Jason Morrow - Anywhere but Here

Both of them look at me as though I just grew a tree out of the side of my head.

“I can’t explain it,” I say.

“So, you can’t change what you see?” Ethan asks.

“I haven’t been able to,” I say. “But to my regret, this was only my first time to try.”

He nods at me and looks away as if he’s deep in thought.

“Seems like a pretty useless ability if you can’t change what you see,” Gilbert says. “If you’re telling the truth, that is.”

“What?” I say. “First you’re grilling me about how I might have known it was going to happen, and then you act like you don’t believe me when I tell you? What is wrong with you?”

“Just sounds a little far-fetched is all,” Gilbert says. “I don’t know what I believe.”

I don’t have to argue with anyone, but now it’s out in the open. If they want to believe me, fine. If not, fine. I don’t care. Despite my feelings, what Gilbert says rings true in my mind. If I can’t change it, then why does it happen? Or maybe I can change it, but I just didn’t do it right this time.

I hadn’t seen myself in the vision, and I know now it is because I wasn’t anywhere near Hank. I went to try and rescue Ethan. Because of that, Hank was left alone and he was bitten. But if I had just decided to stay behind altogether, then Hank might not have been bitten, right? Did I actually cause him to be bitten? Was all this my fault somehow? If I hadn’t said anything to Hank, then maybe he would still have his left arm.

A pit in my stomach grows as I think more about it. Cutting off a limb that has been bitten is not a certain way to save a life. The virus can spread quickly so it might already be too late for Hank. And it would be my fault.

I feel like I’m in one of those old movies where the townspeople are about to burn the witch at the stake. All that these townspeople lack, however, are the pitchforks and…oh yeah… anger. I swear the people here don’t even know why they’ve been assembled, much less why there’s a woman standing in the middle of the street with Paxton and the other elders on a platform, perched taller than everyone. I’m surprised that the two guards at my side decided to tie my wrists together. Do they really think I’m such a risk that I need to be restrained? I stole a gun, it’s not like I killed someone.

Everyone seems confused, especially when they look at me. I try not to look into their eyes, but it just seems to happen. I know the more I look at the ground, the more I will seem guilty. I suppose it doesn’t matter. I am guilty. I’m just not so sure that the punishment fits the crime. As I stand here, I’m suddenly aware that our old judicial system would be nice about now. I might get community service…a record. But I’m pretty sure the judge wouldn’t send me out into the wilderness full of once-human, flesh-eating greyskins, or lock me up for very long.

I see Gabe standing to the side of the platform, his rifle slung over his shoulder as usual. I stare at him long enough that he should have looked at me by now, but it seems that his eyes are avoiding me. I haven’t spoken to him since last night when he came in and told me that the elders had decided to throw me in jail. I know he couldn’t have told Paxton of his involvement, otherwise he would be standing here next to me. I wonder what he did say, or if he simply took my advice and said nothing. Maybe that’s why he’s not looking at me. Maybe he feels guilty that he’s letting me take the fall completely.

I’m surprised that I don’t feel any sort of resentment toward him. I think it’s because I know that finding a place like Crestwood is special for anyone. Getting caught was my fault. Besides, being locked up for a few months isn’t so bad. It’s better than being sent away like they had talked about doing to me. At least while I’m locked up I’ll be safe. Later, we might all look back on this and laugh.

Remember when you were new here? someone will say. You know, when you stole that gun because you were too scared to sleep at night?

Hey Remi, you’ve come a long way since your imprisonment here. I can’t believe you are lead scout now.

The leader of Crestwood did what when she was just twenty-two? Wow. I would have never thought… It just goes to show that people really can accomplish so much, even in this horrible world.

I watch as the elders stand together, Paxton looking out over the crowd, waiting for everyone to assemble as commanded. Lillian stands close to his side, no doubt hoping to look like an equal in the eyes of Crestwood. Kenneth stands to the right, talking to Avery about something, his hands moving from side to side as if it’s a very animated story. Avery grins a couple of times, glancing around nervously, too self-aware to be interested in what Kenneth has to say. I catch Gavin staring at me and when he notices that I see him, he turns his head quickly, pretending that we hadn’t connected. He doesn’t know that I heard him trying to defend me — or at least lessen my punishment. Gavin must have gained some confidence to speak up in the meeting, powered by some feeling of true justice, no doubt.

Finally, Paxton raises his hands up in the air to quiet the crowd. My stomach lurches, but my hands are remarkably steady. I already know what is going to happen to me. I know what Paxton is going to say. The townspeople are standing around, perking their ears, thinking Paxton is about to tell them some new information, but I know that the only purpose for this little show is to drive fear into anyone that might ever try to steal again. I’m standing in the middle of the street with two armed guards next to me so people will see me and remember what happened to that wretch, Remi, who stole a gun. I wonder what they will say when today is over.

I heard she was going to use it to kill Paxton.

Oh, I heard she planned to kill herself with it.

Well, you know she was planning to go on a shooting spree… she had been on the outside for a long time. That can mess with your head.

Most of them would probably think I’m crazy. And I guess I was crazy enough to break into Headquarters and steal a gun just so I could feel safe. Just so I could sleep. It’s almost as if having a gun next to me keeps the nightmares away. Without a weapon, not only do I have no physical defense, but I have no mental defense. You take away my weapons, you take away my ability to function. That’s just the reality we live in now. Crestwood is a fairytale that Paxton has created. Sure, he keeps guards around the walls, but only because he knows the truth. He would rather his people wallow in ignorance, thinking they didn’t need weapons, than arm them in case a giant herd ever does come by.

He wants complete control , I think.

I suppose, thinking back on it, that stealing the gun wasn’t worth it. There’s no chance I will have a weapon while I’m locked up, but I’m trying to look on the bright side. Maybe I need this. Maybe it’s the best thing for me to be locked away for a long time so I finally lose my dependence on a firearm. I’m sure I will have many sleepless nights, but a person has to fall asleep sometime, right?

Paxton lowers his arms as the townspeople do as he beckons and quiet themselves. He looks down at me for only a brief second before starting.

“Crestwood was here long before any of us got here,” Paxton begins. “It was founded 200 years ago by people who saw a vision of a peaceful and enriched life. It was meant to be a place of safety where people could go about their lives as normal. There was no such fear of infection, murder, or thievery. Since that time, the world has changed. Humanity has changed. However, human nature has not changed. We still want and need a place like Crestwood to offer us protection from those things. We have erected walls to keep out the infection, but the walls cannot keep out thievery and murder.