Simon Green - Live and let Drood

You promised me you d got the bugs out of that. We re still cleaning up the mess from last time.

I have! said Patrick. But then, there s bugs and then there s bugs. He smiled easily at Molly and pushed the crystal thing well out of her reach. Not much money in the budget for research these days. But I do like to potter around, see if I can improvise something useful and horribly destructive out of the various interesting things our agents pick up in the field and bring back with them. I swear, if it weren t for their basic light-fingeredness, we d have nothing but empty shelves on these walls.

We don t have anything like the Droods budget, the Regent agreed. We have to scrimp and save and make do.

And steal anything that isn t actually nailed down, said Patrick.

You d fit right in here, Molly, I said solemnly.

One more word and I ll smooth out your balls with Botox while you sleep, said Molly.

Patrick smiled. The Regent looked pained.

I m sorry, I said to Patrick. We really should have introduced ourselves. I m Eddie Drood, and this

Oh, I know who you are, said Patrick. Both of you.

You do? said Molly.

Of course, said Patrick, his dark eyes twinkling cheerfully. Everyone in our line of work knows all about the redoubtable Eddie Drood and the infamous Molly Metcalf. Your exploits are already the stuff of legend.

Molly looked at me. How is it you get to be redoubtable, but I m always infamous?

Sounds right to me, I said.

These two incredibly brave young people are about to go up against Unholy Crow Lee, said the Regent. What can you offer them, Patrick, to make the job a little less suicidal? In an unofficial, off-the-books and totally deniable way, of course.

Crow Lee? Really? said Patrick. His smiled broadly, and just like that he seemed as dangerous as I d suspected he could be. It felt like being trapped in an enclosed space with a huge grizzly bear who d just woken up from hibernation with fresh meat very much on his mind. Patrick turned away abruptly and moved purposefully along his shelves, pickings things up and putting them down again. Well No point in trying a heads-on attack. Not with the size of the private army he s gathered about himself. No You need to go the sneaky route, come at him in unexpected ways. Lateral thinking and all that. Personally, I d recommend giving up on the whole idea and taking a nice vacation somewhere really far away. You can t get more lateral than that. But you wouldn t do that, redoubtable and infamous as you are. Don t touch that!

I took my hand carefully away from a crystal thing sitting on a pile of papers. Sorry, I said. I thought it was a paperweight.

It s designed to look like a paperweight, Patrick said darkly. Here try this. It s a skeleton key made from real human bone. And, no, you don t get to ask whose. This useful little item can open any lock, mechanical, magical or electronic.

The Drood Armourer gave me one of these once, I said, accepting the yellowed bone thing gingerly.

I know! said Patrick. Who do you think I stole the idea from? Now, this is a hearing aid. Just stick this little beauty in your ear, and you ll be able to listen in on any conversation from any distance. Even in other rooms and in other languages! I m still working on the immediate-translation tech, but if it doesn t kick in, you can always read the subtitles.

He turned to Molly and offered her a pair of spangly glitterball earrings. She hefted the ugly items on her palm and looked dubiously at Patrick.

What do I do with these?

You throw them, said Patrick. And they go Boom! And all the people who were bothering you suddenly aren t.

Groovy! said Molly. She whipped off the silver Celtic rose things she d been wearing, stuffed them into a pocket, and clipped on the new earrings. I looked severely at Patrick.

Tell me those things have a safety catch.

Of course! said Patrick. They re perfectly harmless until you say the magic Word. He leaned over and whispered the Word in Molly s ear, and she actually giggled and pushed him away. He looked pleased with himself. I d throw them pretty damn far, though, if I were you. And I wouldn t play with them, either. Just in case.

Molly looked at the expression on my face and patted me fondly on one cheek. Will you relax, Eddie? I m wearing the Twilight Teardrop, remember? Guaranteed personal protection, on levels even Kayleigh s Eye has never heard of! You could set off a thermo nuke right in front of me, and I wouldn t even be bothered by the bright light.

That s the Twilight Teardrop? said the Regent, leaning forward to inspect the ruby stone pendant with new interest. One look into its bloodred depths was enough, and he immediately retreated to a safe distance. Such a small thing, he said, to be so powerful and so thoroughly cursed. I ve always said the best way to make use of that thing would be to make a gift of it to someone you really didn t like. And then leave the country until all the unpleasantness was over.

I looked at the bony key and the earplug in my hand. I could use something a little more dangerous, and preferably long-range.

You ve got your armour, said Molly.

That s dangerous enough for anyone. Though I could lend you my charm bracelet, if you like. If you re really feeling in need of something to throw.

I am not wearing that on my ankle, I said firmly.

I have my dignity to consider.

Molly then said something very coarse about my dignity, and Patrick, the Regent and I pretended not to have heard her.

Patrick distracted Molly with a small flat black-lacquered box with a big green button on the top. This, he said proudly, is a protein exploder. Does what it says on the box. It s alien tech. Or possibly tomorrow tech. One of our people brought it back from the Nightside. He bought it from a street trader. Fell off the back of a Timeslip No instruction manual, of course, which is why he got it so cheap. It s taken me almost a year to work out how to use it, and I still don t have a clue how it works. Just point it at your enemies, and wave good-bye to what s left of them.

Cool, said Molly, shaking the box in a far too casual manner. Everyone else in the room winced. Molly looked at Patrick. What does it do?

I told you! said Patrick. It explodes people s protein! Suddenly and violently and all over the place. Just don t point it in the general direction of anyone you like. It s not exactly pinpoint accurate.

Molly stuffed the box up her sleeve. Patrick looked at me thoughtfully.

Eddie

Yes?

I ve followed your exploits for years. First as a field agent here in London and then as head of the family, and then Well, all the other things you ve done. All the amazing things you ve achieved. And I always promised myself that if I ever got to meet you, there was a question I wanted to ask. Are you happy, Eddie?

I wasn t quite sure where that had come from, but I did my best to consider the question seriously. I m happy with Molly, I said finally.

Good, said Patrick. I m glad to hear that.

Me too, grandson, said the Regent.

You soft and soppy sentimental thing, you, said Molly, slipping her arm through mine.

Every part of society has its own clubs to retreat to, private places where we can escape from the trials and stresses of the everyday world. We all like to know there s somewhere we can go when it all gets a bit much; our very own private watering holes. Very private people have very private clubs, and Very Important People have Very Private Clubs. And then there are the clubs that no one talks about. If they know what s good for them. Membership strictly by invitation only. For people so important, so significant and so wealthy that no one in the everyday world has ever heard of them. Clubs for people who mix only with their own kind.