Joel Arnold - Fetal Bait Apocalypse - 3 Collections in 1

“Yeah? What’s that?”

Kelly shifted in her tube and wrapped her arms around him. She rested her head on his shoulders. “I’m pregnant.”

It took a moment for the words to sink in. His throat grew dry, his skin went numb. He felt like he was shrinking in a vast ocean. Just him, the ocean, a blank white sky.

Ju-Ju, the pink flamingo.

“Jay? I’m not joking. Say something.”

“You didn’t just miss your period again like last time?” The question sounded ridiculous — callous — the moment it left his mouth.

“Nope.” Kelly’s eyes were bright with tears. There was a tremor in her voice. “I took the test last night. Took it again this morning to be sure.”

Jay opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it. What happened to his voice?

“Wow,” he whispered.

“Okay, what is it?” Patchouli hovered over Ann, dripping water.

She hugged her knees close to her chest and studied the river.

“What’s wrong?”

Ann looked up. “I don’t know. I thought — I thought I saw something…”

“Like what?”

She shivered, then looked back to the river. “I don’t know.”

Patchouli knelt next to her. His knees sank slightly in the warm, soft ash. He put his arm around her shoulders.

She was no longer sure if she did see it. How could she have seen it? It wasn’t possible for a body to just disintegrate like that, was it? Like a balloon stuck with a pin? But she saw it. She did.

“I saw a dead man.”

Patchouli stared at her. “What? You sure?”

She nodded.

Patchouli nodded toward the forest. “Up there?”

“Yes.”

He slowly stood, his knees popping, and cautiously walked up the slight incline. “I’m not seeing anything. You’re sure about this?”

She swallowed. “I don’t know. I thought—”

“It wasn’t a fallen log or something like that? I mean it’s pretty creepy here. I’d probably be seeing shit like that, too.”

Ann didn’t answer. Maybe.

Maybe.

But no .

She saw the body clearly in her mind. There one moment, then gone.

“I hate to say this,” Patchouli said. “But I think you need a cigarette.” He took hold of her arm and hoisted her up. “Let’s catch up to Jay and Kelly.”

Pregnant. Jesus.

Okay.

Okay.

Jay’s mouth hung open. He didn’t even know what to think, let alone say. This was so out of left field. Of course, he knew these things could happen. In the back of his mind, he knew it, but—

Pregnant.

Okay.

Okay.

Kelly ran her fingers back and forth across Jay’s chest. “I wish you’d say something. Are you going to be okay with this?”

Jay closed his eyes and exhaled in one long, endless breath. Was the river still moving? It felt like he was stuck in a large eddy, turning in slow, endless circles.

“C’mon, Jay. Talk to me.”

He blinked. A smile fluttered across his lips and stuck there. He kissed the top of Kelly’s head. “Wow,” he said. “It’s just so unexpected.”

“But we’ll be okay, won’t we?”

“We’ll be okay.”

It was almost like he could see the last year of college as an object now, and it was in flames, disintegrating into a pile of nothing.

Kelly said, “I thought you’d be more excited.”

“It just needs a little while to sink in.”

“You’re sure?”

Jay nodded. He reached for the cooler and flipped open the lid. He plunged his hand into the cubes of ice and pulled out a beer. He ran the icy aluminum body over his face and neck. He gazed out at the blackened limbs and timber lining the shore. The ground smoldered. Wisps of white smoke bled into the air. He felt Kelly’s lips dance lightly on his neck.

They heard Ann scream.

To catch up to Jay and Kelly and the inner tubes, Patchouli and Ann decided to hike along the shore. The banks on that side of the river had grown steep, and they had to walk inland about five feet to be on navigable terrain.

They spotted Jay and Kelly between the forest’s charred remnants. The ash under their feet fumed.

“Damn, this is getting hot,” Patchouli said. “Like we’re on Daytona Beach in the middle of summer.”

“Yeah, but you don’t get all this beautiful burnt shit at Daytona.”

Patchouli looked back at her and smiled. “That’s my girl.”

The ground between them exploded in a burst of hot cinders.

Ann screamed.

Jay was off his tube in an instant, swimming toward shore. He called back to Kelly, “Stay with the raft.” As he neared the steep bank, he saw Ann running one direction and Patchouli the other. Between them was something large. Something moving. It was made of—

But that can’t be .

Ann’s feet seemed to stick to the ground with each step, like the earth itself was trying to stop her.

Fwoomp .

Another mound of ash rose up to her left, exploding from the ground, taking shape. Two arms. Two legs. A torso. A head.

“Patchouli!”

My God, this isn’t happening .

She wanted water. More than anything, she wanted water. Plunge her head in it and suck it down. That, and she wanted to wake up.

But she could tell from the feel of the air on her arms, the way the swirling ash distorted the sun, the way her body perspired that this was real, all too real, and she knew you can’t wake up if you’re not really asleep.

Fwoomp .

Another one burst from the ground in front of her. She froze. Watched it form. A creature shaped by invisible hands. No eyes, no mouth, no nose. Just the featureless shape of a head on a featureless body. A swirling wall of soot and ash.

What’s happening?

It opened its arms. Stepped toward her.

She swung at it. Her arm passed through it. The particles of ash stuck to her skin.

It doesn’t hurt, she thought.

She remembered the man she’d seen. What about him?

I’ve got to get to the river. Which way was it?

Fwoomp. Fwoomp.

More of them emerged.

She was surrounded.

My God, my God, how do you react to something so completely insane …

She knew this couldn’t be happening, but it was. It was.

What are they?

Surrounded…

There was only one option. She leaned forward and ran straight into one of them.

It doesn’t hurt, she thought. Maybe -

She spotted Patchouli, only twenty yards away. He was surrounded as well.

“Patch—”

She didn’t have a chance to finish his name.

The creature dispersed into a frenzied cloud and burrowed into her mouth and nose.

It coated her eyes. Plugged her ears. All she could hear was the fast rush of blood to her head.

She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move, she couldn’t—

Her insides boiled and withered within her. She crumpled to the ground. A hot intense wind lifted her body and slammed it into a pile of smoking timber.

She broke apart and scattered like a dead, brittle leaf.

Jay reached shore.

“Ann!” he called. He cupped his hands over his mouth. “Patchouli!” His voice was lost in the wind. Ash danced in the air. He grabbed hold of some thick roots, which protruded from the steep bank and pulled himself up and over. His feet sank in the soft ash. His eyes teared up as he walked through the particles of airborne soot. He coughed into his fist. “Ann! Patchouli!” What the hell happened to them?

“Jay!”

It was Kelly. She’d made the short distance to the river’s edge, dragging the raft of inner tubes behind her.

“Wait there,” Jay said. “You shouldn’t breathe this shit in.”

“What’s happening?”

“I don’t know. This ash is all stirred up. It’s hard to see.”