Peter Beagle - The Line Between

«Thursday," I said. «Day after tomorrow. I'll catch the redeye right after the last performance.»

«Come to my place. I've moved, there's a guest room.» She managed to give me an East Eighties address before the tears came again. «I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've been fine all day. I guess it's just caught up with me now.»

«I'm not quite sure why," I said. I heard Marianne draw in her breath, and I went on, «Marianne, I'm sorry, I know how cold that sounds, but you and Sam haven't been an item for — what? — twelve years? Fifteen? I mean, this is me, Marianne. You can't be the grieving widow, it's just not your role.»

I've always said things to Marianne that I'd never say to anyone else — it's the only way to get her full attention. Besides, it made her indignant, which beat the hell out of maudlin. She said, «We always stayed friends, you know that. We'd go out for dinner, he took me to plays — he must have told you. We were always friends, Jacob.»

Sam cried over her. It was the only time that I ever saw Sam cry. «Thursday morning, then. It'll be good to see you.» Words, thanks, sniffles. We hung up.

I couldn't stay sitting. I got up and walked around the room. «Oh, you little bastard," I said aloud. «Kagan, you miserable, miserable twit, who said you could just leave?

We had plans, we were going to be old together, you forgot about that?» I was shouting, bumping into things. «We were going to be these terrible, totally irresponsible old men, so elegant and mannerly nobody would ever believe we just peed in the potted palm. We were going to learn karate, enter the Poker World Series, moon our fiftieth high school reunion, sit in the sun at spring–training baseball camps — we had stuff to do! What the hell were you thinking of, walking out in the middle of the movie? You think I'm about to do all that crap alone?»

I don't know how long I kept it up, but I know I was still yelling while I packed. I didn't have another show lined up after Iceman until the Rep's Christmas Carol went into rehearsal in two months, with Bob Cratchit paying my rent one more time. No pets to feed, no babies crying, no excuses to make to anyone … there's something to be said for being fifty–six, twice divorced and increasingly set in my ways. I'm a good actor, with a fairly wide range for someone who looks quite a bit like Mister Ed, but I've got no more ambition than I have star quality. Which may be a large part of the reason why Sam Kagan and I were so close for so long.

We met in high school, in a drama class. I already knew that I was going to be an actor — though of course it was Olivier back then, not Mister Ed. The teacher was choosing students at random to read various scenes, and we, sitting at neighboring desks, got picked for a dialogue from Major Barbara. I was Adolphus Cusins, Barbara's Salvation Army fiance; Sam played Undershaft, the arms manufacturer. He wasn't familiar with the play, but I was, and with Rex Harrison, who'd played Cusins in the movie, and whose every vocal mannerism I had down cold. Yet when we faced off over Barbara's ultimate allegiance and Sam proclaimed, in an outrageously fragrant British accent, Undershaft's gospel of «money and gunpowder — freedom and power — command of life and command of death," there wasn't an eye in that classroom resting anywhere but on him. I may have known the play better than he, but he knew that it was a play. It was the first real acting lesson I ever had.

I told him so in the hall after class. He looked honestly surprised. «Oh, good night, Undershaft's easy, he's all one thing — in that scene, anyway.» The astonishing accent was even riper than before. «Now Cusins is bloody tricky, Cusins is much harder to play.» He grinned at me — God, were the cigarettes already starting to stain his teeth then? — and added, «You do a great early Harrison, though. Did you ever see St. Martin's Lane? They're running it at the Thalia all next week.»

He was the first person I had ever met in my life who talked like me. What I mean by that is that both of us much preferred theatrical dialogue to ordinary Brooklyn conversation, theatrical structure and action to life as it had been laid out for us. It makes for an awkward childhood — I'm sure that's one reason I got into acting so young — and people like us learn about protective coloration earlier than most. And we tend to recognize each other.

Sam. He was short — notably shorter than I, and I'm not tall — with dark eyes and dark, wavy hair, the transparent skin and soft mouth of a child, and a perpetual look of being just about to laugh. Yet even that early on, he kept his deep places apart:

when he did laugh or smile, it was always quick and mischievous and gone. The eyes were warm, but that child's mouth held fast — to what, I don't think I ever knew.

He was a much better student than I — if it hadn't been for his help in half my subjects, I'd still be in high school. Like me, he was completely uninterested in anything beyond literature and drama; quite unlike me, he accepted the existence of geometry, chemistry, and push–ups, where I never believed in their reality for a minute. «Think of it as a role," he used to tell me. «Right now you're playing a student, you're learning the periodic table like dialogue. Some day, good night, you might have to play a math teacher, a coach, a mad scientist. Everything has to come in useful to an actor, sooner or later.»

He called me Jake, as only one other person ever has. He was a gracious loser at card and board games, but a terrible winner, who could gloat for two days over a gin rummy triumph. He was the only soul I ever told about my stillborn older brother, whose name was Elias. I knew where he was buried — though I had not been told — and I took Sam there once. He was outraged when he learned that we never spoke of Elias at home, and made me promise that I'd celebrate Elias's birthday every year. Because of Sam, I've been giving my brother a private birthday party for more than forty years. I've only missed twice.

Sam had surprisingly large hands, but his feet were so tiny that I used to tease him, referring to them as «ankles with toes.» It was a sure way to rile him, as nothing else would do. Those small feet mattered terribly to Sam.

He was a dance student, most often going directly from last period math to classes downtown. Wanting to dance wasn't something boys admitted to easily then — certainly not in our Brooklyn high school, where being interested in anything besides football, fighting, and very large breasts could get you called a faggot. I was the one person who knew about those classes; and we were seniors, with a lot of operas, Dodgers games, and old Universal horror movies behind us, before I actually saw him dance.

There was a program at the shabby East Village studio where he was taking classes three times a week by then. Two pianos, folding chairs, and a sequence of presentations by students doing solo bits or pas de deux from the classic ballets. Sam's parents were there, sitting quietly in the very last row. I knew them, of course, as well as any kid who comes over to visit a friend for an afternoon ever knows the grown–ups floating around in the background. Mike was a lawyer, fragile–looking Sarah an elementary school teacher; beyond that, all I could have said about them — or can say nowwas that they so plainly thought their only child was the entire purpose of evolution that it touched even my hard adolescent heart. I can still see them on those splintery, rickety chairs: holding hands, except when they tolerantly applauded the fragments of Swan Lake and Giselle, waiting patiently for Sam to come onstage.

He was next to last on the program — the traditional starring slot in

vaudeville — performing his own choreography to the music of Borodin's In the Steppes of Central Asia. And what his dance was like I cannot tell you now, and I couldn't have told you then, dumbly enthralled as I was by the sight of my lunchroom friend hurling himself about the stage with an explosive ferocity that I'd never seen or imagined in him. Some dancers cut their shapes in the air; some burn them; but Sam tore and clawed his, and seemed literally to leave the air bleeding behind him. I can't even say whether he was good or not, as the word is used — though he was unquestionably the best: in that school, and more people than his parents were on their feet when he finished. What I did somehow understand, bright and blind as I was, was that he was dancing for his life.