P. Hoover - Solstice

Bathroom

Before I head into the library, I duck into the bathroom. There’s no way I can handle Study Hall yet. My legs are about to collapse under me, and I’m sweating so much, a trickle moves down my cleavage. I drop my backpack and lean against the sink, scanning my FON to turn on the water. There are two temperatures. Warm and hot. I go with the warm and splash it on my face, closing my eyes, letting it wash over me. When it times out, I turn it on again, doing this until my heart slows down. I don’t care that water has gotten in my hair. It’s pulled back anyway and tied with the red ribbon.

“Do you know your fate?”

I freeze at the sound of Tanni’s voice, and my chest tightens. I look up, but there’s no one in the mirror. Only me, water dripping off my face, staring back. I don’t stop looking, and my calmed heart has started beating so hard I feel the pulsing in my neck. Her soulless eyes are on me, staring at me. I feel them even if I don’t see her.

“Do you know your fate?”

I turn, whipping around to see Tanni, empty eye sockets and all, staring back at me. She’s been there the whole time, behind me as I washed my face. Watching me with those vacant eyes.

“Why are you asking me that?”

Tanni shrugs, and bracelets on her arms jingle, the sound filling the emptiness of the bathroom. “It’s my job. It’s what I do.”

“Does this have something to do with your global warming protest?” I ask even though I know it doesn’t. Why would my fate have anything to do with the Global Heating Crisis?

She smiles and shows her teeth. They’re white—almost glowing. I can nearly see through them, but I try not to stare. But not being able to look at her eyes or her mouth, I’m running out of places to focus.

“Not today,” she says, licking her lips. And she takes a step closer to me.

I back against the sink. There’s nowhere left for me to go.

“Who are you?” I manage to say. My throat’s dry, and the water I splashed on my face is gone, replaced by a thin layer of sweat.

She takes another step toward me, and I think she’s going to grab me again. I pull my arms behind me and use them to prop myself up on the sink. I could jump up and kick her and run out. But my feet are rooted to the hard tile floor compelling me to stay.

“I’m your friend,” Tanni says, and she rests her hand on my shoulder. “I want you to always believe that.”

She’s close enough now I can stare into where her eyes should be, and I see mist swirling behind the half-closed eyelids. She opens her lips, and mist churns inside her mouth. She leans toward me and tilts her head, and for a second, I think she’s going to kiss me. But then she exhales, and the mist pours out, filling the space between us. Filling the bathroom.

I can’t help but breathe it in. It’s sweet, like cotton candy, and it enters my lungs, and I feel myself grow weak. I almost fall, but Tanni catches me and holds me by both shoulders. My knees wobble under me, and I can’t take my eyes off her face.

“Chloe will die.”

She says it as she breathes out the mist. It echoes around the room, though it’s only a whisper. Chloe will die. Chloe will die . Around me, it bounces off the walls, taunting me.

“No,” I say. Chloe is my best friend. Young. Healthy. Chloe is not going to die.

“Chloe will die.”

The echoes continue, like a chorus of dead souls taking turns with a riddle.

This must be some kind of joke.

“Chloe will not die.” I shout, even though it’s only me and Tanni in the bathroom. Me and Tanni and the chorus of voices around us.

“Chloe will die.”

Why won’t she stop saying it? “No!” I scream, and instantly, the voices stop, and the fog disappears. Tanni lets go of my shoulders, and I collapse to the floor, hitting my head on the sink as I fall. I’m all alone.

I’m not sure how much time passes before some freshman finds me in the bathroom and takes me to the nurse’s office. The nurse bandages my head, and he sends me home on a school shuttle. I spend the whole time convincing myself that Tanni doesn’t exist. She’s just some far-fetched part of my mind playing out my worst fears. I tell myself Chloe won’t die.

When I get home, my mom rushes over and hugs me. I fall into her arms, and I can’t hold back my tears. I let them come, flowing out of my eyes with sobs so loud, the gash on my head pounds with each one. She holds me, never saying a word. Never asking a question. She locks the front door and leads me upstairs, takes my ponytail out, and helps me get into the chem-shower and change into my pajamas.

It’s only when I finish getting dressed, and she pours me a deep glass of red wine and we sit in the family room that either of us speaks. I take a sip, waiting for the familiar relaxation in my veins. My mom has been proclaiming the life-giving powers of wine for as long as I can remember. She claims it’s a gift from the earth herself and grows grapes downstairs just to be able to make it. My mom watches me, never taking her eyes off me.

“I’m so sorry.” I don’t even try to explain or make excuses. “I’m so sorry for everything.” I feel the tears threaten to start again. I’m not even sure what I’m sorry for. I just know that I am.

“Shhhh…” She comes around and sits next to me on the rattan sofa. I lean into her and let her put her arm around me.

“I’m sorry.” I say it again, this time managing to control the tears. It just feels so good to be here with her, knowing she still loves me.

She doesn’t say anything, and I realize she’s rubbing my arm, moving her fingers over my fresh tattoo. I tense up, but none of the plants in the room seem to be dying which I take as a good sign.

“It’s nice,” she finally says. “I like it.”

I wipe my face and turn toward her. “You do?”

She nods. “It makes you even more beautiful.”

I sniff, feeling relief course through me. I’ve done it. I’ve done something for myself and my mom isn’t mad. “Chloe got one just like it.”

“It says sacrifice ,” my mom says. “Interesting choice.”

I nod, wondering if I’m the only person on the planet who doesn’t know Greek, but a sob catches in my throat when I remember Tanni from the bathroom. Chloe will die. She’d said it over and over.

“What?”

My mom’s eyes are fixed on me, but I don’t want to tell her about Tanni. She’ll think I’m too weak to handle the world without her. How could it have happened anyway? It’s not natural. It’s not possible. And I’m not losing my mind.

“Do you believe in fate?” I ask.

My mom’s face freezes, and her eyes look away from mine. “What kind of fate?”

I’m not really sure even though I asked the question. “Do you think people can know the future?” It’s the best I can come up with.

“Your future?”

I shake my head. “No. Anyone’s future. Do you think there are people who know what will happen?”

My mom hesitates before answering. “No. The future’s uncertain. People are too complex and can act in too many different ways.”

I let out the breath I’ve held since I asked the question. I don’t want to believe in fate either.

“I saw you on the tube yesterday,” I say.

“The council meeting.” My mom stiffens next to me. “They’re going to destroy the earth.”

“It’s the missiles, isn’t it?”

My mom stands and walks over to crack open a window. The heat filters through, but now there’s a cross breeze in the room. “It’s everything. Councilman Rendon is lying. He’s deceiving the city for his own personal gain.”