Terry Pratchett - Making Money

'You want to put us on the golem standard?'

'Certainly! Look at them! How much are they worth?' shouted Moist, as his horse reared very convincingly. 'They could build canals and dam floods, level mountains and make roads! If we need them to, they will! And if we don't, then they'll help to make us rich by doing nothing! The dollar will be so sound you could bounce trolls off it!'

The horse, with an astonishing grasp of public relations, reared again as Moist pointed at the labouring masses.

' That is value! That is worth! What is the worth of a gold coin compared to the dexterity of the hand that holds it?' He replayed that line in his head and added: 'That would make a good strapline on page one, don't you think? And it's Lipwig with a G!'

Sacharissa laughed. 'Page one is already crowded! What's going to happen to these things?'

'They stay here until cool heads decide what to do next!'

'And what are they guarding the city from right now, exactly?'

'Stupidity!'

'One last thing, Moist. You are the only one who knows the secret of the golems, yes?'

'Inexplicably, this seems to be the case!'

'Why is this?'

'I suppose I'm just a very persuasive person!' This got another laugh.

'Who just happens to command a huge unstoppable army? What demands are you going to make?'

'None! No, on second thoughts a coffee would be nice. I didn't have any breakfast!' That got a much bigger laugh from the crowd.

'And do you think the citizens should be glad it's you in the saddle, as it were?'

'Hell, yes! Trust me!' said Moist, dismounting and lifting a reluctant Mr Fusspot from his perch.

'Well, you should know about that, Mr Lipwig.' This got a round of applause. 'You wouldn't care to tell us what happened to the gold from the bank, would you?'

' 'e's wearin' it!' shouted a wag in the crowd, to cheering.

'Miss Cripslock, your cynicism is, as ever, a dagger to my heart!' said Moist. 'I intended to get to the bottom of that today, but "best-laid plans" and all that. I just don't seem to be able to clear my desk!'

Even this got a laugh, and it wasn't very funny.

'Mr Lipwig? I want you to come with me…' Commander Vimes shoved his way through the crowd, with other watchmen materializing behind him.

'Am I under arrest?'

'Hell, yes! You did leave the city!'

'I think he could successfully argue, commander, that the city has come with him.'

All heads turned. A path cleared itself for Lord Vetinari; paths do for men known to have dungeons in their basements. And Adora Belle hobbled past him, threw herself at Moist and started beating on his chest, shouting: 'How did you get through to them? How did you make them understand? Tell me or I'll never marry you again!'

'What are your intentions, Mr Lipwig?' said Vetinari.

'I was planning to hand them over to the Golem Trust, sir,' said Moist, fending off Adora Belle as gently as possible.

'You were?'

'But not the golem horses, sir. I'll bet they are faster than any flesh-and-blood creatures. There are nineteen of them, and if you'll take my advice, sir, you'll give one to the king of the dwarfs, because I imagine he's a bit angry right now. It's up to you what you do with the others. But I'd like to ask for half a dozen of them for the Post Office. In the meantime, the rest of them will be safe under ground. I want them to be the basis of the currency, because—'

'Yes, I couldn't help overhearing,' said Vetinari. 'Well done, Mr Lipwig, I can see you've been thinking about this. You have presented us with a sensible way forward, indeed. I have also been giving the situation much thought, and all that remains is for me—'

'Oh, no thanks are necessary—'

'—to say arrest this man, commander. Be so good as to handcuff him to a sturdy officer and put him in my coach.'

' What ? said Moist.

'What?' screamed Adora Belle.

'The directors of the Royal Bank are pressing charges of embezzlement against you and the chairman, Mr Lipwig.' Vetinari reached down and picked up Mr Fusspot by the scruff of his neck. The little dog swung gently back and forth in the Patrician's grasp, wide eyes open wider in terror, his toy vibrating apologetically in his mouth.

'You can't seriously blame him for anything,' Moist protested.

'Alas, he is the chairman, Mr Lipwig. His paws are on the documents.'

'How can you do this to Moist after what's just happened?' said Adora Belle. 'Hasn't he just saved the day?'

'Possibly, although I'm not sure who he has saved it for. The law must be obeyed, Miss Dearheart. Even tyrants have to obey the law.' He paused, looking thoughtful, and continued: 'No, I tell a lie, tyrants do not have to obey the law, obviously, but they do have to observe the niceties. At least, I do.'

'But he didn't take—' Adora Belle began.

'Nine o'clock tomorrow, in the Great Hall,' said Vetinari. 'I invite all interested parties to attend. We shall get to the bottom of this.' He raised his voice. 'Are there any directors of the Royal Bank here? Ah, Mr Lavish. Are you well?'

Cosmo Lavish, walking unsteadily, pushed his way through the crowd, supported on one arm by a young man in a brown robe.

'You have had him arrested?' said Cosmo.

'One uncontested fact is that Mr Lipwig, on behalf of Mr Fusspot, did formally take responsibility for the gold.'

'Indeed he did,' said Cosmo, glaring at Moist.

'But in the circumstances I feel I should look into all aspects of the situation.'

'We are in agreement there,' said Cosmo.

'And to that end I am arranging for my clerks to enter the bank tonight and examine its records,' Vetinari went on.

'I cannot agree to your request,' said Cosmo.

'Fortunately, it was not a request.' Lord Vetinari tucked Mr Fusspot under his arm, and went on: 'I have the chairman with me, you see. Commander Vimes, conduct Mr Lipwig into my coach, please. See that Miss Dearheart is escorted safely home, will you? We shall sort things out in the morning.'

Vetinari looked at the tower of dust that now enveloped the industrious golems, and added: 'We've all had a very busy day.'

Out in the back alley behind the Pink PussyCat Club the insistent, pumping music was muffled but still pervasive. Dark figures lurked…

'Dr Hicks, sir?'

The head of the Department of Post-Mortem Communications paused in the act of drawing a complicated rune amongst the rather less complex everyday graffiti and looked up at the concerned face of his student.

'Yes, Barnsforth?'

'Is this exactly legal under college rules, sir?'

'Of course not! Think of what might happen if this sort of thing fell into the wrong hands! Hold the lantern higher, Goatly, we're losing the light.'

'And whose hands would that be, sir?'

'Well, technically ours, as a matter of fact. But it's perfectly all right if the Council don't find out. And they won't, of course. They know better than to go around finding things out.'

'So it is illegal, technically?'

'Well now,' said Hicks, drawing a glyph which flamed blue for a moment, 'who among us, when you get right down to it, can say what is right and what is wrong?'

'The College Council, sir?' said Barnsforth.

Hicks threw down the chalk and straightened up.

'Now listen to me, you four! We are going to insorcize Flead, understand? To his eternal satisfaction and the not inconsiderable good of the department, believe me! This is a difficult ritual but if you assist me you'll be Doctors of Post-Mortem Communications by the end of term, understand? Straight As for the lot of you and, of course, the skull ring! Since you so far have managed to turn in one-third of an essay between you all, I would say that is a bargain, wouldn't you, Barnsforth?'