Рис Хьюз - Madonna Park[e-book - рассказы]

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Rhys Hughes is a prolific short story writer with an eclectic mix of influences. Much of his work is of a humorously eccentric bent, often parodies and pastiches with surreal and absurdist overtones, although he is by no means limited to any of these forms and has proven to be extremely versatile.
Madonna Park is a collection of six sublime stories from a true master of words. Rhys Hughes is Wales’ best kept literary secret. Championed by the likes of Michael Moorcock, his unique fantastical fictions have already achieved the level of cult-status. His fiction is both intellectual and hilarious with plenty of puns and satirical side-swipes to keep the reader constantly amused.

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"Maybe we can live there? At least until the English go away. What do you think about that?"

"Perfect place for a redoubt," said Thomas.

"What's a redoubt?" asked Price.

"Something that is doubted more than once," ventured the other Jones, but Williams clucked his tongue and shook his head.

"Don't be daft. A redoubt is a kind of stronghold or sanctuary."

"That's clever," commented Thomas.

Bullets continued to whiz. Williams tried the front door and realised it was locked, but Hopkins noticed that a window was open. "Someone help me and I'll climb through," he said.

"That's smart," said the first Jones.

Hopkins stood on Price and clambered inside. "Dark in here. Come and join me. Hurry up!" he hissed. Williams sighed and said:

"Don't be daft. Pull us through. Give me your hand."

One at a time they were drawn into the interior of the deserted cottage. Williams groped with outstretched hands but the room was bare. Then he remembered his electric torch and turned it on. There were no furnishings of any sort but a broken light-bulb dangled from a cord in the middle of the ceiling.

Williams rummaged in the pocket of his jacket for a spare bootlace and used it to suspend his torch from the light-bulb cord. He had to ask for a volunteer to crouch down on all fours so he could stand on his back and reach. It was Thomas who finally agreed to do this. As Williams jumped down he said:

"A fine bloody pickle we're in, boyos. We can't retreat any further and if we make our last stand here, a few grenades chucked through the window will finish us all off. We've only gained a few minutes of safety. So we must counter-attack!"

"Why don't we just surrender?" asked the first Jones.

In the cone of dim light Williams displayed an ugly grin. "Don't take prisoners, the English. Heard all about it from my dad. He told me what they were like. No quarter is what we can expect from them. Blot us out, they will! We have to go back out and take the fight to them. But we'll prepare ourselves properly. Make ourselves immune to their bullets. I know a way of doing that!"

"Is it a magic dance?" asked Price.

"Daft, that is," commented Thomas, but Williams spoke over him:

"Not a dance, no, because there's no such thing as magic. Science is the only way to make things work. My uncle went to college to learn medicine, he did, and he brought back lots of those oblong things called books. I remember them well. I was only a child but I knew how to read because my mam taught me. Uncle Dewi let me read his college books and I learned secrets from them. Such secrets!"

"That's lucky," said Hopkins.

Williams nodded. "One of the secrets I learned was called vaccination. Sounds like a magic word but it's not, it's a scientific word. It means curing a disease in advance by being infected with a weaker version of that disease. The body fights the weaker version and beats it and in the process develops the ability to take on and defeat the bigger disease. We can vaccinate ourselves against the English, see?"

"How will we do that, boyo?" blinked the second Jones.

Williams smiled faintly. "Listen carefully and tell me what kind of ammunition the English are using."

The bullets continued to hiss and clang outside.

"I think it's.45 calibre," said Price.

"That's correct. Fired from semi-automatic pistols. And now tell me what kind of cartridge we use in our own guns," continued Williams.

"The size is.22, isn't it?" answered Hopkins.

Williams nodded and reached for his holster. With a deft motion he drew out his pistol and waved it in front of his men. "The English have got the bigger ones. So we can vaccinate ourselves against them, but how can they vaccinate themselves against us? They would be daft to try. One shot of this for all of us and we'll become immune to their bullets. Then we can go out and kill the lot of them. Easy when you know how…"

"That's logical," said Thomas without any conviction.

"Come on, form a queue. Not a request but an order. Want to beat them properly, don't we? You first, Jones."

"Not me, boyo," cried the first Jones but Williams shot him anyway.

"Daft!" objected Hopkins but he also got a bullet in the face. So did Price, Thomas and the other Jones. Williams licked his lips. His men sprawled on the floor in ungainly postures. Blood trickled.

"A bit sore, I suppose," he said sympathetically.

He waited a whole minute, then he frowned. "Come on, get up. We have to go out and face the English. No need to be scared, you're immune now. What's the matter? Having a rest first, are you? Fine, but don't make it too long. Be here soon, the English will."

His men still didn't stir. Their eyes held a glazed look.

Williams sighed. "I'm going to vaccinate myself now and the moment I've had my shot, the time for resting is over. Serious, I am. You must be ready to leave when I'm done. Supposed to be fighting the English, we are. The bloody English. Do you hear me?"

He jammed the barrel into his open mouth and pulled the trigger. He fell down. His own blood poured out of his head and joined the spreading puddle on the floor. It might have been nice if that puddle had formed a significant Welsh shape, a red dragon perhaps, or a daffodil, or even a leek, but it didn't.

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