Lachlan Walter - The Rain Never Came

‘Don’t you get it?’

I didn’t answer because I didn’t get it, as confused as a roo caught in a bushfire.

‘Fuck, mate, do I have to say it?’

I still didn’t answer.

‘Bill, I was one of them.’

‘You were one of what?’

He raised an eyebrow, waved around the room. Everything started to make sense; I didn’t need him to repeat himself or explain himself. All I needed was a moment to let his words sink in.

But it was as if he needed to say it.

‘A Creep, Bill. I was a Creep.’

And just like that, everything slowly started to numb. Not a frozen-in-amber numb or the numb of deep sleep, but a dulling numb that fell over everything—my body, my feelings, my thoughts. It rendered me a spectator in my own story; all I could do was sleepwalk through it, watching helplessly as my life suddenly made no sense.

I opened my mouth to say something—anything—but nothing came out.

‘Are you happy now?’ Tobe asked.

He looked at me, his eyes cold. I had to look away.

‘Or would you like to know the rest?’ His voice had regained a little of its vinegar.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked stupidly.

Tobe started babbling again. ‘That night when it all turned to shit—when your folks took the easy way out, when we lost her in the dark, when I disappeared—well, I headed to Bendigo. I’d heard about a ruined chemist, thought I might find some antibiotics or sedatives, anything to help ease her pain. I’d barely been gone a day when I got caught in a sweep. Same as we did, Bill, after the bridge fell.’

I said nothing, stared at him blankly. Why hadn’t he told me this before? I expected to feel anger, hate, rage, betrayal. There was nothing but an emptiness, and a feeling that at any moment I might come untethered from the earth and simply drift away.

‘Anyway, those bastards hauled me up here, same as they did to the three of us.’

The thought of Ruby broke my numbness. How would she react to Tobe’s news? Badly, I guessed. Without even rationally thinking about it, I decided to try to keep it from her.

‘You’re a right bastard, Tobe,’ I said. ‘How could you lie to us?’

Once more, Tobe ignored me and kept on babbling. ‘Stuck in this shithole while she was out there suffering, I lost it pretty quick and started putting my hand up for a fight. I wasn’t a man, I was barely out of my teens, I didn’t know how to let go. My anger made me strong—I beat almost everyone I faced.’

I wanted him to be lying; that kind of bloke couldn’t be someone I loved like a brother.

‘The rest of the time, I tried to think of ways of busting out. I made it in the end, but they caught me pretty quick. I figured I was in deep shit, but they’d taken a shine to me—I put three of them in hospital before they took me down, not bad for a scrawny teenager, exactly the kind of tough they wanted. So they gave me a choice.’

‘The commander…’ I said hollowly.

Tobe smiled sourly. ‘Same rank, mate, different bastard. Same kind of bastard, though.’

‘And you chose this?’ I asked, waving around with an arm as heavy as lead.

Tobe frowned. ‘Yeah, I did. Wouldn’t you?’

That broke the numbing wall, tore through the veil of distance that lied to me, told me that everything was okay.

‘I would never become one of them. Never.’

He hung his head. Once again, his voice became a hoarse whisper. ‘Yeah, well, like I said—sorry.’

‘Fuck you.’ I said it to him quietly, hoping that cold anger would hurt him more deeply than hot rage.

‘I guess I deserve that.’

I didn’t reply, didn’t want to mollify him or absolve his guilt. Angry and sad in equal measure, all I wanted were answers. I wanted to know why. If he wouldn’t tell me, then we were done.

‘Why didn’t you go AWOL the first time they sent you out?’

‘And do what? Go home? Mate, I spent almost a year here before I tried busting out. In that time, you’d either worked some magic and fixed up her wounds, or you hadn’t and the gangrene and infection had done their work.’ He looked up at me. ‘I couldn’t face you if she was dead, and I couldn’t face her if she wasn’t.’

He once again lowered his head. I didn’t shed a tear for him. What I wanted was to hurt him as badly as he had hurt me, no matter the cost.

‘But you came back in the end. What happened? One day you just decided to pop in and say g’day? Bit late, don’t you reckon?’

He started to curse me. And then he held his tongue, thinking better of it. ‘I did some bad things, Bill. Some really bad things. And I did them with a smile.’

My face fell, even though some part of me refused to believe what I was hearing.

‘When love’s dead, when it’s gone and gone forever, something has to take its place.’

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. ‘Bullshit. I know you, Tobe. You’re not like that.’

Did I know him?

‘No bullshit, Bill. You can’t imagine what it’s like out there, what it does to you.’

His voice was quiet, collected. Any hope I had that he was merely spinning a yarn disappeared in an instant.

‘You bas…’

He cut me off. ‘I’m not a bad guy, Bill, not by nature. But even when I chose to be one, there were still things I wouldn’t do.’

‘I couldn’t care less!’ I shouted, horrified. ‘Did you hurt people, Tobe? Is that what you did? Were you like those bastards that killed your dogs?’

He ignored me, kept on with a story that fought to be told.

‘One day they put me on the spot. I tried to do what they wanted, that’s how bad I’d become. But something happened, something clicked, and I couldn’t pull the trigger. So, I hauled arse in the middle of the night and went home.’ He looked at me, spread his arms wide. ‘And you know the rest.’ Despite his tears, he still managed a smile.

‘What did you do?’ I asked again.

His smile vanished, so quickly that I thought I must have imagined it.

‘Please, Bill, let it go. I’m not that man anymore.’

And then a deafening roar tore through the air, killing the lights, plunging the cellblock into darkness.

My mouth fell open in what I imagine was a perfectly round O. Struck dumb and blind, for a moment I stupidly wondered whether the darkness was actually a new symptom of the numbness that Tobe’s confession had brought forth. The lights flickered briefly and then darkness returned, convincing me otherwise.

A siren started to sound, loud enough to reach us in the cellblock. Another roar tore through the air.

‘Bill, mate, got a light?’

Of course…

‘You bastard…’ I muttered, unable to help myself.

I shook myself together and fumbled around in my pockets. I pulled out Tobe’s antique lighter then sparked it up. Tobe looked all the worse in its flickering glow—dark shadows pooled under his hollow eyes, the folds and lines of his haggard face were cut deeper than ever, old bruises on mottled skin that was pale from being locked indoors too long.

‘How about a smoke?’ he asked.

With my free hand, I reached into my pocket, pulled out his possum skin pouch, passed it over. It was almost an automatic reflex. I hated myself for it.

‘Cheers.’

‘Tobe?’

‘Hang on a sec, first things first.’

I decided to allow him that, letting him finish rolling some bush tobacco. I held the lighter out, watched him hold the smoke to the flame. I felt a certain satisfaction as he proceeded to cough his guts up.

‘Ugh,’ he groaned, doubled over. ‘I forgot how long it’s been.’

I couldn’t help laughing.

‘Yeah, very funny, thanks a lot.’

I laughed again. Tobe pulled himself together, bent back up, ground his bush tobacco out, tucked the dead nub behind his ear. He looked me in the eye and smiled an easy smile.