Kevin Hearne - Hammered

“Stop it, Thor, that tickles!”

That was calculated to make him throw his hammer at me. Leif and I knew from experience how the male psyche works: If one weapon doesn’t work, switch to something else and try to shove it sideways through an orifice far too small to allow for comfortable entry.

The clouds above exploded with Thor’s rage, and I dimly heard Leif cry behind me, “Get ready, Atticus! Here it comes!” I could see a pale smudge against the clouds now that must be Thor in his chariot, but Leif could already see him in Hi-Def. “Now!” Leif shouted, telling me that Thor had thrown his hammer and that target lock was acquired.

That was my cue. I tossed Fragarach into the snow and leapt after it, triggering the charm that bound my form to a sea otter in the process. Mjöllnir’s targeting spell was dissolved in that instant, and simple physics held sway on the hammer now. A couple of cute otter hops brought me to my sword and I switched back to human.

“Come on, Leif!” I shouted as I picked Fragarach out of the snow.

The vampire was already out of the Finn’s seeming and paces away by the time I’d finished speaking. He had Moralltach gripped in his right hand and a savage grin on his face, fangs out.

“It’s hammer time,” I said, and then winced. “Sorry.”

“For what?”

Mjöllnir plowed into the snow in front of us before I could explain the brief popularity of MC Hammer.

Mjöllnir has a spell on it that Odin’s spear, Gungnir, does not: It’s enchanted to return to the hand of he who throws it. We were counting on it.

“Grab on!” Leif said, and I promptly dropped into the snow and wrapped my left arm around his right leg. Leif reached out with his left hand and grasped the handle of Mjöllnir, which, after contact with the earth, was already turning back in Thor’s direction. We were abruptly yanked skyward, wrenchingly so, and gaining speed. But we were headed toward a Grade A asshole who had no idea that a crime he’d committed ages ago was finally coming back to haunt him with a thousand years’ violent interest.

Thor wasn’t going to be my business; I was after the Valkyries. Twice now they had tried to snuff me without so much as a verbal challenge, and I knew they’d do the same to the rest of the party if I gave them the chance. The problem was, there were twelve of them on flying horses and only one of me, and I was hitching a ride butt naked on an airborne vampire’s leg, with nothing more than a sword. Soon the vampire would engage in battle with a thunder god, and I had to be gone by then.

My aura was the problem. If I laid hands on Mjöllnir, my amulet would most likely snuff the return spell and all other magic and leave us with a regular hammer. That would deny Thor a powerful weapon, but it would still leave us with twelve airborne Valkyries who would doom our entire party as soon as they spotted us. Curiously, though we could be shortly facing the entire host of Asgard, it was the Valkyries we feared the most, because they could choose the slain. Therefore, Gunnar had suggested this more risky stratagem during the previous night’s planning session with the frost giants. Thor’s death was the ultimate objective, but killing the Valkyries before they could pronounce sentence was the top priority.

I had a single glimpse of Thor before I had to direct my attention elsewhere. He was not the clean-shaven man Americans were used to seeing in comic books. A gnarly blond beard covered his jaw but did not extend down to his neck. There was no winged helmet, or any helmet at all. He had a thin strip of rawhide tied around his forehead to keep his long hair out of his eyes. He wore a mail shirt and a red tunic over it, belted with Megingjörd, which doubled his already prodigious strength. Járngreiper, his iron gloves, clutched the reins of his chariot as if he imagined they were our wee, stringy necks. His face was so red it practically matched his tunic; it was scrunched into constipated fury. He could not believe I was still alive and bringing a friend to the battle. As he watched us approach, he dropped the reins and hoisted a shield from the side of his chariot and secured it to his left arm.

My time was up. If Leif was to have a decent shot at Thor, he couldn’t have me hanging on to his leg. The Valkyries were riding behind Thor and below him to his right, as Leif had described. The steep ascent of Mjöllnir to Thor’s hand was bringing us to eye level with them. Once we reached that level, I tossed Fragarach high into the air and triggered my owl charm. I let go of Leif’s leg and shifted, flapping madly after my sword. Leif continued on toward Thor, and the Valkyries were now on course to fly underneath me. I saw gravity taking hold of Fragarach and slowing its ascent, allowing me to close the gap between us at the zenith of its journey. I switched back to human form, snatched the hilt out of the air, and fell naked and screaming onto the Valkyries below.

The shouted warning from the trailing riders was too late to save the second Valkryie on the near side of the V. I sliced through her skull and spine with nothing more than the force of gravity, Fragarach sliding through armor and flesh like scissors through silk. The halves of her body sheared away to either side and showered me in blood. When my feet landed on the flanks of her horse, I knelt and launched myself back up, somersaulting backward and twisting to meet the next Valkyrie in the formation. Thinking it might protect her, she’d raised her shield, but she hadn’t had enough time to process what my sword could do. I slashed through both it and her torso, again springing off her horse’s back to meet the next opponent. This one was far smarter. She just got out of the way, yanking her mount up and to her left, past my reach. I began to fall, and I twisted around to assess the situation. Two down, ten to go, formation broken and pursuing me. Whoops, make that nine! A thunderous impact and a flash of steel across my vision showed me a Valkyrie hurtling to earth with a vampire latched on to her neck, her horse plunging fatally to earth with a broken wing. Somehow, Thor had tossed Leif away to let the shieldmaidens of Valhalla tangle with him. But they were no better equipped to deal with an ancient vampire than the god of thunder was.

Twisting again to face the approaching earth, I let go of Fragarach and shape-shifted once more to an owl, breaking my fall and landing safely next to my sword in the snow. Leif and his victim impacted sickeningly fifty yards away, and he immediately leapt defiantly to his feet and roared at the sky. Four Valkyries dove in his direction, five in mine. I shifted back to human form and retrieved Fragarach, drawing on my bear charm to quicken my speed and magnify my strength. The charm was nearing empty; all the shifting had taken its toll.

The first Valkyrie came at me in an airborne cavalry charge, thinking to ride me down, but I sprang out of the path of her blade to take on the one who would inevitably follow, because it’s always the two in the old one–two you have to worry about. The second one was bearing down hard and descending to snow level, counting on her horse to trample me to fleshy bits of mincemeat. Well, I had my Irish up, so I wasn’t going to dodge this one. I bellowed incoherently, charged directly at the steed, and led with my left shoulder. My magically boosted strength slammed into it at the base of its neck and stopped it cold, flinging the astonished Valkyrie ass over teakettle to land awkwardly in the snow. The horse staggered backward, flapping its wings to keep upright. My left shoulder popped painfully out of its socket, and my collarbone shattered on impact, but my right arm—the arm with Fragarach clutched at the end of it—still worked just fine. I turned and chopped off the Valkyrie’s arms before she could rise from the snow, Fragarach’s power to cut through armor again aiding the process. She shrieked and writhed as her lifeblood squirted from her shorn shoulders, and it was precisely the music I needed. Her companions would rush in, their need to render aid and pay me back giving them a sort of tunnel vision.