Timothy Long - The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole

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Recipe for the apocalypse:
• Four parts Horsemen of the Apocalypse
• Three drops of bathtub LSD
• A handful of sexual perverts
• Garnish with a bunch of really hot pissed-off militant lesbians
• Add a splash of savior approved Red Bull
• Shake or stir, just don’t upset junk-monkey Phil in the process.
Serve to the demons that are currently invading the Earth. You think you know how the world ends? You don’t know shit!
Armageddon arrived on a weekday, which was really inconvenient for a lot of people, including The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. After their appearance on The Kayla Mangrabler talk show, they decided to go their separate ways and cause as much havoc as possible.
Jesus has been stuck at the craps table for three days, sipping vodka and Red Bull, completely missing the end of the world. But he is about to meet up with Death and go on a road trip that will test their resolve and their blood alcohol content.
Meanwhile, an unlikely band of heroes are headed to Las Vegas to fight the Apocalypse. Creepy Chuzz and his one-armed, addict monkey Phil are flying there in an ice cream truck. Chuzz’s best friend Leon plans to lend a hand, assuming he can escape the clutches of the insane Father Maniwhore not to mention Pestilence, who has designs on the janitor’s bathtub-LSD-addled brain.
Along the way they will encounter bouncing glory hole boxes, militant lesbians, an undead general, a flying demon named Princess Sally, hordes of zombies, and a trio of secret agents hellbent on delivering a Cease and Desist order to Lucifer himself.
They’d better hurry, because the Devil is rising in the desert, and he is hungry to start the Apocalypse that his son could not. But only if he can get it on with his giant floating glory hole. * * *

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“What had to be done. Poor Rose.” He sighs and his voice is like satin. It tantalizes and whispers dark promises.

“Who are you?”

“You know who I am. Look deep.” He whispers the last two words as though to remind her of a shared secret.

“I don’t know you from Adam.”

“Adam? That twit. He should have taken care of business all those years ago.” His voice takes on a conversational tone as if they were old friends. It makes Lorna want to turn and run. “Rose never really wanted to keep me. At first she took to me because I was her only son. Her husband, well the man who took care of me for a few years before leaping to his death, didn’t have much input. My real father was always by my side, but he stayed in the shadows as he has for many years.”

“Just let me go back to my room. I don’t care who or what you are. I just want to go and take a nap.”

“There will be plenty of time to lie down in the near future. Events are in motion that I cannot stop. Events that will see me take my rightful place at long last. My mother was just an… an obstacle. I shall miss her, but it is for the best; a kindness really. What I have done, the release I have granted her.” He pauses and looks up with a pained expression. “Am I not a dutiful son?”

His words are refined and cultured, his inflection proper for the expression of loss, but it’s a sham and Lorna can hear the lies for what they are.

Darkness whispers, tugs at her, makes her want to sit down, but she fights it off with a shake of her shoulders.

“Let me go. You sound like one of those actors in the old black and white monster movies. Except you can’t act.”

“But I’m not touching you.” He stifles a chuckle. “It would do you no good, you know. You could run to the authorities, but they can’t stop me.”

“Blah blah blah. You need a new script. I don’t care about you or your plans. I just want to go back to my room.” She stomps a petulant foot and starts to turn around, but he is beside her quick as a whip crack. His hand circles her bony arm. She turns to confront him, but the big silver ball at the top of the cane catches her eye. She doesn’t want that to be the last thing she ever sees.

“As I was saying.” His voice is right next to her ear, and she feels the back of her neck go livid as the hairs stand on end. Her body shivers again, and her knees threaten to give out.

“We had a peaceful life while my real father prepared the world for me. For him. Now he rests under the city and waits to make his move. After I make mine, of course. Father is coming back for the end of days, and I will sit at his right hand as I lead the world to oblivion, and it will be beautiful. We will rule the world and we will rule the dead.”

“What are you going to do with a dead world, sonny?” This man is wicked, but there is also madness in his words. She feels brave when she realizes he may be just a crazy person with some charlatan tricks.

“Pardon?”

“What are you going to do with a bunch of dead people and a world burned to a crisp? How will anyone live?”

“That’s the point. No one will live.”

