Jason Morrow - Anywhere but Here

My heart jumps when I see that he’s holding my gun in one hand and in the other, my sheathed knife. “This is just for today,” he says, handing them to me slowly. “Once you’ve proven yourself and I can recommend you to be a soldier, then you will be able to keep them on you at all times.”

I can’t help but smile. Somehow I just knew he would give these back to me. “Thank you,” I say, trying not to show my excitement. As the rifle is placed into my left hand, and my knife into my right, I feel as though I’m being reacquainted with old friends. The solid wood stock of the rifle feels perfect in my grip. Grasping the smooth knife handle brings a sense of protection, but also foreboding as I know it will more than likely meet the rotting skull of a greyskin like it has so many times before.

“The gun has been properly cleaned and the knife has been sharpened,” he says with a grin. The dimple on the right side of his cheek shows as he starts to look away and shuffle through more empty-looking bags in the back seat.

The moment is too good to be true, it seems, when a familiar, low voice cuts through the air behind me, turning my insides to ice. “I’m sure it feels nice to have your weapons back, doesn’t it?” Paxton says as he walks up to the group. Skip and Mendez stand a little straighter though Gabe barely notices the town leader. I spin on my heel, my heart beating faster.

Paxton has a tight smile on his face, one that seems forced. His dark hair is interrupted by grey near his temples, and a few days of salt and pepper stubble cover his chin and cheeks. I wish there was something I could do about the tempo of my heart. This isn’t like the throbbing heartbeat I get when Gabe comes near me. When Paxton comes close it feels like fear. Shouldn’t I feel safe when he is near? Although I must admit, the loaded silver gun in my pack does add to the tension. All he would have to do is ask, and my bag would be searched. I would be exposed as the culprit who ransacked a desk, stole minutes from boring meetings, and snatched a gun. I would never be able to explain myself to him or anyone else. But he had stolen from me. In some way, it was like taking back my things. Now, I have my weapons back, plus Paxton’s. I feel no guilt…just nervousness.

Paxton stands in front of us with his hands on his hips. “Gabe, do you have a weapon for me?”

Gabe jerks his head toward Paxton, forgetting the duffle bags in the back seat. “Pardon?”

“A gun,” he says, still smiling. “It would do me some good to get outside of these walls for a few hours,” he turns his eyes to me, “get my hands dirty.”

I look away from him, unable to shake the feeling that he knows or at least suspects me of breaking into Headquarters. Gabe catches my eye before he reaches into the SUV and pulls out a rifle and knife and hands them to Paxton. He accepts them with a smile and looks back at me.

“I suppose we’re getting a new soldier?” he asks. His smiling eyes turn to Gabe and his eyebrows turn upward almost as if to ask, why didn’t you clear it with me first?

Gabe’s eyes flick away quickly as he busies himself with the duffle bags. I’m not even sure he’s doing anything other than avoiding Paxton’s stare. Perhaps he’s even trying to think of a way to persuade Paxton to stay behind.

“We’ll see how she does,” Mendez says.

I squint my eyes at him as Mendez moves around to the other side of the SUV. Paxton stands next to me as Gabe places extra weapons in the storage space.

“How is Crestwood treating you?” Paxton asks me.

I shuffle in my feet for a moment, still standing at Paxton’s side, but refusing to let my eyes meet his. “Everyone has been very kind to me.”

“Good,” he says. “I didn’t know you had any interest in being a soldier.”

I have to look at him. It would be so weird of me to keep looking away like I have been. My eyes pull up to meet his and my pulse pounds. I shut my eyes for a brief second as if my thoughts of the gun in my bag are revealed in my eyes, playing like two tiny movie screens for Paxton to watch. He looks at me as I bite my lower lip and glance at Skip, Mendez, and Gabe getting the SUV ready. How long does it take for a vehicle to be ready to drive?

“Yep,” I say. “I’m like you, I like to get my hands dirty.” I hate the words as they pour out of my mouth like drool as though I’m brain dead. I shake my head once and try again. “I just like to kill greyskins.” It’s a lie. I mean, I would rather kill greyskins than be killed by them, but I never really want to be outside the walls. It’s not like I can just tell him that I want nothing more than to hold a gun so I don’t go insane. I might as well tell him that I was the one that stole his gun. If my blubbering hasn’t told him already, that is.

“Good,” he says again. “We need people like you out there clearing towns and villages, making room for expansion.”

“Expansion?” I ask.

Paxton nods. “Always a possibility. Always something we look forward to. The more we can expand, the more we can help others. The more we can help others, the more this world can heal.”

“You really think the world can come back from all this?” I ask, suddenly feeling a surge of confidence, though I have no good reason for it. Don’t get too comfortable. He surely suspects me , the most recent addition to the citizens of Crestwood.

“We will come back from it,” Paxton says. “It’s only a matter of time. I just want to keep as many people safe and happy until that day finally comes.”

I decide to keep my mouth shut and not tell him what I think — that the entire world was dying and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy to have a place of refuge like Crestwood. It took blood, sweat, and tears to finally get here, but that doesn’t make me an optimist. It has been three grueling years since the outbreak first happened, and it has only gone downhill from there. Most people (myself included) didn’t get much of a warning. Though the greyskins had been growing in number over the course of a week or so, many people saw their world end in a matter of one day. It was all about getting to a safe place at first. I think we that are still alive today are those that quickly realized that safe did not mean being in the company of large groups of people. Sure, it’s fine now because we understand what we’re up against, but back then…back then we were so ignorant. It was three days before I realized I had to shoot a greyskin in the head before it stopped moving…chomping…scratching.

I knew from the beginning that greyskins were once people, so the more people I was around, the better chance I had at becoming one of them. I hate thinking about those days — and they weren’t even my worst. It’s weird to think that those days aren’t over yet. Sometimes I can’t think of what is worse: the beginning where no one knew what was happening, or when we all realized what was happening — the destruction of the human race. There are always the hopeful ones like Paxton. These people still cling to the idea that someone will come up with a cure to the greyskin disease and that humanity will one day live in peace and harmony. Then there are people like me who just want to figure out a way to live and die, without ever feeling the teeth or nails of the rotting greyskins.

We stand in silence for a few moments before Gabe comes around to the other side of the SUV and hands me the keys. “You’re driving,” he says. I hold the keys in my hands as though he just handed me a report card and I already know that I’ve failed all my classes. My heart sinks into my stomach as I walk dazed toward the front of the vehicle. I don’t argue with him, I don’t say a word. I just get into the front of the SUV and start it up. Gabe sits in the front next to me while Paxton, Skip, and Mendez share the back seat.