Kevin Hearne - Hammered

“Wooo!” he said, slamming his shot glass down and coughing a bit. “That’s good stuff.”

I agreed heartily. “Shall we do another one?” I asked.

“Oh, no,” Jesus said quietly, his eyes growing round. “This is one of those situations where I have to stop and ask myself, what would I do?”

I laughed and clapped him on the shoulder, and after adding considerable varnish to the idea of seeking out new experiences, we set aside the idea of shooting more whiskey and settled instead on pounding a couple of Irish Car Bombs, because he had never pounded one before.

We were pleasantly pickled by the time our fish and chips arrived, and we tucked in right away to try to absorb a little bit of the alcohol.

Jesus made yummy noises after a couple of bites and said, “Now, this right here is food for the gods.”

“Really? Did you mean to use the plural?”

Jesus winced. “Am I that transparent? I used to whip out these awesome parables on the spot, tied ministers up in knots for centuries trying to explain them to their flocks, but put a couple of drinks in me and I lose all subtlety.”

“So you want to talk to me about the gods.”

“One in particular, actually, but, yes,” he said, dipping a chip into a pool of ketchup. He noshed on it for a moment before continuing. “These are just too good. I think everyone should give them a try, don’t you?”

“The world would be a happier place, I cannot deny it.”

“Done,” Jesus said.

“Beg your pardon? What’s done?”

“Hey!” a man sitting two seats down to my left exclaimed. “Where’d these fish and chips come from? I didn’t order these.”

“Me neither,” a young woman said, sitting behind us in the dining room with a male friend. “But it looks like we both got some.”

Other patrons were all discovering that they had fish and chips on their tables that they had not ordered and could not remember their waiter delivering. The wait-staff gradually became aware that customers had food on their tables that hadn’t been added to the bill. They asked one another who delivered them, then disappeared into the kitchen to ask the cook to explain, and shortly came back out looking for the manager. It was all very odd. I turned back to Jesus and he had a small smile on his face.

“You’re looking a bit smug there,” I observed with a grin.

“Miracles are so much more fun when people aren’t expecting them of you.”

“Yes, I’ve often amused myself with some mischievous bindings for the same reason.”

The Prince of Peace chuckled and said, “I know. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! The god I wish to speak to you about is Thor. You and some confederates are planning to kill him, yes?”

“Well, um,” I said, caught off guard. “Yeah,” I finished lamely. It’s not the sort of thing I would normally admit, but you can’t lie to Jesus. “Though I’m hoping to confine my participation to serving as a sort of extraplanar taxi service. I’m the get-there-and-getaway car. I’m not really interested in killing him.”

“I tell you truly, it is an unwise course of action, and it were best for you to set it aside.”

“You are concerned about my personal welfare?”

“Yes, that is part of it. In most of the futures I see, you do not survive.”

That statement nearly sobered me up all by itself. I put a brave face on it and said, “Well, I’ve had a pretty good run at surviving. I think I’ll be okay.”

“Ah.” Jesus nodded, pausing to chew his fish before dabbing at his mouth with a napkin and continuing, “You are thinking of your deal with the Morrigan.”

“Heard about that, did you?”

“Aenghus Óg’s howling in hell can be heard all the way to heaven. And how do you think the Morrigan’s aegis will help you in Asgard? She can travel there, but she cannot usurp the role of the Valkyries. If you fall, they will hardly let you dwell in Valhalla. Nor will Freyja take you to Fólkvangr. They will let Hel take you to her realm, and there you will stay. There will be no journey to Tír na nÓg.”

“Well, that gives me something to think about for sure, but more in terms of strategy and tactics than in terms of giving up.”

“You are not persuaded by self-preservation. Hmm. All right, then, consider this: Killing Thor will invite retribution from his pantheon not only against you but also against all your friends and family. And the gods of other pantheons will feel compelled to strike against you in solidarity with the Norse.”

“They will? But everybody hates Thor—at least, all the people who truly know him. Isn’t it just as likely they’ll send me brownies or gift baskets of ambrosia?”

Jesus looked thoughtful. “You may have a point there. If you will forgive my coarse language, I believe the politest term I have heard him called by another god is a giant douche.”

“I hear ya,” I said, nodding. “He is a douche canoe. But he gets great PR with the mortals. They think he’s their protector, some kind of hero, but he really should be sent out to sea and set on fire in a proper Viking burial.”

Jesus sighed and pressed his fingers to his temples. “The gods will not stand for it, Siodhachan, even though they despise him. You have to consider that this action will make them all aware of how vulnerable they are. They will react poorly.”

“Does that include you?”

“I will remain above the fray,” he said. He paused, seeming to reconsider, then decided with a small shake of his head that he’d spoken correctly. “There is none who can assail me. But there are friends of mine who might get hurt.” He raised his eyebrows significantly and tilted his head in my direction. “You are one of them.”

“Really, you’re my friend? My buddy Jesus?”

He chuckled. “Certainly a drinking buddy, if nothing else. And you are also a respected elder.”

“Ugh, an elder? You’re making me feel creaky here.”

“Will you not accept my advice? Forgo this business with Thor. It is unsavory and beneath your character.”

“I wish I could,” I said. “But I cannot forswear my oath to a friend. That would also be beneath me. At great personal risk to his existence, he helped me dispatch a coven of witches who trafficked with hell. I cannot break faith with him now.”

Silence fell as Jesus paused to consider. He sipped his Guinness and wiped off the foam mustache with a napkin, then said, “That is indeed a weighty consideration. I cannot advise you to break your word. I was hoping you might exert yourself to be released from your obligation.”

“I suppose I could try. But I know already that Leif will insist I follow through. There is nothing he wants more than this.”

“You are resolved, then, to seek out this violence and set in motion waves that will ripple across the planes?”

“I wish you wouldn’t put it in those terms. It’s not like I make a habit out of picking fights. The fights just seem to be picking me recently. There are several looming on the horizon that I’d truly like to avoid. I really don’t want to mess with Bacchus or any of the Romans. Or the Greeks, for that matter. They’re true immortals, and they scare the pants off me. Oh, and these other guys who seem to have painted a target on my back—maybe you know something about them. Have you ever heard about an organization calling themselves the Hammers of God?”

A thoughtful crease appeared between Jesus’s eyes. “Are you speaking of the old Swedish witch hunters?”