Billie Mosiman - Wireman

“You be careful in Houston.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nick glared, but Shakey was too busy filling a cigar box with the leftover sticks to notice.

“Your disease won’t let you go even if the hospital does. I’ve seen your kind before. Different problems but all of them sleeping under the same blanket.” Shakey nodded to himself sagely, pursing his lips like a strict schoolmarm.

“What disease?”

“There is an infinite variety of names and categories but it all comes down to plain old insanity. Rather out-of-date, that word, but pertinent.” The old man rose from his chair, his great bulk squeezing aside the card table.

Who cares what you think?” Nick caught lamp parts as they rolled near the table’s edge. “You know books. You don’t know me.”

Shakey gave one long blink as he stared down at Nick. An arrogant smile twisted his lips. “I know everything,” he claimed, sounding more pontifical than ever. “I especially understand you, Nick. How else would I know you liked beheading those Vietnamese?”

Instantly Nick was on his feet and swinging, but the fat, trembling man was out of range. Nick’s fists punched ineffectively at the air.

“How do you know those things? You don’t know anything,” he shouted at Shakey’s retreating back. “I don’t need you, you know that?” Nick was yelling now and couldn’t stop himself. He saw the other men in the room staring and suddenly sat down. He grabbed the lamp wire and wound it around his left hand so tightly his fingertips turned blue. He sat at the card table until he was gently tapped on the shoulder and told to put away his things, therapy was over.

That evening when Nick had some time to himself, Shakey’s accusations returned to haunt him. Had he really enjoyed killing the Vietnamese that night? But he was not a soldier, he was a boy. He was just a boy and… suddenly an old memory stirred in his mind.

At the very back of she property line of the house in Bloomington, Texas, stood a weeping willow, its tentacle-like branches brushing the earth. Nick thought the willow was his secret hideaway where he could brood or daydream or, on his particular day, jerk off. Daley spread apart the branches and discovered his brother lying on his back locked in the throes of a sexual odyssey. Daley left as quickly and quietly as he could.

“Daley! Come back here!” Nick called.

When the willow curtain parted a second time, Nick was sitting up trying to adjust his jeans. “You tell and I’ll beat you to a pulp,” he warned.

Daley’s gaze wandered everywhere but to his brother. “I won’t tell,” he promised.

“I bet you do it too. Come sit with me.”

Daley shook his head, clearly embarrassed. Nick gestured impatiently until Daley sat opposite him, studying his grubby fingernails.

“Don’t lie to me, Daley Ringer. Ain’t nobody your age who ain’t done it. It’s nothing dirty, you know. It’s natural.”

Daley refused to admit he too was no stranger to the joys of masturbation.

“What do you think about when you do it? You think about girls?” Nick asked.

Daley turned his head and watched the green limbs sway in the wind. He had not admitted a thing, but Nick clearly knew anyway.

“Sometimes,” Daley finally said.

“I don’t.”

Daley looked at his older brother in surprise.

“Nah, who cares about sticking it in girls? I think about doing it to a… a goat, sometimes.” Nick’s voice began to falter as he saw from Daley’s face that what he was confessing appalled his brother. A sense of shame engulfed him, and he felt dirty, ugly. “Don’t look at me that way, Daley! I was just joking around. God! Just to see what you’d say, that’s all. Who would want to do it with an animal anyway? I read about it in one of Dad’s books. One of those stupid nasty books. People can’t really do it with goats, I was lying,”

Daley got up slowly. He looked old beyond his years.

“Hey, let’s make a deal, huh?” Nick quickly stood up and tucked in his shirt. “This will be my place and you keep other kids away from it. Okay? You find a place and I’ll guard it for you. Good idea, you think?”

“Sure, Nick. That’s a good idea.” Daley looked listless and vacant. The two boys ducked beneath the willow curtain and into the June sunshine.

Later that evening a depression had fallen over Nick like dense fog. His confession to his brother could not be erased. It nagged at him and his mood darkened. Self-pity plunged him into despair and he hated everyone. Daley tried to cheer him up by offering to spend his savings of fifty-two cents downtown, to play baseball, to go scouting for treasure in the town dump. Nick kicked the dusty ground with his feet and shook his head at all the suggestions. Finally Daley gave up and went indoors to read comic books.

Nick disappeared for an hour. When he returned home, the depression had lifted. He smiled at his brother sprawled on the floor and sat down beside him to look over the comics.

Daley was acting funny, jerking his head toward the kitchen. Nick tried to read the silent message. “What is it?” he asked. Daley did not have time to answer.

Their mother burst into the room, her face livid and bruised-looking from crying. Suddenly Nick understood his brother’s anxiety.

“Mrs. Gardner called. I’m going to send you off, Nicholas Ringer. Do you hear me? You keep pushing me and by God, I’ll send you away from here!” she screamed.

Nick got to his feet, a sullen look creeping into his eyes. So that was it. He had been caught.

“I don’t care what you do,” he said defiantly. He was fourteen and taller than his gray-haired mother. She was no threat.

Daley was standing too. “Ma, please.”

“You shut up. What help are you anyway?” Mary Ringer demanded.

“He didn’t mean it, Ma.”

“Always taking up for your no good brother. You’re supposed to watch him. Your own father left us because of this… this… Nick! Are you listening to me?”

Nick met her stare.

“I should slap your smart-aleck face. Why do you do things like this? I can send you off to a home for juvenile delinquents, you know that, don’t you?”

Nick held her stare. Daley touched his mother’s arm, trying to divert her attention.

“You get away from me,” she shouted at the younger boy. “I told you to watch him. Now he goes off and gets caught strangling Mrs. Gardner’s dog! You think she’s going to overlook it? Why do you do it? Are you just out of your mind?” Her face was turning purple with rage.

Nick saw she was losing control a split second before she raised her hand to him. He was quick as he caught her wrist.

“Don’t ever hit me again,” he said, growling from deep within his throat.

Their arms trembled for a moment, Nick pitting his new-found strength against his mother. Suddenly she broke his grip and, flinging Daley aside, rushed from the room crying.

“Oh, Nick.” Daley sank to the floor. He rolled a comic in his hands, then threw it across the room.

“Don’t ‘Oh, Nick’ me. I don’t owe her nothing.”

“You wanna get sent sway?”

“She can’t do that. She’s bluffing. Don’t worry about it.” He scooped a Superman comic from the floor and flipped through the pages. Daley did not have to know how relieved he was. “She can’t do anything to me. No one can.”

“No one can,” Nick mumbled into his crisp white hospital pillowcase as he squirmed on the bed, remembering that day. His fists were balled, his fingers growing numb. He flung one arm over his eyes. He had been so brave that day. But before that confrontation and during all the years of his childhood he had not been able to defend himself against injustice. There had been so many times when his mother deliberately hurt him one way or another.