Lily Brooks-Dalton - Good Morning, Midnight

Sully left the comm. pod for the night and floated down the corridor toward the cupola. At least they were nearly home. Regardless of what waited for them, it was good to see their little planet through the heavy glass, its silvery moon whirling around and around like a lazy pinball. Tal and Ivanov were floating in front of the view side by side when she arrived. They made room for her in the cupola. The three of them drifted there, suspended in space, watching the blue dot where they’d begun their lives loom closer. There was a barely discernible prick of brightness near the surface of the planet, there and then gone, and Ivanov’s hand shot out to point at where it had just been.

“Did you see?” Ivanov said. “Just there—the International Space Station, I think. It must have been.”

The spark had disappeared over the edge of the earth before he could even raise his hand. Tal shrugged and buried his fingers in his beard in contemplation.

“Could be,” he said.

“Could be?” Ivanov sputtered. Two drops of indignant saliva left his lips and hovered in front of his face. “What else would it be?”

Tal shrugged again. “I dunno,” he said, “a satellite, maybe. Hubble. Space trash. Could be a lot of things.”

Ivanov shook his head. “Not possible. Too big for that.”

Sully began to back out of the cupola, not interested in playing the referee, when she saw Tal put his hand on Ivanov’s shoulder. “You could be right,” he conceded. “I’m just saying—we’ll wait for it to come round again, yes?”

Ivanov nodded and they continued their vigil, watching their looming planet. Sully was surprised to see them compromise this way, surprised and pleased—a new connection, in the midst of all this loneliness. She slipped out of the cupola. Neither of them noticed her go.

When she arrived back at the comm. pod Harper was waiting for her. She felt ambushed. She tried to hide the irritation she felt at finding him there, in what she thought of as her private space. He pointed at the last transmission from the Io probe, the telemetry she had left on her main screen when she wandered away.

“The Io probe finally kicked the bucket, eh? Death by volcano?”

Sully nodded. “Yeah, it quit on me yesterday.”

“Wanna take a break? Make some food? Play some cards?”

“I don’t think so,” she said. “I have some things to do in here, and I just took a break. But thanks.”

“I get it. It’s just that I haven’t really seen you in a while. I wanted to ask how you were doing.” Harper’s face was wide open, an invitation for her to unload, to emote, scrawled across his forehead. He wanted her to talk to him, but somehow it was infuriating. She didn’t want to be rude, or unkind, but she didn’t know how to respond, and the question itself irked her. How was she? How were any of them? They were in an impossible situation, doing whatever they could to get through—to pass from one moment to the next in a single piece: staring at Earth, listening to Earth, playing games while they thought of Earth.

The pause dragged on. Finally she said, “I’m a little out of sorts for all the obvious reasons, but I think you know that. Otherwise, I’m fine.”

“Sure, sure.” He seemed uncertain all of a sudden, as though the script he’d rehearsed in his head was no longer relevant to their conversation. “I just miss seeing you. But, you know. Take your time. Maybe we’ll see you for dinner.” He pushed past her and out of the pod. One of her machines chirped to signal an incoming telemetry delivery. The rest buzzed softly—nothing but empty sine waves.

Sully stared after Harper, immediately sorry that he’d gone. Did she have to be so brusque? So cold? Why couldn’t she articulate how she was feeling? She was ashamed but also angry—that he’d bothered her, that he’d stirred up this unexpected vortex in her chest. Her mind started spinning through memories of Devi, of Lucy, of Jack—even as far back as her mother, Jean. She had lost them all, in one way or another. Each loss returned to her as she floated in the comm. pod, adding to the whirlpool swirling over her heart until she wasn’t sure what was old and what was new. She took a breath, then another. She visualized Earth, its hazy blue outline, its rugged topography, the wisps of cloud, but it didn’t soothe her. She thought of Harper, Thebes, Tal, Ivanov—there was always more to lose. She tried to calm herself, to still the drift of her body, but the lack of gravity made it difficult to remain stationary. Her shoulder bumped one of the speakers, her hip nudged a screen, and the more she fought to be still, the more she drifted. She was fighting an absence instead of a presence, and it suddenly chilled her. Which way was up? As the floor dropped away to become the ceiling, she felt the thread of logic she’d followed throughout the mission, throughout her entire life, snap. Hard work and intelligence could not keep her safe—there was nothing she could have done, no amount of effort or foresight or skill could have kept any of this from happening. Nothing in this universe could possibly keep any of them safe. She felt her perspective darken, and again she was watching an astronaut drift away into the blackness, only this time it was her inside the suit—screaming, pleading, shaking, unable to breathe.

SULLY HAD ONLY ever had one other panic attack, after her stepfather called to tell her Jean was dead. Sully had never lost hope that they would find their way back to each other, that someday they would be in the desert together again, looking up at the stars, just the two of them. Jean would call her “little bear,” the way she used to, and they would admire the luminous craters of the moon, the swirls of the Orion nebula, the misty sparkle of the Milky Way. They would heal. They would drive home on sand-strewn roads and they would forgive each other. After that call, the fantasy that had sustained her since she was a girl evaporated. Her mother had drifted away from her somewhere between the Mojave Desert and British Columbia, but there had always been that hope. There were times when it seemed right around the corner, and when it was finally, conclusively too late, the weight of loss was too heavy to hold all at once.

She remembered putting her phone down on the kitchen counter in her first real apartment in Santa Cruz and staring into the texture of the countertop—grainy silver-gray flecks—then slowly letting her back slide down the length of the refrigerator, her legs crumpling beneath her. She remembered staying there for a long time, choking on her tears, wondering how she was still conscious, still alive. In the morning she woke up with her cheek pressed to the tile floor. She kept her gaze on the white grout between the salmon pink of the tiles for hours, thinking that if she could only keep that pattern in her mind, nothing else, she could survive the day.

She reconstructed the pattern of the tile. She let it fill her. Diamond after diamond of pink framed with white. She remembered that she had eventually gotten up off the floor, had walked to the back door and opened it. She had sat on the stoop leading down to her tiny courtyard and looked up at the sky, the crisp blue dome of it. She had found a way through. She could do it again.

When Sully returned to Little Earth that night, the flood of adrenaline had subsided and in its wake a gnawing emptiness gripped her tender muscles. Harper was still up, sitting at the long table playing solitaire. He didn’t greet her, and she couldn’t think of anything to say. She got ready for bed and climbed into her compartment. She hesitated, left the curtain open, her bare feet still resting on the floor.