Terry Pratchett - Men at Arms

And yet…

And yet…

“They say it was only a beggar girl in the Guild.”

Well? What of it? She was a target of opportunity. That was not my fault. That was your fault. I am merely the gonne. Gonnes don't kill people. People kill people.

“You killed Hammerhock! The boy said you fired yourself! And he'd repaired you!”

You expect gratitude? He would have made another gonne .

“Was that a reason to kill him?”

Certainly. You have no understanding.

Was the voice in his head or in the gonne? He couldn't be certain. Edward had said there was a voice… it said that everything you wanted, it could give you…

Getting into the Guild was easy for Angua, even through the angry crowds. Some of the Assassins, the ones from noble homes that had big floppy dogs around the place in the same way that lesser folk have rugs, had brought a few with them. Besides, Angua was pure pedigree. She drew admiring glances as she trotted through the buildings.

Finding the right corridor was easy, too. She'd remembered the view from the Guild next door, and counted the number of floors. In any case, she didn't have to look hard. The reek of fireworks hung in the air all along the corridor.

There was a crowd of Assassins in the corridor, too. The door of the room had been forced open. As Angua peered around the corner she saw Dr Cruces emerge, his face suffused with rage.

“Mr Downey?”

A white-haired Assassin drew himself to attention.

“Sir?”

“I want him found!”

“Yes, doctor—”

“In fact I want him inhumed! With Extreme Impoliteness! And I'm setting the fee at ten thousand dollars—I shall pay it personally, you understand? Without Guild tax, either.”

Several Assassins nonchalantly strolled away from the crowd. Ten thousand untaxed dollars was good money.

Downey looked uncomfortable. “Doctor, I think—”

“Think? You're not paid to think! Heaven knows where the idiot has got to. I ordered the Guild searched! Why didn't anyone force the door?”

“Sorry, doctor, Edward left us weeks ago and I didn't think—”

“You didn't think? What are you paid for?”

“Never seen him in such a temper,” said Gaspode.

There was a cough behind the chief Assassin. Dr Whiteface had emerged from the room.

“Ah, doctor,” said Dr Cruces. “I think perhaps we'd better go and discuss this further in my study, yes?”

“I really am most terribly sorry, my lord—”

“Don't mention it. The little… devil has made us both look like fools. Oh… nothing personal, of course. Mr Downey, the Fools and the Assassins will be guarding this hole until we can get some masons in tomorrow. No-one is to go through, you understand?”

“Yes, doctor.”

“Very well.”

“That's Mr Downey,” said Gaspode, as Dr Cruces and the chief clown disappeared down the corridor. “Number two in the Assassins.” He scratched his ear. “He'd knock off old Cruces for tuppence if it wasn't against the rules.”

Angua trotted forward. Downey, who was wiping his forehead with a black handkerchief, looked down.

“Hello, you're new,” he said. He glanced at Gaspode. “And the mutt's back, I see.”

“Woof, woof,” said Gaspode, his stump of a tail thumping the floor. “Incident'ly,” he added for Angua's benefit, “he's often good for a peppermint if you catch him in the right mood. He's poisoned fifteen people this year. He's almost as good with poisons as old Cruces.”

“Do I need to know that?” said Angua. Downey patted her on the head.

“Oh, Assassins shouldn't kill unless they're being paid. It's these little tips that make all the difference.”

Now Angua was in a position to see the door. There was a name written on a piece of card stuck in a metal bracket.

Edward d'Eath.

“Edward d'Eath,” she said.

“There's a name that tolls a bell,” said Gaspode. “Family used to live up Kingsway. Used to be as rich as Creosote.”

“Who was Creosote?”

“Some foreign bugger who was rich.”

“Oh.”

“But great-grandad had a terrible thirst, and grandad chased anything in a dress, his dress, you understand, and old d'Eath, well, he was sober and clean but lost the rest of the family money on account of having a blind spot when it came to telling the difference between a one and an eleven.”

“I can't see how that loses you money.”

“It does if you think you can play Cripple Mr Onion with the big boys.”

The werewolf and the dog padded back down the corridor.

“Do you know anything about Master Edward?” said Angua.

“Nope. The house was flogged off recently. Family debts. Haven't seen him around.”

“You're certainly a mine of information,” she said.

“I gets around. No-one notices dogs.” Gaspode wrinkled his nose. It looked like a withered truffle. “Blimey. Stinks of gonne, doesn't it.”

“Yes. Something odd about that,” said Angua.

“What?”

“Something not right.”

There were other smells. Unwashed socks, other dogs, Dr Whiteface's greasepaint, yesterday's dinner—the scents filled the air. But the firework smell of what Angua was now automatically thinking of as the gonne wound around everything else, acrid as acid.

“What's not right?”

“Don't know… maybe it's the gonne smell…”

“Nah. That started off here. The gonne was kept here for years.”

“Right. OK. Well, we've got a name. It might mean something to Carrot—”

Angua trotted down the stairs.

“'Scuse me…” said Gaspode.

“Yes?”

“How can you turn back into a woman again?”

“I just get out of the moonlight and… concentrate. That's how it works.”

“Cor. That's all?”

“If it's technically full moon I can Change even during the day if I want to. I only have to Change when I'm in the moonlight.”

“Get away? What about wolfbane?”

“Wolfbane? It's a plant. A type of aconite, I think. What about it?”

“Don't it kill you?”

“Look, you don't have to believe everything you hear about werewolves. We're human, just like everyone else. Most of the time,” she added.

By now they were outside the Guild and heading for the alley, which indeed they reached, but it lacked certain important features that it had included when they were last there. Most notable of these was Angua's uniform, but there was also a world shortage of Foul Ole Ron.

“Damn.”

They looked at the empty patch of mud.

“Got any other clothes?” said Gaspode.

“Yes, but only back in Elm Street. This is my only uniform.”

“You have to put some clothes on when you're human?”

“Yes.”

“Why? I would have thought a nude woman would be at home in any company, no offence meant.”

“I prefer clothes.”

Gaspode sniffed at the dirt.

“Come on, then,” he sighed. “We'd better catch up Foul Ole Ron before your chainmail becomes a bottle of Bearhugger's, yes?”

Angua looked around. The scent of Foul Ole Ron was practically tangible.

“All right. But let's be quick about it.”

Wolfbane? You didn't need daft old herbs to make your life a problem, if you spent one week every month with two extra legs and four extra nipples.

There were crowds around the Patrician's Palace, and outside the Assassins' Guild. A lot of beggars were in evidence. They looked ugly. Looking ugly is a beggar's stock in trade in any case. These looked uglier than necessary.

The militia peered around a corner.

“There's hundreds of people,” said Colon. “And loads of trolls outside the Day Watch.”

“Where's the crowd thickest?” said Carrot.