Joel Arnold - Fetal Bait Apocalypse - 3 Collections in 1

He smeared the lotion on her back and rubbed it half-heartedly into her skin.

“Come on, put a little muscle in it,” Patchouli said. He pushed up his sunglasses and grabbed a beer from one of the coolers. His skin was tan and smooth under a tie-dyed tank top. He helped Ann tether the inner tubes together between gulps of beer.

Damn. It was hard not to look at Ann bent over the tubes in her bright orange bikini. Jay felt his heart pump an extra liter of blood each time he glanced her way.

Kelly jabbed him in the ribs. “Stop drooling.”

Patchouli, you lucky bastard, he thought. Kelly was good looking, too, but it wasn’t all about the looks.

Patchouli held up an inflated pink flamingo about the size of a terrier. “What’s with the kid’s toy?”

“That’s Ju-Ju,” Kelly said. “My good luck charm.”

“What’s it do? Ward off the spirits of good taste?” Patchouli looped the remaining rope around the flamingo’s leg and dropped it in the water where it floated on its side behind the make-shift raft.

They loaded the two extra tubes with the cooler, towels, sunscreen, and Patchouli’s boombox.

“Make sure the box doesn’t get wet,” Patchouli said.

Ann blew him a kiss. “You can get my box wet anytime.”

Patchouli bowed to the others. “You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen. I’ve got dibs on Ann’s wet box.”

Jay barely heard them. Why did I agree to this? Why is it so hard to tell her no?

“Hey. Earth to Jay.” Patchouli cracked open a beer and handed it to him. “What’s up, bud?”

Jay took the beer. “I don’t know. This place gives me the creeps.”

“I think it’s the coolest,” Ann said. “Now how about we get our asses in the water?”

They drifted with the current, the water murky with sand and grit. But it felt cool and good on their butts and on their dangling feet and hands, while the rest of their bodies soaked up the sun.

They had followed the progress of the fire on the news for weeks as it cut a huge swath through the Calistoga forest. Bright orange flames consumed hundred year old trees in a matter of seconds, jumping from canopy to canopy spurred on by hot winds. Smoke jumpers were called in, the National Guard flew helicopters over the inferno, dumping loads of fire retardant. Fire ditches were dug.

At least a dozen vacation homes were destroyed and one small town had to be evacuated when the flames got too close. But before the fire reached the town, the winds changed direction, there were a few much needed rain showers, and eventually the fire wore itself out. What remained was one hell of a lot of ash, large splotches of it still seething.

Patchouli clapped Jay on the shoulder. “Nature’s way of cleaning up the forest. All that deadfall was like kindling.”

“Okay, nature boy.” Jay turned over on his tube. “Ya goddamn hippie.”

They all laughed.

Eventually they closed their eyes to the world and let themselves be pulled gently along by the river. Patchouli even turned off his boombox.

Okay, fuck, Jay thought. What am I gonna do? One year left of college. Then it’s off to the real world.

Hah, the real world. Doesn’t seem so real now. Who says I have to get a job right away? Why not take a year or two off? Hitch-hike across the US. Backpack across Europe. Things Kelly would never understand.

Kelly.

Shit.

“Earth to Jay.” Patchouli again. He handed Jay another beer.

Jay cracked it open and glanced at Kelly, her eyes hidden behind sunglasses, a smile on her face.

Patchouli gave him a wink and turned his face back to the sky. Silence felt right out here. When they spoke, it was like breaking the silence of an empty church.

Kelly sat up, her skin squeaking on the tube’s rubber. She pushed her sunglasses onto her forehead and squinted at the forest. “What was that?”

“What?” Jay followed her gaze.

“I thought I saw someone.”

“So?”

“I mean it looked like somebody — all covered in soot or something.”

Jay lifted his ass out of the water and scanned the decimated trees. “I don’t see anyone.”

Kelly looked up and down the shoreline. “Huh.”

“Just a shadow,” Jay said.

Kelly’s sunglasses dropped back on her nose and she settled into her tube again. It was hard to tell behind the dark gray lenses what she was thinking.

The sun inched its way up into the sky. It was hot for early September, but there was hardly anyone else out here. In July and August — at least before the fire blew through — the river was packed with tubers. College kids, high-schoolers, parents with children, oldsters — anyone and everyone took advantage of the chance to float leisurely down the cool, clean river on a hot, sunny day. But now it was deserted. The only sound was that of water swirling over the rocks and roots protruding from the muddy banks. It was as if they floated in a bell jar.

The river flowed like blood through snow. Ann slid quietly off her tube, not wanting to break the silence, and swam to the shore. Should’ve just peed in the damn water, she thought.

She slipped on a pair of sandals she carried with her and trudged over the ash. With each step, it rose from the ground and coated the tops of her wet feet. Not a lot of cover here, all the foliage having been burned away, but she squatted behind a charred tree trunk. She leaned forward to see if the rest of the gang was still in view, but they had already floated out of sight.

“Burn, baby, burn.”

She closed her eyes, swatted at the few flies circling her head, and when she opened her eyes again, she realized there was a hand sticking out from behind a blackened tree stump only three yards away. She yelped and fell backward, jumped up and yanked her bikini back up.

“Hey,” she called out, her voice shaky. “Guys?”

She stepped carefully around the huge stump and saw the rest of the man’s body.

His eyes were coated with soot, his nostrils filled with ash.

“Somebody!” She stepped quickly to the bank, and saw that the others were already a good hundred feet away. Their laughter echoed hollowly through the still forest. She cupped her hands over her mouth, took in a deep breath and yelled as loud as she could. “Hey!”

Patchouli’s head turned. He waved. Held up a can of beer.

“Patchouli!”

“What?”

“Come here!”

His voice reached her a second later. “Okay!”

Satisfied he was coming, she stepped back to the dead man. A breeze blew across her shoulders and raised goosebumps. She shivered. Forced herself to look.

What happened to him?

He was dressed in hunting gear, his exposed skin gray, blending in with the ash around him. The nozzle of a rifle stuck out of the ash next to him. Did he get caught in the fire? But she’d seen pictures of burned bodies on CNN and this guy — well, he didn’t look like he’d been burned. Looked more like he was coated with powder.

Ann lifted her sandaled foot. Touched the body lightly with her toe. The man’s skin made a rustling noise as her toe connected. When she took her foot away, he split open like a pricked balloon, his skin falling away on both sides, leaving a pile of loose ash in its wake. Ann jumped back. A scream stuck in her throat like a chunk of ice. The wind blew the ash, and the shape of the man’s body disintegrated.

She stared at where his body had just been. Jesus.

Burn, baby, burn.

“I’ll go see what she wants.” Patchouli rolled off his tube into the river and splashed his way to shore.

Jay’s eyes were closed. Kelly nudged him. “Wake up.”

“Why?”

She didn’t answer for a moment, then said, “I’ve got a surprise.”