Marianna Baer - Frost

“Other way,” he said.

I turned the other way and felt him spoon his body behind mine. His arm held me close. I tried to just breathe easily and calm down. I tried to ignore his hard-on, firm against me. I was so embarrassed. He’d never want to do this with me again. Who would?

“I’m sorry,” I repeated.

“Shhh …” he said as he ran his hand up and down my arm. “We can just lie here.”

“Really? You’re … you’re okay with that?”

I felt him kiss the back of my head and snuggle even closer, his arm wrapped around, protectively. Was there something wrong with me, I wondered, that I liked this so much better than the actual fooling around? He’ll hurt you.

“You don’t know,” I whispered.

“Huh?” David sleepy-grunted into the back of my neck.

“Nothing,” I said. “Just … good night.”

His arm squeezed me more tightly. I pressed against him and wished that, like Dorothy, I had a pair of ruby slippers to click, click, click….

IN THE MORNING, I didn’t have time to be anxious. My body and David’s body had found each other before I’d even really woken up. When I swam to total consciousness, we were kissing with a heat that my nerves had made impossible the night before. I was on top, straddling his hips, pressing against him, only the thin layers of our clothes between us, now kissing his neck and inhaling his gorgeous morning skin, which smelled like sun even though the blinds were drawn. The way I felt—it was as if while I’d been asleep, someone else had entered my body.

The minute I had that thought, though—the minute I was aware enough to analyze—a switch was flipped. Just like that, my muscles tightened. My nerves rebelled. And the shaking started again. Jesus. What was wrong with me?

“You okay?” he said when we broke away for a moment. “You seemed okay with it. I didn’t mean …”

What was I supposed to say? That I’d been okay until I actually woke up? “I … I’m fine,” I said. “I just have to get up for a minute.” When I said it, I realized it was true—I needed to pee. Bad.

I sat on the toilet seat and wrapped my arms around myself. I was conscious of the sound of pee hitting water and hoped David couldn’t hear it. After flushing, I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared into my pupils and tried to hypnotize myself into a state of calm. You chose this. You want this.

“You’re incredibly sexy,” David said as I walked back across the room. He’d opened the blinds; the morning was gray and blustery.

“No I’m not,” I said reflexively. I sat on the edge of the mattress.

“Hey. Tattoo.” His fingers lifted up the hem of my tank top. “Nice.”

“Thanks.” I smiled down at the top of his head as he inched forward and then placed his lips against my tatt. I shivered. He pulled back, rested his head on my thigh, stared up at me.

“The way you looked last night, in that dress?” he said.

The way I looked in that dress. His mother’s dress. The dress his sister loaned me. His sister, who was in a bedroom in this very house. His sister, who was jealous of the way I looked in their mother’s dress. Stop it, Leena!

“What time do you think it is?” I asked. “We should probably get up.”

David propped himself up on one arm and grabbed his phone off the night table. “Ten fifteen,” he said. “I guess we should.”

“Can you hand me my glasses?” He did. I slipped them on and stood up. “See you downstairs?”

Back on the fourth floor, Celeste’s bed was already made and there was no sign of her. Thankfully. I took a steaminghot shower. My body still felt jarred from the physical intensity of being with David. With a clearer mind, I considered the strangeness of having woken up in the midst of it. It real y was like my body had made a decision, bypassing my conscious brain. I rubbed lather over my skin and tried to imagine my hands were David’s. Tried to imagine enjoying it. I had to get over my nervousness. That shaking thing couldn’t happen again.

Before getting dressed, I put on my glasses and stared at my naked body in the full-length mirror. It wasn’t a dislike of my figure that made me nervous about being with David. Sure, I had my issues, but whatever. So what was it?

I turned around and looked at my butt, my back—my eyes stopped scanning and focused. My tattoo. I turned my gaze from the mirror to my actual body. Normally, I didn’t see myself naked with my glasses on—in the tub or shower I was half blind. So I couldn’t remember the last time I’d given the tatt a clear-eyed appraisal. It had changed. The colors didn’t glow with that depth of pigment that had made it really look like stained glass. Now they were washed out. And the black lines had thickened and bled. As if David’s kiss had reacted with the ink.

Damn. It wasn’t the most expensive tattoo, but it wasn’t cheap either. And I’d taken such good care of it. I kept staring, as if it was going to change back before my eyes.

When I was sufficiently sure it wasn’t going to, I dressed and followed the smell of bacon downstairs, into the kitchen.

Viv stood at the marble countertop island, cracking an egg into a bowl. At the table, Abby sat hunched over a mug of coffee and Cameron leaned back in his chair, reading the paper.

“Morning, sunshine,” Viv said. “Eggs? Veggie bacon? Home fries?”

“Mmm.” I got myself some grapefruit juice from the fridge then sat down next to Abby. “Hungover?” I said to her.

She nodded. “A little. Need food.”

“Hey,” I said, “have either of your guys’ tatts faded or bled?”

“Nope,” Abby said.

Viv turned from the stove. “Cam? You see my butt more than I do.”

“Looks good to me, baby,” he said.

I swirled the juice around in my glass. “Mine looks like hell.”

“Go back to the place,” Abby said. “They can fix some stuff.”

“I will. Where’s Celeste? Did she eat already?”

“Haven’t seen her or David,” Viv said.

“David’s getting up.” I tried to keep any suspicious notes out of my voice.

I wasn’t successful. All eyes turned toward me.

“And you know this how?” Viv asked.

I would have lied, but my smile and blush told the story. “We just, you know, hung out.”

Abby rested her head on the table. “Why do I always have to be right? Why, why, why?”

“So where’s Celeste?” I said. “She’s not in the bedroom.”

Viv ate a bite of eggs off her spatula then recommenced using it to stir. “Yesterday she asked me if she could take some pictures around the house. Maybe she’s doing that.”

Honestly, at that point, her absence just seemed like a gift, one I wasn’t going to question too strenuously. Especially not after David came into the room, fresh from a shower and looking ten times hotter than I’d thought before, if that was possible. I was sure I could get used to that fooling-around stuff. I was just nervous I’d do something wrong, probably. Push the wrong button, pull the wrong lever. It had been a long time since I’d been with a guy, after all. And I’d never felt as excited about anyone as I was about David. That was probably it: overexcitement.

Viv served us breakfast and we passed around the best sections of the Sunday New York Times . David’s foot found mine under the table. I skimmed through the real-estate section, fantasizing.

I was happy to ignore Celeste’s absence for as long as possible. After a bit, though, David got antsy. He called her cell and it went straight to voice mail. For once, I wished he wasn’t such a caring and thoughtful brother.

“Maybe she went to the park?” Cameron said.