. Gremlins are hard to spot." I knew; I'd met a few in my time.

Bunny broke off a crust of bread. "Oh, well, they have magicians with several crystals focused on the site at the same time," she explained. "And a master magician coordinating the images to transmit to all of us viewers. She couldn't possibly keep out of sight of all of them at once. She goes on to the final contest with two or three others. The Deveel, the Gargoyle, and I think one other. It's so exciting! I wonder how they think of all the contests they have to go through!"

With the inevitable before them, the other students were finally letting themselves experiment. Freezia was trying out a sense-deadening spell so she didn't taste anything. She had to be careful not to bite her tongue or eat her own fingers. She bit the bowls off two spoons before she finally got the hang of eating, and was making steady if unhappy progress.

Pologne went the other way in terms of sensory input. She did a reanimation spell on the green meat. It jumped and writhed just like a genuine Pervish meal. She seemed to get some satisfaction out of chasing down and stabbing the chunks of meat, even if they were the wrong color and wrong texture. Jinetta threw an illusion on her food so it looked like and even smelled like the real thing. Pologne was still keeping her eye on me.

"I think Sink or Swim is kind of silly," I said. "I know crystal ball viewing is becoming more popular throughout the dimensions. I prefer seeing events in person."

"Well, we can't all get to where things are happening, Skeeve," Bunny said. "And if we did, there's no guarantee you would get a view as good as the magicians give us. Did you ever gaze while you were at college?" Bunny asked Jinetta.

The tallest Pervect froze. To cover her sudden discomfort, she speared some of her food. "Not much," she said shortly. She popped the wriggling mass into her mouth. "I did at home."

"Well, what did you like?"

"Er, nothing much." She stopped to spear a gooey pink organism that was probably a piece of corned beef in disguise.

"How about you, Tolk?"

"Not allowed on the couch," the doglike male said in some embarrassment. "I like to chew on the cushions, and Mama just didn't put up with it. I'm hoping to break the habit. I'm down to one throw pillow a day, but it's hard."

"That's tough," Bee said sympathetically. "I used to bite my nails as a kid. Papa cured it by painting iodine on 'em."

"Why would that help?" Jinetta asked. "Iodine's delicious. I like it on ice cream."

"Finished!" Melvine announced, pushing his empty bowl away. "How about that, Teach?"

I raised my eyebrows. The food was gone. I probed the dish with a mere thread of magikal energy, but it was really empty.

"Hey, wow, terrific, Melvine!" Tolk cheered, always ready to offer encouragement. "Way to go!"

"Impressive, Cupy," Pologne said grudgingly.

"Mmm," Freezia murmured, keeping her attention fastened on what she was doing.

"Well done, Melvine," I said, enchanting a new piece of food and impaling it on my fork. I even made it wiggle for effect.

"Thanks, Teach," the big baby said, leaning back with his hands interlaced behind his head. "Say, that was weird. But, you know, I'm still hungry. I could go for a big bowl of mush. How about it?"

"Maybe you oughtta eat the rest of your dinner first, Mel," Bee said unexpectedly.

The Cupy sat up suddenly. "Huh?"

"Well, I noticed something go whizzing by my nose a minute ago, and I'll swear it smelled like this," Bee said, holding out a stunned glob of goo. "In fact, a while before that, one of 'em landed flat in my plate."

"Why didn't you say something, Bee?" I asked, even though I could have quoted his answer almost word for word.

The sincere brown eyes met mine. "Soldiers in a unit don't rat on each other, sir. But one of these days Miss Bunny's probably gonna find pieces of rotting food stuck around this room. Not that they could smell much worse than they do fresh."

"Watch it, pal," Pologne said.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," Bee said, his cheeks reddening under their freckles. "You don't like my kind of food any more than I like yours, but a task's a task. I learned that on the farm before I learned it in the army."

"Why, you sanctimonious little prat," Melvine said, nastily. "I ate my whole meal all up. See?" He brandished the empty dish.