“So you are going to rule a big empty burned-out husk of a world with daddy? Sounds like a real shindig.”

“I… eh…”

“Do you like girls? Do you plan to keep a few around?”

“I guess. I mean I hadn’t really thought about it.”

“And now Rose is dead. Rose Mary Lebouf, your own mother. For shame. She would be sad to see her only son saying such things.” Lorna may be more scared than she has ever been in her life, but she still knows how to play the disapproving mother card.

“You cannot understand.”

“Oh I understand all right,” she says and knees him between the legs as hard as she can. She may be old as dirt, but she knows this move just as she knows how to breathe.

The man’s eyes widen, and he grabs his balls while staggering back. As he stumbles, she pulls the knitting needle out of the yarn. When the man looks up again, his mouth is a snarl that emits a string of profanities so vulgar that their viciousness sears the room. His eyes are great gaping holes that transfix her and make her want to scream. They are livid, beyond hate.

Lorna swings the needle right into one of those wicked black holes. The needle thrusts through something hard before sinking into something soft. His body reverses the process in a grotesque parody. First it softens like the sly snake he was, then hardens like the corpse he is fast becoming. His hand claws at the needle, but Lorna has shoved it in so deep that he can barely get a hold on the slick piece of metal that is covered in white ooze and dark blood.

He tries to curse, but all that comes out is a hiss. Then he falls forward, and the impact shoves the needle all the way into his head until it clunks against the back of his skull. The smell of ammonia fills the room as the dead man pisses himself. The most malodorous shit Lorna has smelled in her long life floods the room. Makes her eyes water. The corpse shrivels a bit, and his hand, outstretched as if in supplication, shrinks over the bone, leaving a gray oily material behind. Lorna has an urge to touch it, but she fears the stuff will burn her.

She has just turned to leave the room when the body bursts into flame. Then it explodes, tossing her through the doorway. She smacks into the wall across the hall like a doll tossed by a child, then falls to the floor in a heap. One arm lies at a weird angle so she can clearly see her palm. It isn’t long before the pain of her broken arm, cracked clavicle and shattered hip rise to the surface of her mind. She takes a breath to scream, but her lungs feel like they are filled with glass. Her legs are numb, and when she tells her head to move it just lies there the wrong way so she can focus on a flea that is hauling ass across the floor. Better get while the getting’s good.

A groaning from under the building shakes the foundation, and then a great rolling earthquake sends her body tumbling over and over. Flames are everywhere, and when they reach her feet she is glad for the numbness. The last thing she hears as the world burns around her is a great booming voice that shatters her eardrums before the line can even finish.

“Imbecile! Fucking do everything myself…”

Quick and Greasy Like a Truck Stop Whore Leon wakes to a scream from the - фото 15

Quick and Greasy Like a Truck Stop Whore

Leon wakes to a scream from the theater below him. His eyelids snap open, and his blue eyes dilate in the near-darkness of his room, which is lit by the soft glow of a Care Bears screensaver and two strings of multi-colored Christmas lights. The scream fades into moans and sighs of ecstasy. The bass turns up, and the moans are so low that a good portion of Leon’s collection of Bic lighters and wild-haired troll dolls spills off his nightstand to the trash-littered floor below.

“LICK IT!” he yells to the floor, but a chorus of groans and passionless grunts muffles him.

He scoots off his bed, his tighty whities drooping and stained. Leon walks across his room as the screams resume loud enough to set his one small window rattling. The sounds below fade into nothing, but the hum of speakers pushes to their maximum. Leon knows the silence is just the space between scenes, the calm before and the bloodcurdling war cry that will signal the next round of fucking. He recognizes the yell and knows Jerome is watching Ugandan Midget Gangbang (most likely volume 3 or 7).

Leon reaches into his drawers and gives his pud a few halfhearted tugs before he grabs both his pairs of overalls and looks them over. The white and black striped ones have more than one inconspicuous stain, while the muddy green ones have only one. He smiles and drops the striped ones back onto the pile on the floor. He climbs into his green overalls and digs through the collection of rock tee shirts conveniently piled next to the door. He settles on his faded and worn White Lion shirt from ’87, and he slides his bare feet into his work boots.

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