Koji Suzuki - Loop

It hit Kaoru that Reiko had invited him up as someone for her son to talk to. He should have realized it before.

It was Reiko, not Ryoji, who had piqued Kaoru's interest. Kaoru didn't know much about women, but he'd sensed something sexual, some kind of desire, in her unwavering gaze. She had full lips and wide, alluring eyes that drooped a little at the corners; her breasts weren't especially large, but still there was something undeniably feminine in her five-foot frame. She had a refined air about her that he hadn't found in women his own age, and it aroused something within him.

In comparison with that, there was nothing for him to hold onto in Ryoji's gaze. As he sat down facing the boy in the proffered chair, he was astonished at how little light the boy's eyes held. Ryoji didn't even try to meet Kaoru's gaze. He was looking in Kaoru's direction, but plainly he wasn't seeing anything. His eyes looked right through Kaoru, their gaze wandering across the wall behind. For a long time, they wouldn't focus.

Ryoji set his book down on his knee with a finger still stuck in between the pages. Trying to find something to talk about, Kaoru leaned forward to see what the boy was reading.

The Horror of Viruses.

Patients want to know as much as possible about their illness. Ryoji was no exception. Naturally he was concerned about this foreign thing that had invaded his body.

Kaoru informed the boy that he was a medical student, and asked him a few questions about viruses. Ryoji answered him with a level of accuracy and detail astonishing in a sixth grader. Clearly he understood a great deal about viruses. Not only did he understand how DNA worked, he even had his own views on matters at the farthest reaches of current knowledge about the phenomenon of life.

As they went back and forth, questioning and answering, Kaoru began to imagine he was looking at a younger version of himself. He looked on this child, armed with scientific knowledge, the same way his father had looked on him. Kaoru felt like an adult.

But it wasn't to last long. Just as they had warmed up to each other, just as the conversation was really taking off, Ryoji's nurse showed up to take him to an examining room.

Kaoru and Reiko were alone now in the small sickroom. Kaoru was suddenly fidgety, while Reiko, who had been leaning on the windowsill, now coolly came over and sat down beside the bed.

"I had no idea you were twenty."

Kaoru had mentioned his age during his conversation with Ryoji; Reiko had noticed. Kaoru was always being told he looked older than he was; he was used to it.

"How old do I look to you?"

"Hmm. Maybe about five years older…?" She trailed off apologetically, afraid she'd offended him.

"You mean I look old?"

"You look mature. Really… together." To say he looked old might hurt him; to say he looked "mature" would sound like a compliment, she evidently figured.

"My parents got along well when I was growing up."

"And that makes kids look older than their age?"

"Well, they always looked like they'd be happy enough to be left alone, just the two of them, so I had to learn to be independent pretty early."

"Ah." Reiko's expression said she wasn't convinced. She looked at her son's empty bed.

Kaoru found himself thinking about Reiko's husband. Something about Ryoji suggested that he didn't have a father. Maybe there had been a divorce, maybe he'd died, or maybe he'd been absent from the start. In any case, Kaoru had the impression that Ryoji's relationship with his father was, at the very least, extremely attenuated.

"In that case, maybe my son will never become independent," said Reiko, still staring at the bed.

Kaoru braced himself and waited for her next words.

"It was cancer…"

"Oh." He had expected that.

"It was two years ago. Ryoji didn't mourn his father's death one bit, you know."

Kaoru could understand that. The kid probably hadn't let her see him cry once.

"That's how it is sometimes."

But he didn't mean it. When he imagined his own father's death an uncontrollable sadness came welling up from the depths of his heart. He wasn't sure he'd be able to overcome it when he faced the actual event. He realized that, at least in that sense, maybe he wasn't all that independent yet himself.

"Kaoru, would you mind…" Reiko trailed off again, fixing him with a clinging gaze. "Would you mind watching over his studies?"

"You mean, as his tutor?"

"Yes."

Teaching children was his specialty, and he had time for one or two more students. But he wasn't sure Ryoji actually needed a tutor. Just from their brief talk together it was obvious that Ryoji was far more capable than other students his age.

But it wasn't only that. If the cancer had already spread to his lungs and his brain, Kaoru knew that all the tutors and all the studying in the world wouldn't make any difference in the end. There was no chance that this kid would return to school. But then, maybe that was precisely why she wanted to hire a tutor, in the hopes that letting him prepare to go back to school and resume his studies would restore his faith in the future. Kaoru knew how important it was for those surrounding the patient to show by their actions that they hadn't given up hope.

"Sure. I have time to come by twice a week, if that would do."

Reiko took two or three steps toward Kaoru and placed her hands demurely in front of her, one over the other. "Thank you. Not only will it benefit his schoolwork, but I'm sure he'll be happy to have someone to talk to."

"Okay, then."

No doubt Ryoji didn't have a friend in the world. Kaoru could understand, because he'd been the same. He'd been just a little of a social outcast at school. But in his case, he'd had a good relationship with his parents that had saved him from feeling lonely. Crazy as his father could be, he'd been the best possible conversation partner for Kaoru. With his father and mother around, Kaoru hadn't been inclined to wonder why he'd been born into this world. He'd never had doubts about his identity.

What Reiko sought in Kaoru was a father figure for her son. Kaoru didn't have a problem with that. He was confident he could play that role, and do it well.

But, he wondered: Does she also want a husband figure for herself?

Kaoru's imagination began to run away with him. He wasn't as confident on that score. But he wanted to at least try to be the man Reiko needed.

They arranged a date and time for his next visit. Then Kaoru left Ryoji's hospital room.

Kaoru and Ryoji ended up talking with each other a lot, even outside their scheduled lessons. Usually their talks ended up focusing on general science topics. Kaoru was reminded of his own childhood, when his desire to understand the world had led him to delve deeply into natural science.

At one time, Kaoru had desired to formulate a system or theory that would encompass and explain things normally dismissed as non-science-paranormal phenomena. But the more he learned, the more he came to see that no matter what unified theory he came up with, there would still be phenomena that couldn't be accounted for within it. That realization combined with his father's illness turned his exploring impulses into an interest in a practical field of study, namely medicine.

Kaoru snapped out of his reverie and looked at Ryoji, a younger fellow inquirer into the workings of the universe.

Ryoji was sitting cross-legged on his bed as always, rocking gently back and forth. Reiko was in a chair by the window, watching them talk, and she must have been fairly sleepy, for she'd started moving her head back and forth in time with her son's movements.

"So is that what you're interested in right now?"

Ryoji had been peppering Kaoru with questions about genetics.