Kevin Hearne - Hammered

“Gentlemen, I believe we are ready,” I told them. “Tomorrow night, we will go to the Norse plane.”

Getting five men to simultaneously touch me and the root of a tree was vaguely akin to a game of homoerotic Twister, and I almost giggled—especially since their expressions practically broadcast that they were asking themselves, “Is this gay?” That would have lost me major testosterone points, though, so I firmly refocused my mind on the task and pulled us through to the Norse plane.

This time, the Well of Mimir was being watched. An eagle let out one of those “Ee-yaahh!” cries that now remind me of the title music to The Colbert Report , and we all turned our heads to find the source.

“That’s no bird,” Väinämöinen said after a second’s hesitation. “That’s a frost giant.” His magical vision was as good as mine, if not better. When I looked at the eagle’s aura, it didn’t look like a bird of prey. It looked like a huge biped in ice blue. “You’re up, Atticus.”

I’d been elected to do all the talking, if any were to be done. Väinämöinen spoke Old Norse, but Leif spoke it better, so the vampire would act as translator to the rest of the group.

“Greetings, noble sir. May we speak with you?” I asked the eagle. “We have come to Jötunheim to have words with Hrym, if that is possible.”

The eagle leapt from its perch and turned into a towering giant, shaking the earth and sending sheets of snow into the air as it landed. He was twelve feet tall, with skin a few shades lighter than the blue people in Avatar . His beard had real hair, but it was sheathed in ice, as were his eyebrows. His tangle of dark hair was tipped with highlights of white frost. Despite his obvious cold, he wore nothing but a fur about his loins, which made me wonder: If the frost giants figured out that a fur would keep their privates a bit warmer, why didn’t they figure out that more furs would keep the rest of them warm? Did they never worry about hypothermia? Considering their elemental nature, they were most likely immune to it, and their scant clothing and shivery appearance was calculated to cause hypothermia in all who gazed upon them.

“Who are you?” he demanded. His voice was like barrels rolling down a dock.

“No friends to the Æsir,” I assured him, thinking that was probably more important than our names. I offered those next, and since he had yet to squash us into jelly, I thought relations were proceeding remarkably well.

The frost giant fixed Perun with an icy glare (what other kind of glare could he possibly deliver?). “Graah. I do not like thunder gods. Do not trust them. What words do you have for Hrym?”

“We can end the tyranny of the Æsir tonight, or the next, or whensoever the frost Jötnar choose. Odin is vulnerable, and he knows it not. Thor is crippled, yet he knows not how. Freyja is there for the taking. The Norns are dead. All of Asgard is a fruit waiting to be plucked if Hrym feels hungry.”

The giant laughed like someone with severe respiratory symptoms. “Mrr-hhr-hwauugh! What nonsense is this? You think scrawny snacks like you can defeat the Æsir?”

There is no use in bandying words with the muscle-bound and oafish. They communicate physically, and that is the only way they can be reached. I turned to the immortal Zhang Guo Lao and spoke to him in Mandarin. “Master Zhang, I believe he needs a brief lesson in manners. Perhaps you could show him how to speak on our level.”

A flicker of a smirk played under the wispy mustache of the ancient alchemist, and he afforded me a brief bow. He shrugged off his pack and set his fish drum aside, drawing out one of its iron rods.

“Allow my comrade to show you a glimpse of our power,” I said to the giant, switching back to Old Norse. “Perhaps you will be willing to hear more when you have seen what we can do.”

“Hrrgh!” the Jötunn snorted. “What can this old man do? Fart on me?”

I hope I never get taken down by a fart the way Zhang Guo Lao took down that frost giant. He swung a high kick to the giant’s kneecap to begin with, just to let him know he was serious. The giant bellowed and kicked spastically at Zhang with the same leg. Zhang grabbed on and then leapt up at the giant’s face, somersaulting until his spread legs approached the giant’s throat. These he locked around the giant’s neck, then hung upside down, and the giant’s eyes widened in surprise: How’d he get saddled so quickly with an old-guy necklace? His massive hands moved toward his chest, obviously intending to grab Zhang and yank him off, but Zhang wasn’t merely hanging out. While performing a sort of extended crunch, he used his iron rod to administer surgical blows to various pressure points on the giant’s chest and neck— thup-thunk-thak-thunk-thup . After the last one, the giant’s hands stopped moving. He was paralyzed from the waist up. Zhang, still hanging upside down, relaxed and spread his arms wide in a sort of “ta-da!” gesture. I led our group in a round of appreciative golf claps. The giant slowly processed what was happening and staggered about, trying to get his upper body to move. When he lurched back a step, Zhang bent at the waist until he could grab on to a couple of beardcicles. Then he allowed his feet to slide from around the giant’s neck, planted them against the giant’s collarbones, and sprang backward as if he were participating in a high dive competition. After a bunch of twists and flippy thingies—I’m not a gymnastics expert—he landed gracefully on his feet, if somewhat deeply in the snow. The frost giant fell backward in a markedly graceless fashion, propelled by Zhang’s kickoff. Unable to windmill his arms for balance, the giant roared his frustration all the way down and crunched loudly (and wetly) into the snow.

I looked at Leif. “If we hadn’t been here, would he have made a sound?” Leif snorted once in amusement but made no reply.

Back to Mandarin. “Master Zhang, I am assuming, since he can obviously make noise, that he still has the ability to speak?”

Zhang Guo Lao nodded once. Together we walked through the snow to the frost giant’s head.

“Please forgive us for this small demonstration of our power,” I told the Jötunn. “I assure you that no permanent damage has been done and we will release you shortly. May I have your name, old one?”

“I am Suttung,” the giant growled. “Release me from this foul magic now!”

“Not before we have your pledge to offer us no violence and take us to Hrym.”

“You tricked me!” He thrashed about in the snow, trying to get up but finding it impossible to do with only his legs. I let him give it a good try, then spoke again when he subsided in angry frustration.

“I disagree. We told you we know how to bring down the Æsir, and you refused to believe. It was quicker to show you rather than simply tell you. May I have your assurance of safe conduct?”

“Graah. I suppose I must give it, or else I will lie here like dead wood.”

“And you will take us to Hrym?”

“Yes. He will spit you and roast you with rosemary, and we will all sample your flesh tonight. Tomorrow you will be shat out in the snow.”

“Your diplomacy is bold and edgy, sir. I would not call that safe conduct. Still, I suppose you cannot speak for Hrym. Master Zhang, he has given his word. Please release him.” I said that in Old Norse for Suttung’s benefit, then repeated the last sentence in Mandarin. Zhang nimbly flipped himself onto the Jötunn’s chest and poked him again in various places. After the last one, Suttung’s arms spasmed and he slammed them forcefully into the snow, levering himself to a sitting position. Zhang performed some acrobatics to get out of the way and nailed another perfect dismount.